"MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!"

I had an interesting experience today.  Me and Maddie were going to Old Navy to return something, the one at Station Park.  You know what it's like to to park in there this time of year?  A nightmare, especially to get close to where you want to go. So we're circling around and around and I look down towards Old Navy (You know where the parking stalls are on a 45 degree angle?  And the reasonable way to get into those spots is going the direction of the 45 degree angle).  I saw a car backing out of one of those spots, at the exact moment a women coming from the other direction saw the same car backing out of that spot.  We both have our blinkers on for the spot, but because I was going the "right" direction, and she was going the "wrong" direction, I slipped in as soon as the parked car was out of my way.  After all, in my head, I'm saying "she would have to make a 6 point turn to get in there, therefore, I'm taking it."

What happened next was nothing short of crazy.  If I had known, I'd have let her have the dang spot!  As I sent Maddie in to return one item, she sat behind me in her SUV yelling at the top of her lungs with her window down, left arm and head outside her car.  She blasted her horn at me, over and over again, like she wanted me to vacate the spot immediately.  And she stayed there yelling and honking at me for about 5 minutes.  Now, I have a streak of stubborn in me, if you'll be nice to me I'll do anything for you.  But if you're rude to me, I'll dig my heals into the ground and not budge an inch.  Maddie said that customers in the store were looking outside to see what all the fuss was about.  I completely ignored her, didn't react at all.  I even had a contingency plan if she approached my car.  "What?  What??  I can't hear you.  Sorry!"

She finally sped off just before Maddie came back.  Silly woman.  She could have had my spot!  As she drove off, I yelled as loud as I could, "MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!" in her direction. I think she missed the memo.

Last night, my friend Regena came over to massage my hands and feet.  It was amazing!  In 2009 we started our cancer journeys together.  Same ward, same diagnosis, same treatments, same side, bald together on the back row in Relief Society.  She's been a great friend over the years, she's one that will do whatever she can to help me!  She's come to chemo with me many times.  She'll fluff the pillows, straighten the blanket, make sure my water and purse are within reach, then she lets me sleep if I want to, she'll buy me food if I need it.  She's one great amiga and I'm grateful our paths crossed when they did!  Two baldies!

 

Neuropathy Challenged

I'm getting my first real taste of neuropathy this week.  I've known for a few weeks that my fingers and toes were showing signs.  It finally occurred to me that dropping things constantly and tripping or missing stairs could very well be the beginning (because they are numb).  The last little while I've felt a sensation down my legs - kind of a painful itch.  That has made its way to my feet now.  When I put my running shoes on (not because I'm running!), it feels like the laces are clamped down really tight on my feet.  So, I'll stop and retie them really loose, but it doesn't make a difference.  Just having my feet in a confined space is enough.  I can be grateful that I haven't had problems until now, right?  Always a silver lining.  I know it very well could get worse.  When and if, I'll work hard to get through it with a smile.  It's been relatively "easy" to get through the last 10 months or so, it's a little distressing to see things change.

Recently, I've had 2 friends tell me about either hemp oil or CBD oil for neuropathy.  CBD is legal in Utah, even before all this Prop 2 stuff.  You can get it from chiropractors or health food stores, it's actually widely available.  The quality is widely variable too.  I talked to a few friends (including my bishop) at the beginning of stage 4 and got a wide range of opinions.  People who have tried it for various conditions swear by it.  It comes in various forms, liquid dropper to put under your tongue, in creams, capsules, even breath mints. I'm going to do acupuncture regularly, and try some other things, but this is something to consider.  And just for the record, I would never buy anything with THC in it (the compound that makes you high).  I know this paragraph will bring up a wide range of opinions on the subject!

One of the prescriptions that is commonly prescribed for neuropathy is Gabapentin.  I took a very small, daily dose a few months ago when all this itching stuff was getting bad.  The problem is it created a whole new set of issues for me: clumsiness, blurred vision, fatigue, mouth lesions, etc. etc.  I have to consider all sides of this issue, benefits and side effects, how either will impact my ability to function day to day.  It's a tough line to walk, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I've been going through file folders of pictures I've kept since high school.  I can't believe it's taken me 30 years to let go of some of this stuff!  It's been fun/weird to see all the pictures of the first guy I really fell in love with, and the next one - who I dumped when I was 19 because I knew without a doubt I shouldn't marry him.  We had been engaged for about 8 weeks when I did that.  He was devastated but I never regretted it for a second.  Look at what I got because I waited!

I threw away pictures from the MTC.  I went through all the pictures I took the two summers I worked at Lagoon.  All gone.  I threw away dozens of pictures of friends at school dances.  You know how we used to exchange those?  Gone.  High school and graduation?  Gone.  You know what's most important now?  My family, none of that other stuff matters.

I never took the time to go through it until now.  I'm creating digital memory books for my family.  I have 10 years of scrapbooks that are the pre-digital era, and that was when I was deep into those heavy 12 x 12 Creative Memories books.  I figure I have close to 20 of them (17 after yesterday!)
Can you imagine lugging those through 7 moves over almost 25 years?  Yesterday I took three books to the Family History Library in Layton.  They have a flatbed scanner big enough to scan those pages.  I tore off those page protectors with no regard to how much money I've spent "creating memories" over the years.  I scanned the pages I want pictures from, and threw the rest away.  Eventually, all those books will be in the trash because everything I really need will be digital.  I have plenty to do to keep me busy for quite some time.  Lots more fun to come!

Reality Hits

When Mat came home tonight, he was so exhausted that all he could do was watch TV.  All I could do was about the same!  It stresses me out when he is so stressed out.  Christmas season burnout is upon us.  Mat has already had several concerts, Thursday he has 6!  More Friday and Saturday.  Why does he have to be so darn good at what he does??  Everybody wants his choirs to perform - ward christmas parties, nursing homes, etc. etc.  He can send the Madrigals off by themselves, but not the others.  He won't really be present at home until Christmas Eve.  See you in 20 days Mat!


This is our Christmas tree this year, the Winter Tree - blue-ish, white, twig balls and a splash of red.  I like it, I love the little owls I found at Taipan Imports for this tree!  I have driftwood stars that I bought in Plymouth Mass.  I wish I would have bought 10 more of those!  Guess I'll have to go back!

We went to Temple Square to see the lights this weekend.  Turns out, I can get pretty decent night pictures on my iPhone.  I'm kind of surprised!  One of the big pictures I have on our family picture wall in the dining room is a daytime shot of the Salt Lake Temple.  I printed it off 16x20, looks right decent!  You'll have to come see it!

This afternoon Kurt Bestor did a free concert at Huntsman, for patients, family and staff.  He is a really great performer, I need to get some of his music downloaded.  I love the John Schmidts, Kurt Bestors, Paul Cardalls of the world.  Peaceful piano/orchestration is what I listen to most of the time.  My absolute favorite song he does is Prayer for the Children.  I love that Huntsman provides these opportunities to patients and families.  It's part of the "total package" of healing, I think.

I realized after I applied and got approved for Social Security Disability (stage 4 cancer qualifies as a permanent disability) that our minor kids actually get a monetary monthly benefit as well.  I spent an hour on hold yesterday, and after finally getting through to a real person she asked for their social security numbers.  Of course those documents are somewhere in the chaos downstairs.  I managed to stall long enough to find their SS cards and give her the numbers.  They'll call me back for a phone appointment on January 26th to get it set up.  January 26th??  Not quite as efficient as when I applied online late one night, got a phone call the next day, and had my first check in less than 3 weeks.  But I'm grateful for these benefits! It means college savings for both of them.

Acupuncture and Other Fun Stuff

McK wasn't feeling great and ended up on the floor
in front of the Christmas tree, sleeping soundly! I
had to call her name several times before she stirred
and then she still didn't get up!

Today we celebrated Mat's 50th birthday.  We had an informal gathering with a few friends and family and had one of Mat's favorites - pumpkin pie!  It was fun!  I managed to keep it a secret, but by this morning he was suspicious, he knew there was something going on.  😉  I actually blocked him on FB last week, just in case he would see something that someone said about it. He's been "unblocked" now and we are friends again.  I didn't think to take a single picture - typical.  It's fun to have people come see the house, especially when they saw it in it's original condition.  It's a totally different place!  I'm grateful things worked out just like they did, I'm grateful to have a "home" again.

I had chemo this morning (Friday).  I was so delighted when the nurse told me I got a bed!  I haven't had a bed for a long time.  The beds are in private rooms just off of the infusion room.  They are so comfortable, they have chambers in the mattress that slowly fill and deflate with air.  Dreamy!  It's a great way to do it if you have to do it.  Maddie came with me today, she didn't have to work until 3:00.  After we got home, we both crashed for a couple hours.

One of the blessed side effects of my chemo is peeling skin and nails that crack, peel and break.  I used to admire my Mom's nails when I was little.  She'd have them long, perfectly rounded, filed and painted all the time.  I've never liked long nails because I spend too much time outside and I can't stand having dirt under them!  But now I have to trim them before they even have a chance too grow out.  No matter how short they are, they'll crack and snag stuff.  I'm going to have to start to wear bandaids on fingers that have broken nails because I can't clip them any shorter.

Itching is still my constant companion, arms, neck, and now down my legs as well.  I'm not sure when the time will come to raise the white flag.  The chemo I'm on now is keeping the tumors from growing, but at what cost?  It affects my life everyday and has seriously thrown off my sleep.  It's hard to go to sleep and it's harder to get up at a decent hour.  I take zyrtec and a prescription antihistamine, more than the recommended doses (and with the blessing of my doctor), everyday to try to stay on top of it.

One thing I've had to come to grips with is this IS my new normal.  Broken, peeling nails, itching, fatigue, mouth sores ...  I'm getting used to the idea, and I'm very grateful things aren't worse!

I went to an acupuncturist, Annie, this week, and I have to say, I'm a fan!  Acupuncture is one of the "perks and benefits" of being a patient at Huntsman.  Annie is as good a therapist as she is an acupuncturist.  I don't get how it works, but those needles were magic! I had needles on top of my head, in my ears, hands and wrists, ankles and feet.  I left there feeling relaxed and rejuvenated.

I have been thinking a lot about what to do for Isaac.  I know there are a lot of people worried about him and praying for him, which is so great!  We've felt those prayers too.  I took him to his therapist again this week, I was really impressed with her the first time we met with her.  Of course, I don't get to be a part of the sessions, so I don't know what they're talking about but he seems a tad bit more calm.  Maybe it's an illusion?  Wishful thinking??  I've looked into different options as far as treatment programs/therapy etc.  A few months ago, I would have sent him to Timbuktu for 5 years of residential treatment.  But as it always seems to happen, a good friend of mine has a connection to someone that knows a great deal about long-term residential vs. intensive outpatient treatments/therapy.  Evidently, there is a much higher success rate with the intensive outpatient than sending your kid to Timbuktu.  Go figure!  So for now, we stay on the course we are on.  He turns 18 in 2 weeks, so he'll be in the proverbial drivers seat after that.  And he's keenly aware of that fact.  We're praying ...

Surrender

I have no energy today.  I was up most of the night itching and scratching.  I made it to Sacrament but went home after that and went back to bed.  We were asked to speak in Sacrament next week.  That'll be fun!  Hopefully I can 1) get there on time, and 2) speak coherently.  

The thought of preparing Thanksgiving dinner this week overwhelms me.  This is my first time preparing this meal!  We're having ham, au gratin potatoes, rolls, green bean casserole, and pies (all of which I can cook in a crockpot or purchase).   My disabled friend, Michelle asked if she could spend the day with us.  I won't let her sit in her assisted living place with no family.  She'll be with us for dinner.  I'll do a little bit each day to prepare and should be OK.  It will also help that by Tuesday night, I will have a fully functional kitchen!

I don't do a lot of decorations for any holiday.  But my Christmas tree makes me happy!  My friend, Sharla, learned how to decorate them at Temple Square when I did.  She's coming to help me decorate it next week.  Can't wait!

This year, our tree will be a "winter" tree with blues, white, and a splash of red.
This was our tree last year.  This was patterned after one we did at
Temple Square.  I love the reds, browns, and golds together! 

The truth is, I have SO MANY people who are willing to help me with whatever I need!  That is such a blessing to me and our family.  Everything overwhelms me, I just don't have the energy to start or work through projects around here.  I considered teaching my Christmas tree class again.  It just seemed too much to pull it off.

I (we) have received a lot of love and support since my last post.  I'm grateful to have so many people concerned for our boy.  We'll get through this!  I don't know how yet, but our prayers (and yours!) are being heard and answered.  We'll find answers and solutions in time.  It's hard to know what to do, how involved do we get? My little brother advised me today to calm down, because he will too.  I still want to drag him in to rehab tomorrow, but I don't think that is the right thing to do either.  We need to make our home a safe place to fall if he ever needs it.  The only way it will be a safe place is if he really knows we love him.

Friends, if any of you happen to cross paths with Isaac, the WRONG thing to do would be lecture, judge, or belittle him.  The best thing to do would be to show him/tell him you care about him and LOVE  HIM UNCONDITIONALLY.  Don't let on that you know anything because that will tick him off.  He likes his privacy, even though he's posted stuff all over social media.  In reality, he has NO privacy.  He just doesn't want his parents/family to know what he's doing.  So, be patient with all of us.  I've carried a little dark rain cloud over my head for weeks.  I'm trying to improve, we're trying to work with and remember the girls needs, and we're trying to keep our (me and Mat) relationship strong as well.  It's a hard time, but by learning to put our trust in God, we will get through this.

I had a long talk last night with an awesome friend who had two sons do some of what Isaac is doing.  It was bleak for a few years, but in time she learned to "surrender," to turn her boys over to Christ and the Atonement, trusting that he would take care of them because they were His first.  She found some peace knowing that she didn't have to carry the burden by herself.  I forget that sometimes and try to carry it all on my own.  I'm a problem solver, I just want to "fix" it.  Sometimes, trusting in God is the better answer.

Nerves

Just a little update because it's late.  A week or two ago I sensed what felt like a sliver in the seat of my pants.  That's conceivable.  I do spend a lot of time outside doing stuff.  The last few days and nights I've realized that it is my nerves, the itch is spreading down my left leg.  The give-away was when I spent an entire night (at least it felt like it) moving my left scratching hand from my right arm to my left hip and back.  Again and again and again.  That's a little overwhelming, especially as it's getting more and more present during the day when I can usually distract myself from the itch by staying busy.  Why people.  WHY!?!

What do you do when you find yourself in a situation with a child close to you that is screwing up his life so bad, and you just want to throttle said child?  He got "randomly" chosen for a drug test at school yesterday.  We told him last night that we requested it, it wasn't random.  He was ticked!  Tonight the one Safari page he had open on his phone was research for "Molly."  a.k.a. Ecstasy.

Now, he doesn't listen to what we say to his face, so I'm not too worried he'd make the effort to find my blog, which is why I'm sharing this.  Why do we have to have these conversations?  Is there a residential drug treatment program where he can go until he's 23?  I'd be happy to pick him up on his 23rd birthday.  Do you remember when I wrote about the Shoshone Shaman?  One of the things he told me when we were speaking privately was that we needed to get him away from his friends.  I couldn't agree more, but to where? with what resources?  How much do we try to intervene when he couldn't care less about what we say or what he's doing?  How would we pay for a program anyway?  It would bankrupt us.  I pray every night that someone will come into his life at some point that can help him snap out of it and get his act together.  He has so much going for him.  He could be anything he wanted to be.  He's SO smart.  Instead of channeling his gifts and talents into a successful future, he's throwing it all away.  Why can't he see it?  Why is it so easy for him to justify the drugs - he can prove scientifically that they won't hurt him.  REALLY?!?

Tie the knot and hold on, Mama.

What NOT To Say

The past couple weeks I've been binging on Poldark (Masterpiece PBS).  I watched all four seasons, sometimes 2 or 3 episodes a day because it's intense!  I'm not ashamed, I loved it!  It was a great diversion from the chaos and stress we've been living with.  Season 5 doesn't come out for another year, so I may have to watch them all next summer so I remember what happened.

I stained our kitchen countertop today.  There's one piece that is a titch too long and needs to be cut one more time,  but it looks amazing!  Too long is better than too short, am I right?  A couple of years ago my friend called me from IKEA and told me that they had their solid birch butcher block slabs for $25 (normally over $150).  I got down there as fast as I could and bought 4, knowing that eventually we'd remodel the condo kitchen.  Since we never did that, we used them in our kitchen here.  We literally had less than 2 inches of waste, just barely enough to get it all covered.  I used gel stain which was super easy.  After getting that end piece cut and in place, we'll seal the surface, call the plumber to hook up the dishwasher, the fridge and the sink, assemble drawers and put all the doors on.  It's such a relief to be so close to a finished project!  More pictures to come!  Or maybe we should just have a big party here and y'all can just see it in person.  😁

Brooklyn thinks we should either move the piano to her room,
or get another one and move this piano to her room.  Um, no.
I'm very proud of her!  She's been learning the piano on her
own.  She can play all of the simplified hymns and has picked
up The Feather Theme from Forrest Gump too.  This girl needs
more music!  We sure love her!

Our resident termites.  We found them when we tore the work bench
out of the garage. It appears they only got to the one stud, although the
whole house was treated.  They are dead now and we are putting the garage back together.  

I have talked several times about my great friend Sharla on here.  She's a great friend and I love her and her family to pieces!  Her daughter, Kenzi, was diagnosed with a rare form of Sarcoma a couple years ago.  My heart just ached for them, Kenzi was only 24 when she was diagnosed stage 4 because it had spread to her lungs.  After I was diagnosed last year, Kenzi became a great support to me, answering questions and helping me realize that I didn't have to let cancer dictate how I lived.  Kenzi passed 9 days ago.  I knew her time was getting close so I stopped by to see Sharla and her family.  Her husband, Mikayel, came and embraced me.  I said "how are you?" and immediately realized the stupidity in my question.  His wife lay in the next room, hooked up to oxygen, unconscious, living what turned out to be her last day on earth.  HOW SHOULD HE BE?!!  A better statement would have been, "I'm so sorry."  Or "We love you guys."  Or "We've been praying everyday for your peace."  In situations like this, it should be obvious how family members are.  But I asked the one thing that was obvious and felt so bad for saying it.

Kenzi got exactly the Life Celebration she wanted.  It was a potluck dinner held in a reception center. They had a lot of tables set up for guests to sit around and talk, with music playing in the background and a slide show of her amazing life on the big screen.  My friend Gidget designed and assembled beautiful floral centerpieces for the food tables and the guest tables.  And there was a lot of food, all brought by the guests in attendance.  It was quite informal, people (including her parents) in jeans and mingling.  

Friends, this is EXACTLY what I want to!  I want people to see me before I go, not after! If you care about me, come visit and tell me.  I don't want to be "viewed" (except my immediate family and a some close friends who won't talk about how my embalmed self looks).  I want a party, I love potlucks!  I want people to remember they were happy to know me!  I'd love those happy memories written down or recorded for my kids and Mat to have something special.  Then let's just do a graveside service instead of a long funeral with musical numbers.  There's nothing wrong with funerals with musical numbers.  But it's not how I personally want to go out.  I've made my wishes known to Mat and others.  This isn't a statement of my impending doom, just a statement of my greatest wishes in regards to what I want my exit to look like.

Scan Results

The house has progressed a lot this week, we got the rest of the flooring done on Thursday, which meant that we could get the appliances installed today, which means we can finish the kitchen (countertop) and start putting our lives back together.  My friend Dawnette has come and spent so much time helping me hang blinds, shop for the little things I needed to get, helped me brainstorm solutions to various problems, helped me rearrange furniture until it was just right and hang pictures.

I've had my head wrapped up in other things and hardly had a chance to worry about Wednesday's CT scan.  My appointment was late in the day, so I wasn't too concerned when I didn't get a call yesterday.  Late last night I got on my chart and saw results for the Echocardiogram (normal) and the chest part of the CT scan.  Everything looks good there!

What I didn't find was the report for the abdominal part of my CT scan.  That's the one I'm most concerned about right now.  That's how they track what's going on in my liver and surrounding organs.  That's where they watch what's going on in my bones.  This was the first full cycle since we took Perjeta off my treatment plan. I've been so nervous about making the call to cut it out because it was working, but not worth the itching misery.

When I got to Huntsman today I expected to get the hormone shots and pick up my study drug.  That turned into a 4 hour ordeal and a lot of sitting and waiting on various things.  There was confusion about the injections because I didn't show up and get them last month.  I'm pretty good at showing up when they tell me to, but for some reason it wasn't on my radar.  They told me Dr. Prystas was coming in (on her day off) just to see me.  So then my mind imagines the worst, that she didn't post the other report because it was bad and she wanted to talk to me in person.

As it turned out, she just forgot to post the CT report to my chart.  And the scan results were good!  I think she probably came in to work out with the study coordinator what to do with me because things were thrown off by me last month.  UNCHANGED is the word I love to see! It's still there but it hasn't changed.  😊

1. Small hypoattenuating lesions in the liver are unchanged compared to 8/1/2018. On prior studies these were larger and compatible with metastases.
2. Unchanged patchy sclerosis within the left iliac bone, concerning for metastasis.

Blessings of all kinds

I learned just after I was diagnosed that I, as a stage 4 cancer patient, would qualify for Social Security Disability.  I never got around to applying because I didn't want to deal with the hassle of a government agency OR the waiting game.  But as the season wrapped up this year, I thought I'd better look into it to get a little dough coming in from my side of the equation.

Three weeks ago, I finally got on and set up an account.  I found that the application, while redundant (asking the same questions again and again), was easy to fill out and submit.  THE NEXT MORNING, I got a call from someone at Social Security.  He asked me a lot of questions.  At one point I thought to myself, "Man, I hope this guy is who he says he is because he could steal my identity in one second with everything I've told him!"  He clarified dates, diagnosis, when the disability began, etc.  I asked if he wanted my medical records.  He said he didn't need them (what?!?) and he would get everything submitted right away.  And he was really sorry about my diagnosis and wished me the best.  I honestly didn't expect anything to happen for months.  Government Bureaucracy and all.  But this week, we had a deposit in our checking account for 12 months of disability back paid to when I was diagnosed.  We were shocked!  How is it possible that the government can be so efficient that they get me approved and paid within 3 weeks of my applying?  Nothing short of a miracle and God's Tender Mercies.

I haven't worked full time since Maddie was born, but have done enough with my business and my part time gigs that I had the credits I needed to qualify.  I won't get a lot each month, but enough to help the budget some and take some pressure off.  What a blessing!

We've seen many blessings since we got our house.  So many people have been here helping us accomplish what needs to be done.  Mat said he was looking around at church last Sunday and counted 34 people who have been at our house helping with everything from removing carpet, the old kitchen, framing, sheetrock, wallpaper removal, mudding and sanding (it felt like we did that at least a hundred times), installing cabinets, helping with electrical, etc. etc.  Our neighbor told us not to worry about moving in before the kitchen was done because we could eat dinner at her house every night until we are done.  Another friend has been here every day this week helping me with my list of things to do and shopping for things we need.

And for those of you that have struggled with the paper backing from 47 year old linoleum glued to subfloor, we threw in the towel today.  After trying every adhesive remover on the market, sander, steamer, and heat gun remedy we found on Youtube, it's still there, and there it will stay.  Tearing out and replacing the subfloor was NOT an option with everything else going on.

I worked my tail off last week moving as much "small" stuff as I could.  Seven months ago I registered for a breast cancer retreat in Park City, long before I knew about moving!  The retreat was organized specifically for my stage 4 support group at Huntsman.  So I already knew most of them, and by the end was friends with all of them!  The foundation is called Image Reborn, they provide 3 day retreats to breast cancer survivors for free, all through the year.

I felt so guilty last weekend not helping when everyone was here moving our stuff - and I was at the retreat.  But I'm telling you, I needed to be there.  Mat asked me if I could get a ride because he knew he would need both cars getting things moved over.  I arranged a ride with my friend, Tina, who is in the group as well.  I didn't know until we were on the way up there that she needed to leave a little early on Sunday morning to get back for her Primary program.  She was happy to bring me home again, but I hoped to stay until the very end.  The last activity of the retreat was a Shoshone blessing.  I really wanted to see/experience that so arranged for a ride home with another friend.

My friend, Mieke, is married to a Shoshone Shaman.  He is considered a "medicine man" or a healer.  He explained that the "Great Spirit" is their name for God, just as some refer the the "Universe" or "Allah" as God.  To us he is Heavenly Father.  Sage (sage brush) is a very important herb for many native American tribes, including the Shoshone. Sage sticks are burned to produce smoke that cleanses and heals.  The process is called Smudging.

I took this off a website www.warpathstopeacepipes.com.

Smudging is a traditional Native American Indian method of burning herbs to produce a smoke cloud which is used in various cleansing or prayer ceremonies and purification or healing rituals. Cleansing rituals involving smudging often initiates healing sessions.  The smoke was believed to disperse impurities allowing the healing process to commence. As the smoke rose it was believed that prayers would also rise to the Spirit World and negative thoughts and emotions were lifted away.  The Shaman fans the smoke over the person using his hand or a feather to disperse the smoke toward the Great Spirit and the heavens.

I loved experiencing this new culture!  He explained what the blessing means and how the sage plays into the ceremony.  Then he told us that when he does a group like this, he meditates to see if he can discern the needs in the group.  He said as he was coming up the canyon and meditating, all he could see was gray, fog, he couldn't see through it.  He knew that there was one in the group that was in real need.  I could have, at that moment, raised my hand and announced that it was me.  But I didn't want to take away from the Spirit or the needs of the other members of the group.  Because maybe, I thought, I wasn't the only one with big struggles right now.  So I said nothing.  He came to give a blessing to each of us individually, as he went around the room he spoke Shoshone and dispersed the sage smoke over us.

He started on the other side of the circle, blessing each person in Shoshone, burning the sage and waving the smoke toward the sky.  I was the last one in the circle.  When he came to me, he immediately sensed it was me and acknowledged that.  He was emotional as he felt the weight of my/our burdens.  My blessing was a little longer than the others as he burned the sage and waved it toward heaven.  We talked after about what was going on in our house and he offered to come and cleanse the house and do a salt ceremony.  I'm going to take him up on that after things are put back together.  I think it's similar to when a priesthood holder dedicates a house after you move or have a need.  We'll do that too!  I was grateful for his concern and the time he took to talk to me after the ceremony.

We are having a real struggle with Isaac.  There's quite a bit of negative energy being heaped on us right now.  We're working through it the best we can.  PLEASE keep us all in your prayers as this challenge affects the whole family.

House Progress and other stuff

This is a drastic improvement from how it was before!
So much wallpaper from the 70's and 80's was removed,
it was so dingy and dark.  It looks so much better!

I haven't written in a while.  We've been so busy trying to get the house ready.  The walls took forever.  There was wallpaper on every surface upstairs, except in the bedrooms.  It took so long to get if off, repair walls, mud, sand, mud, sand, and then do it some more.  A couple of times we had a small army over to help with painting.  We could not have done it by ourselves!  But they're done now and we are finally moving on to flooring and kitchen.  Never mind that we committed to be moved out of the condo by the 15th.  And no one has started packing yet.  I've had a long list of things written down that we/I need to get done.  Tonight I threw it away and wrote only the things that I need to do.  I feel a little better about the project now.  The other night I was talking to my friend, Kelly.  She assured me that we can move in with an undone kitchen, because we can eat at her house every night until we have one.  My friends are so cool!

This week we're hoping for flooring, kitchen install (by us and a few friends), new toilets, plumbing fixtures, etc. etc. There's still a lot to do . . .  we'll get there.

I found this picture on wendyvonsosen.com tonight.  This says it all.  We're dealing with some serious challenges with one of our kids.

These are challenges we didn't see coming, but it makes total sense now-hindsight is 20/20.  I don't feel comfortable sharing gritty details.  Maybe when things smooth out a little bit.  Suffice it to say that this situation is way harder than cancer.  If you can just remember this one thing every day, in every interaction: Everyone you come across in your life is fighting a hard battle.  Be gentle, don't judge, and LOVE WITHOUT RESERVATION.  Love, love, love.  That is the key.

My friend texted me about a seminar that was going on at Bountiful High this week.  Mat and I went, we came away with so much valuable information!  It was put on by the man than runs www.listenlearnandlove.org.  Tom Christofferson was there, as well as parents of a teen boy from Bountiful that committed suicide 6 years ago.  Friends, we've got to do better in Utah.  We've got to do the things I listed in the last paragraph.  Be gentle, don't judge, and love.  You have no idea what someone has gone through in their lives to get to where they are today, not unless you talk to them and love them without preconceptions and judgement.  I didn't have to think about this until about a year ago.  I never considered how hard life is for someone who is a square peg, trying to fit in a round hole.

I had two positive interactions last week with transgender women.  So random!  One was when I responded to an ad for a bathroom vanity.  The other was when I met Catherine at the seminar on Thursday.  I talked to her for a good, long time asking her questions about her life and how she got where she is today.  She is active in her Bountiful ward, they love her and accept her for who she is.  I was so happy to hear that!  I don't think that's the experience most LGBT have here.  We don't have to agree with the lifestyle, but we do have to LOVE!  More later, it's late!

p.s.  I didn't say any of this because I'm perfect at it.  I've got SO much work to do.  I'm no different than anyone else!  Just want to make that clear!