Chinese Medicine

I feel so great right now! Since I started taking the Ritalin in the morning, I can get through the day and even make dinner sometimes.  People ask me often if I'm in remission.  Unfortunately there is no true remission for my kind of cancer.  I will be on chemo the rest of my blessed life.  I have no way of knowing if this honeymoon period will last weeks or months or years.  I had a friend that survived 17 years with stage 4 breast cancer (little quality of life the last 4 or 5 years).  I also have friends who only make it 2 or 3.  That's why I try not to take one day for granted.  I try to complete something every day (usually into the wee hours of the morning!) that gets me closer to completing my Legacy projects.  Right now, I'm working on my 2014 book.  That was one of the toughest years of my life, and I didn't take a lot of pictures.  That was our first full year in Riverton.  That was when my Mom fell and broke her femur.  That is when she had to go into rehab and assisted living.  That is when we sold our parents home.  That is when it got "the ultimate of ugly" amongst most of my siblings.  Dividing her earthly possessions was ... interesting, the method and justification was SO wrong. Enough of that! 2014 will be one of the shorter books.

This isn't me.  I've never had toes
that looked like that!  But this is what it looks like.

I go up to Huntsman every couple of weeks for acupuncture.  I have NO idea how it works, but I come out of there feeling so relaxed and refreshed. I'm a big fan! My acupuncturist is the greatest.  She has a doctorate in Chinese medicine and acupuncture, she knows pretty much everything.  When I come in she will ask me what I want to focus on. Today I told her sleep issues and anxiety about sleep issues.  I usually have needles in the top of my head, my wrists and hands, and my ankles and feet - like the picture.

So we talked for a good long while about what Chinese medicine says about sleep and anxiety.  She said Americans have it so wrong! (My words not hers!)  We rush, rush, rush from here to there, we are glued to our phones or other screens, we try to do everything and don't accomplish much of anything.  We are stressed out to the max, we are short tempered and impatient (again, my words!).  I'm totally paraphrasing.  I told her when she came back in to remove the needles that I lay there during the session thinking about how I wished I had recorded our conversation because it was so profound.

We talked about how great our generation had it as kids.  We went outside all day and played in the fields and with the neighbor kids.  My family had a "party line" so to make a phone call, we had to pick up the receiver to see if someone else was on it.  We had 2 acres of land, a huge vegetable garden, a handful of dogs, an occasional pony and rabbits we raised in the barn.  My dad was going to get rich selling the pelts.  I watched more than my share of rabbits losing their lives in a quick, efficient manner.

The thing that really stuck out to me was she said that in reality, we need only 3 things.  Breath, Food, and Sleep. And if we put equal amounts of effort into each one, we would be much healthier.  She's not talking about the shallow, fast breathing we tend to do naturally.  She's talking about deep, slow breaths to help you relax and focus.  She's talking about healthy food, avoid the junk! She's talking about using the hour before bed for meditation and prayer to clear your mind and help you sleep better.  It's all so logical but it's all so foreign to us!  There were so many other great things she said, but that was my take home.  In other words, I've forgotten everything else.  But it was good.

My heart is breaking tonight for my cousin I mentioned.  She had her PET scan today.  She is shocked, emotional, frightened, just trying to absorb everything.  I hate that other people have to go through what we've been through!  CANCER SUCKS!

Puppies

I haven't updated in a long time, there hasn't been a ton to write about!  I spend my days driving carpool, working in my yard or the one yard I still do through my business, taking care of the dogs (yes, dogs, plural - I'll explain), trudging through dinner duties. I'm at Huntsman often, between infusions, acupuncture, therapy, shots, my group, etc.  My last scan showed no evidence of disease.  That's my 4th scan in a row showing no evidence.  Pretty cool!  But it's bittersweet.  My cousin in Arizona has been messaging me this week because she was just diagnosed with my same disease, Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.  She is in the terrifying beginning stages, she has a PET scan on Tuesday.  She already has MS and epilepsy.  Honestly, can't a girl catch a break?!

I had chemo today. My 30 minute infusion took an excruciating 3 ½ hours.  My port was plugged again.  They have to be able to put saline in and draw blood out before they can run the poison in through the port.  Sometimes the end will get plugged up with a tiny bit of tissue or whatever.  They inject something called TPA to try to dissolve whatever is blocking it, then you wait a half hour.  Today, it was still plugged after a half hour, so I had to wait another half hour.  While I waited the 2nd half hour, I was texting my friend Belinda in Spokane.  She is an amazing, faithful woman who said she would pray "right now" that it would unclog.  I know her well enough to know that she did pray for me right then, and it worked.  Shortly after that, there was blood coming back.  Belinda, You are Amazing!

Because the port has to be working before they can even order chemo from the pharmacy, I had another long wait for the chemo to even come.  It was such a long day, I came home and crashed while Mat made cream of wheat for dinner. We joked about it being lumpy.  It was home cooking and satisfying.

My niece Jessica asked me a few weeks ago if I would come and talk for their Relief Society activity.  She asked me to talk about Legacy, because that's been a big deal for me.  It's one of the early things I worried so much about - if I had to leave my family prematurely, then what could I do now to make sure future generations know as much as possible about me.

In a nutshell:

• I'm going to write Legacy Essays on topics such as honesty, integrity, work ethic, education, having hope, charity, faith, optimism, the Atonement (what it means to me and what it can mean for you), etc. etc. 
• I started writing my personal history, not chronologically necessarily, but in clumps, things about me that I think my grandkids would want to know.
• scrapbooking has always been important to me.  Prior to 2004, nothing of ours is digital.  I'm taking apart those big, heavy Creative Memories books to digitize, prioritize and simplify what I have.  I'm building books in Shutterfly online.  When it is all digital, that will be one more back-up of precious family memories.
• I'm going to make Legacy videos that I can upload to Family Search, so my people can see me and hear me talking about important things.  I have my first one done already, me and Mat talking about my childhood.
• I want to make digital scrapbooks with stories from some of our ancestors.  I have a friend that works at Family Search.  She showed me a book once she had made for her nieces and nephews. It was a compilation of stories and pictures about their pioneer ancestors.  It was so cool!  Which family members served missions in the early church?  Who was the first to join the church on each line?  Who sailed across the ocean to come to America, where did they settle?  What ship were they on?

I went to a class at RootTech last year.  A guy who works for Family Search said this:

• Share your memories with your kids.  Studies show that knowledge of family stories can help kids better manage stress.  Other studies show that those affected by trauma can find healing through family storytelling. 
• Children who know their family stories have a higher degree of self-confidence.
• Strong family narratives are the number one predictor of a child’s emotional well being.

We were never going to have a dog.  Now we have two!  We got Bentley a few months ago from friends of ours. He is a great dog, has been relatively easy to train, he doesn't run off anymore, he listens/minds sometimes.  :)  He basically fell into our laps!  We weren't expecting on getting a dog, not a big one!

I learned about the Havanese breed years ago.  The more I researched the more I liked!  Hypoallergenic, low maintenance lap dogs, no shedding, not yappy, etc.  I was pretty much in love.  When I first talking to Mat about it in February, he was shocked - because we weren't doing a dog again!  But we talked about how a little creature might be just the thing the kids need, to have a little creature to love and help them through what could be coming.  This week, this little Havanese fell into our laps.  She's a little older as far as puppies go, 15 to 16 weeks, so she's a little unsure about where to do her business (her birth home had a dog door, we don't have a dog door) and she had 10 other little friends to play and sleep with.  So sleeping by herself, in a kennel has been a transition. Reading her cues about potty is hard for us.  So many times we've taken her out because it seemed like it was time, she'll do nothing outside and come back in and do it in our bedroom.  So there are some quirky things about her, but she is so sweet and loves everyone.  She's doing good with recognizing her name (Pyper).  And Bentley is adjusting, slowly.  They'll be chums soon!  He's pretty funny about making sure HE gets more love and affection than SHE does.  We're doing our best, we don't want him to feel like he's been replaced.  It's an adventure, I tell ya!  but I don't regret it one bit. 

German Mission Reunion

...  Thousands ...

I had the most amazing opportunity tonight.  A few weeks ago, my German friend Karin told me about a meeting for all missionaries who served in Germany at any time.  Elder Bednar would be the speaker.  At the time she told me, it was 2 or 3 weeks in the future, and I determined to just see what was going on when the time came.  The nail in that coffin was I didn't put it in my calendar.  When I heard from Wanda that she was coming from Tridell, we arranged to go together and meet up with Karin and Daryl there.

Also known as Hark, All Ye Nations

What I wasn't anticipating was one of the most profound spiritual feasts I've had in a long time.  I was so grateful I was there!  My friend Karin went straight from work and was able to get seats in the center section on the 5th row.  It was at the institute on the West Jordan campus.

The room was filled with electricity, everyone there was in some way connected to preaching the Gospel in the land I love so much, and I'm surrounded by literally thousands of people that felt the same way I did.  There were 2 chapels and two full sized gyms filled to more than capacity, as people stood around the edges the entire meeting as well.

Elder Bednar gave such a great talk, which I'll sum up in a few major points.  He talked about all the changes that have happened, the "new" policies, the witness thing, ministering, missionaries being able to call home once a week, etc.  People around here talk about how so much has changed in recent months.  He assured us that the things that have happened have been in the works for decades.  "Line upon line, precept upon precept".  And guess what?  These changes weren't put into place for Utah.  They were put into place because we are a worldwide church, and the needs of the members in Africa aren't the same as they are here.

One example.  He said that the average lifespan of an adult male in Africa is 44 years.  When the father of the house dies, it falls on the oldest son to take over the responsibilities of providing for the family.  If a young man goes on a mission, who takes care of he family?  Those sons need to communicate and know that their families are cared for.  Now, I've grossly oversimplified his story and probably didn't do it justice.  The witness policy changed for members living far outside the epicenter of our church.  It wasn't for us, guys!

Another example.  Ministering isn't a new concept.  It's just a higher and holier way of doing what we were already doing by being visiting or home teachers.  It's more about service and less about checking off a box every month.  By praying about the people around us, we'll know through the Spirit how we can best meet the needs of those in our circle of influence.

My people! Gretchen, Michelle, Wanda and Sheri.
Karin got away before we took the picture.

The other profound thing he talked about was this.  He talked about D / C 80 where Stephen Burnett was called on a mission.  Who's that?  The Lord said, "Wherefore, go ye and preach my gospel, whether to the north or to the south, to the east or to the west, it mattereth not, for ye cannot go amiss."  It didn't matter where he went to serve his mission because he would find people that needed the gospel wherever he went.  I think we do a great job of complicating things.  Preparing our homes and families for His return is a matter of being good, keeping our covenants, and ... another thing I can't think of right now but I'll add it later.  I came home so uplifted.  And I was so grateful to be able to hang out with a couple thousand friends who share my love for the country and people of Germany. The work is progressing, lives are changing, miracles are happening because of the small army of young and old missionaries that have been and are now there.


I have chemo in the morning morning and will give an update on my life tomorrow.
Preview: itching 😩

Just read it. I can't think of a title.

A couple of nights ago, I found this picture as I was going through prints that need to be digitized still. This never ended up on our wall because while I love it, it was too painful a reminder of what we had endured. This is from the photo session for McKinleys first birthday.  Pretty decent for Target! We got some other good shots of her, always with faint worry lines and a little melancholy on her face.

Man, we've been through a lot. Revisiting these pictures brings back all the emotion of that first diagnosis.  At that time I never thought I would be back here.  I planned on the normal, run-of-the-mill life I had always imagined. I'm grateful for those "cancer-less" years where we could be normal.  The cancer of the past wasn't returning because I had done everything I needed to do, with the help of an amazing team.

So many blessing have come along the way.  It's hard to say how many times the right people and the right resources have dropped into our laps. It's so evident it was/is that Heavenly Father had our backs.  I forget sometimes, I'm not going to lie. Sometimes I try to carry it by myself.  I forget to rely on Him whose strength and love have gotten us through so much.  Today a friend said after seeing this picture of McKinley, "Wow. You're amazing!  I don't know how you've dealt with that with such positiveness!"  I told her I didn't know how I did it either, then said "God is how." I'm not amazing. Heavenly Father/Mother/Christ/the Atonement is amazing!

My current struggle is extreme fatigue.  I've mentioned it a couple of times, but more and more days in the recent past I struggle to get out of bed, or to function on a basic level.  I sent my oncologist a message last night and told her that I couldn't go another week like I am.  I requested either a dosage drop in the study drug (that's what is causing the fatigue - my body is maxing out on its toxicity) or a prescription for Ritalin or something similar.  Believe it or not, that is one way they treat fatigue in cancer patients!  And since I've always had untreated ADD, it may actually help me organize thoughts, think of words I'm trying to say and have coherent conversations! I told her my preference was the ADD medication because I hate to do anything that could alter my stable state right now. She'll get back to me tomorrow!  🌳🌲 Which is a good thing because yesterday I bought 3 more trees and 17 perennials and shrubs that need to be planted.  I think all I need to finish the yard, REALLY finish the yard, is 2 or 3 more trees and 7 or 8 shrubs.  And more perennials.  No big deal.  😂

CT scans, police reports and back-peddling. Ha!

Sept. 11, 2017 (I'm recalling what happened 2 years ago, this is not a current event!)

I had my CT scan to find out where my cancer was.  It is also, incidentally, the day I found out the Facilities Management church people had filed a police report against me.  My friend, Sharla, was with me that day.  It was "exciting"!  That might be a story for another day.  😂😜😅  The police report quickly went away when I told a certain high councilman where I was and the news I was awaiting.  All of a sudden, there was much concern and prolific apologies and a visit from my Bishop within the hour.  News spread fast!

Anyway, the12th I got the news that the cancer was in my lymph system and liver.  I knew immediately the liver news was bad based on how my oncologist told me.  I needed a biopsy from the lumps in my neck to confirm it was breast cancer and not lymphoma.  Duh.  The waiting between that news and when the surgeon could do the biopsy and the results coming back from the lab?  Excruciating.

A lot has happened in the interim.  The devastation of having to come to terms with the fact that my life wasn't going to turn out like I always thought it would was/is the hardest.  Thinking of Mats and the kids struggle through all of this was/is hard too.  But even harder than that was thinking about all the things I would miss.  Graduations, anniversaries, marriages, grandkids, birthdays, missions, etc. etc.  It really felt unfair.  I'll always be grateful for my friend who had to pound into my head, "Kim, you will be here as long as God needs you here, He won't take you one day sooner than you're supposed to go!"

Y'all know that I'm an open book.  I pretty much say it like it is, I broadcast exactly how I feel on any given day on the blog or to your faces.  I'm mostly honest too.  It occurred to me recently that when people ask me how I am, I say "I'm good!"  That's mostly true.  Scans didn't see tumors the last 9 months or so, so that's fantastic!  I'm on the same chemo I've been on since the beginning - seems to be working at the moment!  The biggest side effect I have right now is extreme fatigue - it's the study drugs fault.  Yesterday, my day was this:  I got up at 10:30 or 11:00, ate my first meal of the day, watched some TV for a bit, then took a nap until I had to pick up carpool.  Mat came home a little later and I said, "I literally did nothing today."  I find that if I have a good day and push it too hard, I have to take a couple days off to rest.  So pathetic, so different from the old me.

I have a list of things to do around the house, stuff I could do without Mat.  But do you think I could get anything done??  Everything overwhelms me.  Opening the bucket of sheetrock mud to fix a few holes?  Too much effort.  Carrying the laundry downstairs?  Too heavy.  Vacuuming?  Too heavy.  Spraying the perennial weeds in the lawn?  Too much effort.  Forget it.  I have a list on the wall in my bedroom, I look at it every night and sigh.  I've had "make dentist appointments" on my list for weeks.  Apparently, too much effort despite having two broken teeth.  I really should have those looked at!

This is typically how much Brooklyn eats
for dinner.  You can't be too careful,
amIright? She's SO picky about food!

I had my support group today, which is always great.  Today we had a guest speaker, one of the doctors at Huntsman.  He talked about what they know about cannabis use in cancer treatment.  Turns out, not much!  The only thing it appears to help is nausea.  There's no proof it does anything to "kill" cancer, despite so many websites and FB groups claiming otherwise.  There were more people there than usual.  At the end, Lisa (social worker) said, "So after hearing all of this, who would still use cannabis to help with symptoms?" One or two people raised their hands.  The rest of us said No Thanks!  Especially because there is a synthetic, perfectly legal form, a prescription, I can get called Marinol.  I took it my first go around because my nausea was so bad.  It was one of the nausea drugs I rotated through.  Nausea hasn't been much of an issue (yet) this time around.  Well, not since February '18.

I've seen a lot of friends lately, that's pretty important to me right now.  I better not list them because I know I'll forget one or two!  Me and my friend Karin (met on my mission in Germany-she lives in Bountiful now!) went to see one of my favorite mission companions, I have two favorite mission companions.  She lives in Tridell, near Vernal, I don't get to see her very often.  But when you're in the shape I am, the drive is worth it!  I love her so much.  She has hard things in her life, just like everyone does.  It was great to see her and catch up!  We were together in Heidelberg, which is also where we met a new member, Karin.  That was 1992.  We laughed so much together, had amazing spiritual experiences together, ate A LOT of chocolate and gelato together.  Those are memories I'll always have, I'm so grateful!

Karin and Wanda

I went on a road trip with Maddie last week.  We went to Denver because we learned about a company called Johnson O'Connor that does aptitude testing, for help in choosing a career based on what you're aptitudes are (what you're good at, how you function in certain situations, etc)  Aren't there resources in Utah?  Not like that one as far as I know.  It's a full day of testing and then a session to go over the results and get printed materials for further study into what she would be good at and well-suited for.  We'll take Isaac later this fall to do the same thing.  We stayed with my friend Olivia and her family in Lafayette.  I could just sit and talk to her for hours (we did!).  It was great!  Here's a funny story from our drive there though.

When we were coming home from our giant road trip last summer, we drove I-70 because I'd never driven the length of it from/to I-15.  Grand Staircase is amazing, we got some great pictures.  So I got this hair-brained idea that we should go that way to get to Denver.  So we're driving south and I finally realize "shouldn't we have hit I-70 already?"  So I pull off the next exit and pull up maps.  And I realize that I missed the I-50 shortcut to I-70, never mind that I could have driven Hwy 6 to Green River and then onto I-70.  So I'm passing road signs that tell me we are 460 some odd miles from Denver, and I realize what I've done.  And I'm calculating in my head how long that's gonna take.  And try to pass it off to Maddie like "we're good . . ."  My only option is to stay the course.  So driving to Denver took a solid 12 hours instead of 8.  It goes without saying that we took I-80 to go home, but we stopped at my sisters in Morgan and talked to her for 2 hours, so we were close to 11 hours coming home.  Do I regret it?  Nope.  We had lots of time to talk and laugh, to blast Hamilton and other musical songs, and make memories.  It was AWESOME!

Good days and Bad days

I go through cycles.  You guys see the good days, that's my public self.  Most of the bad days I keep to myself.  That's when I hunker down and work in the yard/garden, or flip through the channels (which doesn't take long when all you have is an antenna!) or when I really need to tune out, I wrap up in my warm fuzzy blanket and go to sleep on my bed.

Sometimes I think about how unfair all this is.  Why do my kids have to face life without their Mom??  Why does Mat have to face, think about, and deal with the idea of being a single Dad?!  Sometimes I don't like one bit where I am.  I can't really work, most days all I can muster is a couple hours of energy and productivity.  I see my kids, especially B and McK, struggle with understanding all of this.  I'm not saying the older kids don't struggle, just that they are a little better equipped and independent.

We picked up the kids from Camp Kesem today.  Everybody loves Camp Kesem, they never want to leave!  I think Camp Kesem is one of the greatest blessings of my cancer.  The kids get to go away for a whole week, they play, play, play with friends who understand what they're going through, and develop a support system that will last forever, people that will always be in their lives.  It costs the families only the gas to get there.

"Moosh" (Brooklyn) with her favorite Kesem
people, Milky Way, Cookies and Cream,
 Laffy Taffy and counselor, Guac

The only time cancer comes up at camp is Friday night before bed when the kids get together in their age groups and have what is called "Empowerment Ceremony."  Maddie ("Mozzie") went as a cook this year because they had enough female counselors.  She got to float between the groups and their different activities.  She ended up in McKinley's ("Eep") Empowerment Ceremony.  They all know that Friday night is the night they all sit in a circle and talk and cry.  Maddie said that McKinley came and wrapped Maddie's arms around her and she sobbed the entire time.  How do I deal with that?!  Seriously.  I don't know how to make this easier on the people I love the most.

I'm approaching the two year mark of being diagnosed stage 4.  Those anniversaries are killers!  I still remember the exact dates everything happened the first time around, now this.  When I got the diagnosis, my doctor gave us the "on average, women with disease like yours live . . . . . "  So every year when the anniversary rolls around, I wonder . . .  Did I use my time wisely?  Have I made a difference to someone?  Did I accomplish what I wanted to?  Does my family know I love them dearly?  Have I/we taught the kids what they need to know to live productive, happy lives?  and "I better get going on those leaving a legacy ideas I have!"  Times a tickin', I don't want it to run out before I've got meaningful things to leave my family.

While the kids were gone at camp, we tackled a big project in the yard.  We have just enough slope in this yard to be a problem.  Every time it rains, we get a flood of mud and rocks down our sidewalk in the back.  Our rain gutters are rusted out and useless, so all the water from the roof washes away the dirt in this bed.  I've debated over and over again about how to deal with it.  I didn't want to plant it and have more to maintain.  This is what I came up with.

The landscape fabric goes under the blocks to the sidewalk.  I've been to several gravel places around to see what rock they have.  It's so expensive to buy rock!  So, I went to the BLM office to see if there were places relatively close where I could pick up rock.  I settled on a location on the south side of Utah lake, about 8 miles west of Spanish Fork.  How's that for relatively close?  We've made 3 or 4 trips out here, and filled the Pilot.  One small bucket at a time.  This project has totally kicked my butt.

These spiders are everywhere, they spin delicate, intricate
 webs that you can hardly see.  We didn't notice them until
our second time out there.  

What do you say about the guy who has
come out here with me even though school starts
next week and he has a million things to do?
HE'S A KEEPER!

We hoped this was the last load, but it's not.
There's another flower bed along the south side
of the garage that needs rock too.

But this one is done!

School starts on Monday.  Everyone is back to the grind.  I've joked with Mat about seeing him again / having time for house projects / working on the sprinklers next June.  His job is nonstop, from August to June.  He's always planning, coordinating, picking music, rehearsing, doing extra assignments on the side (the national anthem at games ---- COME ON! JUST LET HIM COME HOME!  Can't the Madrigal President give them the pitch and waive her arm?!)  His choir tour will be different than the usual this year because this is the first year he's refusing to coordinate tour for his choirs AND the band ensembles.  It's taken a couple of years for him to get the courage to break off that arrangement.  And I can see why.  The band guys just let Mat coordinate everything from hotel rooms, roommates, buses, meals, events, volunteer parents, etc. etc. etc.  It was easy for them, now it will be easier for Mat.

That's it for now.

Our Trip (sorry the font is wonky - not sure why!)

I'm writing most of this after we got home.  We never did really have a good wifi connection in any campground we went to, so I'm catching up.

We got a slow start on Friday (12th).  We had taken the new Pilot in for wiring for the trailer a few weeks before the trip.  We immediately knew there was something wrong because when we even tapped on our brakes, the trailer tires would seize up.  Mat unplugged the wiring, our only options was to go back to the dudes that did it.  What we found out after spending 5 hours at the service department at Parris RV, was that some bonehead did the wiring totally wrong and they had to start over.  After 3 ½ hours, I said to the guy at the counter: "Just so we're all on the same page, we're not paying for any of this.  I'm a business owner and I get the hourly rate thing, but this is NOT our fault!"  We had already paid for it once, I wasn't about to do it again.

Because of our slow start, and despite having a reservation in Truckee, CA, we stopped in Battle Creek, NV for the night.  We had just enough sunlight to get the trailer up.  What we do is everyone but me sleeps in the trailer, I set up a bed in the Pilot so I can sleep without snoring.  It was SO hot, even after dark.  So I cracked the windows and tried to sleep.  When I woke up, I had mosquito bites all over my body, literally from head to toe.  I had Mat count the bumps that night, I had more than 30 itchy bites/bumps/welts.

Our first real stop was at Lake Tahoe and the Donner State Park.  Lake Tahoe is an amazingly beautiful place with some sandy shorelines (and millions of revelers to go along with it.)  Some shorelines are desolate with gigantic rocks in and out of the water that rolled down the mountain millennia ago.  The girls loved Kings beach on the California side where they played in the waves which were bigger than I thought normal for a lake.  But it's a pretty big lake!  It may be affected by the pull of the moon like the oceans.  The other beach that came highly recommended was Sand Hollow beach on the Nevada side.  It was a smaller beach with less people, but sandy.  Not like the giant rocks I had pictured in my head!  The kids still had a great time, and that was where Maddie and Isaac met us.  It was great to see them.  Maddie's joke is "I came to Lake Tahoe to swim for 10 minutes!"  That isn't an exaggeration.

The rare occasion I allow having my

 picture taken.  I don't like what cancer has done 

for me - my hair is weird, I'm "fluffy" and too tired 

to work for my beach body (or much of anything 

for that matter!)  My cancer is in a great place 

right now but it still does stuff to my body.

There are still rotten side effects to treatment that 

I don't talk about much.  I'm better at burying that 

stuff and dealing silently or with Mat.

Last night we stayed in Donner State Park.  Roughing it could be worse, it wasn't far off that.  No hook-ups and a bear proof container that everything with any scent has to go into at night.  All food, lotion, shampoo, insect repellent, deodorant, EVERYTHING!  We talked to an older couple who had a bear break into the cab of their truck in the 80's by standing on its hind legs and smashing it's claws through the side window.  Then the bear managed to get the cooler off the front seat and out of the truck had a bear party with his friends.

There is a nice visitors center at Donners Peak, a nice memorial for TOO MANY PEOPLE who didn't make it through the mountain pass.  The snow depth on Donners pass in the winter of 1846-47 was over 20 feet, many perished from starvation or illness they weren't equipped to treat.  A nice monument was put up in 1918, a simple rock monument that reaches 20+ feet in the air to signify just how deep the snow there was, and a monument to those families that sacrificed all they could to reach for their dreams.

I've always known this from history, but the thing I felt so conflicted about was that they were warned several times by people who had made the trek before about the crossing of Utah's salt flats on the way to the mountains, and that it was just plain too late to make it over safely. But all those parties could think of was saving 300 miles by not going around the mountain range.  Let that be a lesson for every one of us who is navigating this noisy, chaotic world.  Listen to those who have gone before and trust they know what they are talking about!


We went to the Tahoe ward on Sunday, which is very well attended in the summer by tourists.  I've seen protesters at pageants and conference, but I've never seen them standing at the driveways of the church on Sunday.  Pretty crazy!  I was happy to see my cousin Kelly and her family on the row next to us.  She's the big sister of the cousin I ran into in Nauvoo last summer.  Crazy small world!  I love all my Barson cousins and hope to see at least a couple more on this trip. (Ruth and Catherine!)

Blanche's garden, in just a few feet!  Amazing!

It's really easy for me to strike up a conversation with just about anyone.  There's opportunities all around us to help and serve if we look for them!  Today we pulled into a trailer park, more for permanent residents in mobile homes, but there are a few spots for people like us.  Our neighbor is named Blanche.  She is 80 years young (she even has a nose ring! If I make it to 80, I'm totally going for it!  The tiny spot around her 280 square foot home is filled with every conceivable vegetable and fruit, grape vines, a couple fig trees, a lemon tree, all planted in watering troughs for livestock that surround her yard. When she told me she's a professional gardener *AT 80* I knew we'd be instant buddies.  When I told her I did the same thing too, she was really impressed!  Her garden is WAY cooler than mine in Utah.

Mat does a good job of cramming our minutes with as much as we can manage.  Monday we spent half a day at Muir woods just north of San Fran. It's a beautiful national monument/forest with Redwood trees that are hundreds of years old.  The coastal climate is perfect for them, and they create quite a sanctuary in the middle of this urban environment.  Here's a couple of my favorite pics.

That's our kiddos down there on the bridge

BEST burger in town.  I couldn't handle more trailer food at this moment!  My kids are
always surprised when I suggest burgers because I tried for so long to eat a cancer friendly
diet.  For all the good it did me.  I'll take a burger and ice cream any day.

We got to the overlook for the Golden Gate just in the knick of time! The fog was rolling in from the
 coast, the sun was setting, and the moon full.  We were pleased to have this turn out just like it did!

We had considered catching public transport into the city today, but the amount of walking and stress that would have caused me wasn't worth it.  Especially with Hamilton tonight, navigating and getting home so late anyway.  Today (Tuesday) was spent entirely in the city.  We fought the traffic and parked in expensive parking garages to get as close as we could to what we wanted to do.  We went to Fishermans Wharf to explore, see the seals and eat fish and chips with malt vinegar for lunch.  Another stellar meal that wasn't trailer food!  We drove the famous steep streets, including Lombard Street that has sharp curves and beautiful gardens all the way down.  You know the pit you get in your stomach going on the initial decent of Wicked or Cannibal at Lagoon?  That's what it felt like cresting those hills.  We wandered through Chinatown for a while (just what you would expect ... Chinese trinkets) and found a shady park for our cooler food dinner.

And then, Hamilton!!! A-mazing! I have the whole soundtrack memorized, so I was curious to see how the musical and the soundtrack are different.  Pretty much the same thing.  The musical answered a bunch of questions though (like who exactly was singing at certain times, etc.), and brought to life the emotion of the actors in a way that the soundtrack can't touch.  It was so emotional and raw, at the end especially.  "Forgiveness . . . can you imagine?"

McK was determined to "not" like it, but the next day she was quoting lines and making up lyrics to the tunes.  😆  When Mat came to wake me up the next morning, I said "Yo, ya yo yo yo, What time is it?", inflection and all.  We're having a good time with it!
  

From day to day, we don't know where we'll end up.  We just look at where we are and how far we want to go, and see what our options are.  On Wednesday (17th) we packed up, Maddie and Isaac headed toward home after Mat got their oil changed, filled their car with gas, and we bought some groceries for the road.  It was great to have them there for a couple days.  We crammed in as much fun as we could while they were there, and they didn't regret making the drive.  They drove to Winnemucca for the night, we drove to Fort Bragg and found a suitable RV campground in a harbor by the beach.  It was interesting/sketchy in an OK way.  The camp host was a woman who lived in one of the permanent trailers on site, she had leathery skin that had been sunburned way too many times, she had a scratchy voice from a lifetime of cigarette smoking, missing teeth, and she openly smoked pot (of course it's legal in California, she offered to share some with us.  😂  She was kind of a hoarder, she had driftwood in all sizes piled all around her tiny trailer, just in case she could think of something to make and sell, or give to people who stayed there.   I WISH I had taken a picture of her and her stoner boyfriend.  Nicest people on the planet.

Glass Beach

Glass Beach is in Fort Bragg, it's NOTHING like the pictures you see online.  Glass beach happened because in the mid 1900's the city dump was the beach - unthinkable today!  The glass pieces that are there are tiny, so picked over by millions of tourists.  If I'd had 3 or 4 hours, I might have gathered a baby food sized jar full (which would still be cool, but I didn't have 3 or 4 hours).  I've been collecting smooth black rocks and driftwood all the way up the coast.  I am my mothers daughter!  My mom loved driftwood, and collecting cool rocks and seashells on the beach.  Many of the places we've gone to on this trip, I went with my Mom to years ago.  My favorite memories of her are at Yaquina Head lighthouse, collecting a handful of illegal rocks from the beach.  Thats a story for later.

If you look really close, you'll see tiny beads of glass,
mostly white, some green, brown and blue

We decided instead of the freeway, to drive the Pacific Coast Highway, where the scenery was amazing and the cool beaches plentiful.  The highway was nothing like I imagined it.  I pictured us driving on a road that hugged the water the whole way up.  Nope.  Our speed was mostly slow, winding roads up and down hills, through the forest, along the coast, through smaller towns, etc.  I don’t regret taking our time at all!  It felt easy and relaxing in a way.  I prefer to travel that way.

I wanted to visit as many lighthouses as we could as we went up the coast.  I've always been fascinated by lighthouses and why they were put where they were.  They really are historical markers because there are very few still in operation today.  The first one we came across was the Port Arena lighthouse in Mendocino County.  Pretty basic but cool.

Hwy 101 goes right through Redwood National Park which is cool.  These massive redwood trees are remarkable in their size and scope.        .................

The "Big Tree"

The next lighthouse we went to was in Crescent City, California, up near the northern border.  The interesting thing about this one was that you can only walk to it when the tide is low, and it's the only one left in California that is still in operation.  Tours are limited to when it's low tide, we arrived just after the last tour started and couldn't go up the tower.

Random

I saw my oncologist yesterday morning, after having labs done and talking to my study coordinator.  Dr. Prystas was so positive about the way my body has responded to the current regimen; the study drug Ibrance (palbocyclib), the hormone shots, and the Herceptin.  She said that we'll keep doing what we're doing if / until tumors start to grow again (cancer cells mutate and spread, that's why chemo can't always keep up with it.)

We've both been working hard outside this week, spent basically all day and into the night working on sprinklers for the front yard.  I ran drip lines through the flower bed while Mat (with a little help from Isaac) glued pipe and got it ready for sprinkler heads.  I cut down the old shrubs from along our back fence and have a huge pile of stuff that needs to be cleaned up.

I needed a chainsaw for what was left after I used my
hand saw all day yesterday.

This is "most" of the pile, really old Euonymus and snowball bush

Mat was boring out a hole in the sprinkler valve box and caught his left thumb today, so part of our day was spent at Instacare.  He ended up with stitches 3 layers down, 5 stitches on the outside.  SO GROSS!  We'll be in San Fran when he's supposed to have the outside stitches removed.  Hopefully we can find a clinic that will just do it for us.  I got the email link for our tickets to Hamilton today.  SO FREAKING EXCITED to see that!  I managed to make reservations for campgrounds near Lake Tahoe and near the Golden Gate bridge.  Hopefully we're that lucky as we make our way up the coast!

Life is Good!

Earlier this month we got to go on a retreat with a foundation called Inheritance of Hope.  The purpose of their Legacy Retreats is to help people with a terminal illness know how to leave a legacy for their families.  We got to connect with others who understand what we're going through, make a legacy video for our families, go on a river trip, a tour of the Biltmore mansion, we had a date night at an amazing restaurant with all the couples (while the kids had an amazing time at a trampoline park with our volunteers!)  Leaving a legacy was one of the first things I worried over after my diagnosis.  What would my legacy be?  How would my kids remember me?  What could I do to make sure grandkids know what I was all about?  For me, it's all about telling my story.  The material things I have won't mean a whole lot, but if I can communicate my love and admiration for my family, tell stories about my life, impart some wisdom . . . THAT'S the most important thing for me.

I'm working on digitizing everything that isn't, creating digital scrapbooks for every year of our lives together, writing my personal history - and if I manage to get through all of that, I'd love to make some books with ancestor stories as well.  We've got some really remarkable people and stories in past generations!  And the great thing is, today I got the gift of MORE TIME!

Stable patchy sclerosis of the left iliac bone.No findings of progressive thoracic metastatic disease are present.No evidence of abdominal or pelvic metastatic disease.

I had my CT scan today, the results came through this afternoon.  I've always had to wait until the next day to see them!  Greatest news ever!  My mind is a little bit boggled by this news, that I've had no evidence of disease in the last 3 scans??  Incredible.

In other news, McKinley turned 10, she
is super and awesome!  We'll have a friend party this week.  She got sushi for lunch, and a case of her favorite Ramen from the asian store.  This ramen is WAY better that Top Ramen from Smiths or Walmart.



We've managed to train the dog to do *this* when we're eating.  He only climbs on the table when someone leaves dishes there and he thinks he can get away with it!  We have the kitchen blocked off completely.  He'd have a hay day with all the dishes and food that sits around in there!

After we get home from our trip, we really need to have someone professional come in and help us fine tune his quirky stuff and make him an even better dog with better trained people!

Split Seconds

Maddie came home last night, which was so fun!  She requested we bring a chicken burrito from Cafe Rio to the airport.  But I forgot plastic silverware so she had to wait until we got home to have any.  😂  Mat was anxious to get to the airport, we ended up having to wait about 45 minutes before she finally came out of security!  It was a happy, tearful time for some of us, I'm not saying who.  This morning she pulled out the things she brought for us, there happened to be a lot of chocolate, but some other fun things as well.  She has some great stories to tell!

Maddie spent the day in Orem with a friend, I love that she can just ride the train and get there on her own!  She texted me tonight when she was about 10 minutes out and I left to go pick her up at the station.  I had just turned from 2600 S. on to 800 W. when an SUV on the side of the road suddenly went to make a U turn but didn't see me.  I swerved and honked but knew there was no way I would avoid getting hit.  All those thoughts go through your head at the same time!  When I came to a stop, I got out to ask the other driver if everyone was OK.

They were fine, I am fine.  There happened to be a policeman two cars behind me, so he saw everything.  There is quite a bit of damage to her front end and my entire passenger side.  The right front tire just made a skid mark when I pulled it off the road, so it had to be towed.

In a split second, you have to decide how to react.  The first thing I did was get out to make sure they were OK.  There were 3 people walking down the sidewalk at that moment, saw everything that happened, and stuck around for a few minutes while police and fire came.  As they walked away, they thanked me for checking on the driver that hit me.  I thought that was so peculiar.  Isn't that what anyone would do?  Twenty years ago I probably wouldn't have reacted the same way.  Mat has mellowed me out, and cancer has totally changed me.  You realize real fast after a diagnosis what is important, who is important, and how you want to live.  Freaking out about an accident isn't a high priority!!!  It's a perfect time to be a one car family!  Mat's off for the summer, so we can manage until we get this figured out.  I didn't think to take a picture until after it was towed.  Naturally!

Last Friday was the funeral for my friend Ginger.  They had it at the Regional Center in Bountiful.  She had such a tremendous influence on so many people through her work in the cancer community.  I had arranged with Candace, my friend who gave me the news of her death the Friday before, to go to the funeral together.  But when it came down to it, I just couldn't do it.  As great as Ginger was, I couldn't sit through a funeral knowing that she dealt with what I am dealing with.  I couldn't think about her leaving her kids behind.

As it turned out, Geri, my sweet friend, knowing how rough that week was on me, texted to see what she could do for me.  I asked her if she would come with me to run a couple errands and go to lunch.  So, I spent Friday NOT thinking about how hard and "unfair" life can be for people.  Instead I spent the day with Geri.  We ended up eating at this great Belgian cafe that I've driven past a thousand times but never stopped in.  Right next door is a birding store (27th and Highland) that I had to check out.  Coolest. Place. Ever!!  I bought some bird seed to inspire me to clean up my feeders and get them hung up again.  Thanks for saving the day Geri!

I've spent hours and hours working outside in the front yard.  I'm "almost" done and it looks good!  We need to redo the sprinklers, but will only focus on the the part of the yard where I just planted everything.  😜  Mat's a cool dude and can figure it out.