New Years Eve!

The day I was discharged from the hospital, the nurse said to me, "2011 is going to be such a great year for you!" (referring to no more treatments, surgeries, or cancer)  What?!?  That is a whole year away!  Here we are in 2010.  Two months ago, I wouldn't have imagined I'd be where I am today, awaiting more surgeries, chemotherapy, radiation, hormone therapy and all of the side effects that come with them.  Craziness.  But what do you do?  Throw in the towel?  I don't think so.  I have alot to live for, I have alot left to do in my life, I have 4 kids and a husband that aren't finished with me yet!

I had a couple of dear friends from our last ward come and visit me today.  Krista brought me a plaque to hang in my room, "I Can Do Hard Things", it says.  Isn't that amazing?  I have a perfect spot for it, at the foot of my bed (in my temporary bedroom) where I will see it every minute I'm in there.  Last night after Glenda said that to me, I was thinking, "Wouldn't it be cool to get the phrase in vinyl lettering or something and put it right there (at the foot of my bed)?"  Thank you, Krista, for following your heart and doing that for me.  I was also able to talk to Karen.  She was our RS President, always ready with a smile and a hug.  I've always loved her and was so grateful for her visit today.  She is always so willing to help with whatever she can, and she did that for me today.

We went to our friends tonight for "dinner" (if chips, dip, Oreos, chocolate chip cookies, sushi, shrimp cocktail, Hoho's and DingDongs can be considered dinner!  She made BBQ beef for sandwiches and had a vegetable tray too, but there was still quite a bit there when we left at 10:30 tonight  : )  ).  We made up our own version of Mexican Train Dominos because the instructions were too long.  I don't have the patience for that!  We played for at least two hours and had a great time with them all.  Thanks Esther, Beck, and Mish!  Maddie stayed to play until after midnight, the other kids are home and in bed.  It's after 11:00, my back is killing me, I need to go massage the lump in my belly, load up on more pills, and go to bed.  Hope you all had a fun night tonight!!  Happy 2010!

It's Back.

The fever.  Will it ever end?  I got to have two good friends come and spend the day with me today.  Mat needed to go do more bookkeeping today, so Heather came and spent the morning and into the afternoon, then Tricia came and spent the rest of the afternoon taking care of the baby.  Heather took the picture of Mat and I that's on the blog, she's very talented!  We are grateful to have that done because we haven't had a picture of just the two of us, since it was just the two of us!  She is a great friend and neighbor and we are grateful to have her and her family in our neighborhood.  I met Tricia (do I dare say?) working rides at Lagoon when we were 15.  (I always used to say, "I never worked fast food, but I did work at Lagoon" as if it was just as bad . . . it was.)  We became fast friends, and despite a gap of a few years when we lost each other, we are still great friends.  : )   It was really fun to sit and talk about everything under the sun today.  Thanks guys!

The baby has been a little cranky the last few days, so it wasn't easy for either one of them today.  I think she must be getting teeth.  She doesn't want to eat and just won't be content, no matter what.  That is very unusual for her, she's usually pretty easy-going.  It is getting a little easier to hold her, as long as she's calm.  I love to snuggle her as much as possible.  When she starts to wiggle too much, I give her back to whoever is here.  The pain I have now isn't so much from the incisions, or in my back because I can stand up a little straighter now.  The pain is from this hematoma.  It is about the size of a VHS tape, mostly above my belly incision, but some below too.  I'm supposed to massage it, which is not only painful when I'm doing it, but for several hours after as well.  I knew this wouldn't be a cake walk, but couldn't I get this and the fever out of the way before my next surgery (next Friday)?

The big kids spent the day playing with friends, playing in the snow, and now they are watching Harry Potter 3 - it's HP Marathon week at our house.  I think they are doing OK with all of this, for the most part.  Occasionally I see signs of stress and I know I need to be very careful about how I appear to them.  I've tried hard to be OK when they are around.  I want things to be as normal as possible for them.  I certainly have my moments, but I keep them to myself or with Mat. 

Mat has been amazing!  I know this is exhausting for him, but I'm grateful that he is willing to pull the house together and do what needs to be done.  You never imagine when you get married that you'll ever have to endure anything hard in your marriage.  Everything is bliss!  But the true tests come when something does go wrong, and you get to decide how you will work together to get through it.  Everyone has their "thing", their thing that is hard.  The trick is loving each other anyway, working together to get through it, recognizing the blessings that have come, and becoming a better person / family for it.  As my friend Glenda reminded me tonight, "I CAN DO HARD THINGS!"

PINK is the New Black

That's what will be on the front of our half marathon shirts!  Karin, do you like that better?  : )  I'm sorry to report that the Ogden Half Marathon is now full, so if you didn't register, it's too late.  : (    You are still welcome to come and be a screamer at the finish line, if you want.  And I'll still get you a shirt if you want!  Now you don't have to get up before the sun, like the rest of us.  If you're downtown by 9 a.m., it will be (maybe long) before any of us cross the finish line!  : )  So, you just let me know and I'll add you to my Finish Line list!

I went in to see the plastic surgeon today because part of my belly incision is red and a little swollen.  She felt all around that area and says a Hemotoma has formed.  Sounds scary, but it just means that there has been internal bleeding that is "gel-ing".  I have to massage it (OUCH!) as much as possible to encourage circulation in that area.  Eventually it will break up and get absorbed into my body.  She said removing the drains probably caused it (just the thought--Ouch, again!) and as long as I break it up, it will be fine.  I think I'll delegate that one to Mat.  : )  I can't stand to touch it.

It's dinner time around here, which means my fever is on the way back up.  The last two or three days I've been fine all day, then in the evening it goes up to about 100.6, I take Ibuprofen, it goes away, and I'm fine the whole next day, until dinner time.  Ugh.  Mat's parents have been here much of the day helping with the kids while we went to the doctor, now she's making dinner (smells good!) and they've cleaned a lot!  I am so grateful for the help we've received from family and all of you.  We're getting through this because of the hours and hours so many people have spent here helping us out.  I wish I could say we were through needing help.  We're not.  It will be a long road yet, but we'll get through it because we've had, literally, dozens of people offer to do whatever it is we need.  THANKS!!!  We love you!

Argh.

Surgery was two weeks ago today.  I guess you could call it a milestone.  I can start to straighten up a bit more when I walk, the bruising is going away and the swelling is slowly going down. That's all great!  But I have another fever tonight, I've had it since I was in the hospital.  It is so discouraging!  I just want it to go away.  I went in to the lab today for a throat swab to see if it's one of the flu's.  I haven't heard yet what they found, so I'll call in the morning.  Please keep us in your prayers! 

Mat is such a trooper!  I had scheduled a tour of the Sweet Candy Company for this morning, before any of this happened.  My goal has always been to try to keep things as normal as possible for the kids, so I asked if he would take them still.  Of course!  So he trekked off with our 3 big kids and our neighbor's 3 kids to go on the tour.  We kept the baby with us, and Esther came with me to the doctor's office (she carried the baby) so I could get the swab done.  They had a great time on the tour and got to sample some candy at the end, as if they need any more of that this week!!!

Marilee came and spent the entire afternoon helping me with the baby so Mat could go get some bookkeeping done.  I am so grateful for her help today.  It means Mat can do something besides round-the-clock caretaking and it helps him stay sane.  When he's here, he has to do it all--baby, meals, and everything else that needs to be done.  I still can't do very much, but I have taken the baby on my lap for short visits when she is calm.  When she starts to get too jumpy, I have to give her back.  She is sitting up like a pro and is really close to crawling.  She'll get up on all fours and sway forward and back, and she'll army crawl if there is something (like paper) that she really wants to get to!

We started a Harry Potter Marathon tonight, we'll end with 6 on Saturday.  Everyone is really excited!

Today has been an emotional day.  I didn't sleep last night, I just couldn't get comfortable.  I'm trying to be careful about the incisions, even when I'm sleeping, so I curl up and then everything starts to ache.  I just want to stretch out!  I was planning on some church today, but I just couldn't do it.  Good news is that next week we move to 11:00 (the perfect time!), so even if I don't sleep well, I should be able to get there!

Everyone tells me that the rollercoaster is normal.  I'll have up days and I'll have down days.  I just have so many questions still that don't get answered until the 7th!  I'm overwhelmed with the amount of help I / we will need to get through this.  And there is some fear of the still unknown treatments and what they will do to me--I know!  I'll be over the fear after a good night's sleep!  Please continue to pray for us.  I don't think I've ever done anything quite this hard before.  I've certainly had trials, but this is the grand daddy!  I am so grateful for constant well wishes and prayers and for all of you that have put our names in the temple.  I know that our names are in temples from Anchorage to Washington DC, and everywhere in between (and likely farther than that).  It's totally amazing and I am so grateful!  THANKS so much for your love and support!  Here's to hoping for a better nights sleep!

Half Marathon - I can, and you can too!

OK, I am starting to think about a few details for this race, which I am totally stoked about!  I would like to make / buy t-shirts for anyone on the team, so I need to start to collect some information.  Now, I've already been told by one friend that I can't do that, so, if you'd like to make a donation toward the t-shirts, that's OK with me.  : )   I'm going to list all of the people that have told me they are registered, or thinking about registering.  If you aren't listed, please let me know so I can add you to my list!  The paper I've been taking notes on is jumbled with lots of other stuff too, so I might miss someone.  If you are sitting on the fence, get registered!!  I know that about half of the people on our team will be walking the entire race, so this is something everyone can do!  Honestly, I may be walking the entire race too.  I just don't know where I'll be in treatment and how much time I will have to "train" for it.  The race is probably close to full, so registering soon is essential!!!  http://www.getoutandlive.org/  Once I know exactly who is doing the race, I'll contact you for your shirt size and start to get that part going.  I'm so grateful for your support!  I was going to do this race alone, but I now have at least 15 people registered to do it with me.  Isn't that amazing?  You can't imagine how that makes me feel to have so many people rally around and help me through this cancer stuff.  THANKS!

RACERS
Kari H.
Marissa
Holly V. (coming from St. George!)
Colleen J.
Kara E. (coming from Georgia!)
Teresa G.
Karin C.
Natalie B. (?)
Glenda B. (coming from Arizona!)
Marilee C, + 2 sisters, mom
Esther S.
Beck B., + 2 friends
Krista M. (?)
(?) means we talked about it but I don't know if you're registered

FINISH LINE SCREAMERS
Mat, Madison, Isaac, Brooklyn, McKinley U.
James, Tori, Kathryn, Isabelle S.
Val H.
Melissa S. (coming from Idaho!)
Kristy W.


Please let me know if there are any errors or additions.  Again, THANKS for supporting me in this.

I'm Balanced.

Today has been a quiet day, with the big kids gone all day.  They slept at my moms last night, and then went for a play date with cousins, Tyler and Zachary.  Julie, Mat's sister, came and spent much of the day helping with the baby so Mat could get some things done.  He went like crazy and used every minute he had and was able to accomplish a lot.  Thanks Julie!  Sarah came over too.  I've known Sarah for more than 20 years, she is a great friend!  She brought over two big bags of bird seed to fill our feeders so we can sit and watch the birds, like they do at her house.  I think it is amazing that she thought of it.  We haven't had seed in our feeders for several years, so we will enjoy that a lot!  She also helped me organize the kitchen, load the dishwasher and wash all the bottles.  Thanks Sarah!  I was able to get a nap after that and feel pretty good, except the pain in my back.  I can only sleep for about 4 hours before I wake up and toss and turn (carefully) for the rest of the night.  I woke up at 4:30 this morning with a fever of 100.6, so Mat came up and helped me get the pills I needed.  He is an amazing support to me!  The fever seems to be getting better.  It only spiked once in the last 24 hours, so I'm happy!  If it is still going on when Monday rolls around, I'll go to the doctor again.

I'm going to attempt church tomorrow.  The pain on my front side isn't too bad now.  It's the pain in my back from walking bent over that is the problem.  We'll see how it goes!  It feels good to be able to get out a little and try to feel "normal".  I called Esther this afternoon to see of she'd take me to Lace by Louise and get some inserts for my non-affected side, so I'm balanced.  : )   I've been wearing it ever since and it's not fantastically fun, but it's not too bad.

I was lucky to get a visit from Becky and Corrine tonight (see Nov. 22nd entry).  Corrine had the exact same surgery I did and knows from recent experience what I'm / we're going through.  She has been amazing about answering questions and being available.  She brought me a "sleep" hat and a cute, cheerful scarf which I'm so grateful for.  Thanks for taking time out of your busy day to come see me and give me a lift! 

McKinley's New Trick!

Merry Christmas!

Mat stayed up way too late last night throwing the last little bits of Christmas together, wrapping the "Santa" stuff and putting stockings together.  We always have a box of "sugar bombs" for each kid on the table for breakfast on Christmas.  We had a good time this morning, the kids knew most of what they were getting, but we had one or two surprises for each of them, so that was fun.  My thanks to Amy who helped Maddie make me a satin pillowcase!  It's so soft, a bright, cheery red and I love it.  My mom came and brought the Lion House Souffle, so we brunched on souffle and fruit smoothies.  That was really fun too!  I stayed in jammies until 1:00 and it felt good to sit around and watch the kids have fun.

Mat's parents came and stayed with the kids so Mat and I could go to LDS Hospital to try to get one last test done to see where this fever is coming from.  Well, the central lab couldn't find the order from my doctor, so they couldn't take the swabs.  Argh.  I'm just going to treat it until Monday and go see my doctor if I need to.  I actually feel much better today.  I've only taken Ibuprofen once and right now it feels like my temperature is normal.  Maybe we've turned the corner!  This must be a virus, but because I didn't have any of the other typical flu symptoms (nausea, congestion, cough, etc. Thank Heavens!) they skipped over it.

The three big kids are having a sleepover at my moms, so we watched a movie tonight and then went for a ride to see the lights downtown.  It's not quite the same when you stay in the car, but at least we were warm!  The baby fell asleep and it was so quiet, I didn't want to stop driving knowing that she would wake up as soon as we did.  Mat has been an amazing caregiver, I am so grateful for him!

More Excitement

I had a follow-up with the plastic surgeon today.  She said everything looks fantastic and she removed the drains (ouch)!  Merry Christmas to me!!!  Her biggest concern is that the fever persists and she (and noone else) can figure out why.  I left her office at 7400 S. and Highland at 11:15 and was instructed to go straight to the IHC Clinic in Bountiful for labs before they closed at noon.  As soon as I got done with that, my doctor's nurse was outside the door and instructed us to go straight to IMC Hospital in Murray for a CT scan.  OK, couldn't I have just gone to the lab at IMC for the labs?!?  Sheesh.  The CT scan was to look at my lungs and heart to make sure they were good.  They had to insert an IV to inject radioactive stuff so they could see what was going on.  I can no longer have IV's or blood draws from my left arm because I'm missing lymph nodes on the left side.  My right arm is always a problem, veins are always hard to find. After two radiology tech's tried IV's, digging for veins in my arm, they called a phlebotomist to come and do it. She was able to get the IV in.  Argh.  I was laying there on the table thinking, "I can't believe it's Christmas Eve and I'm here doing this instead of what we always do!"  Heart and lungs look great, so the question remains . . .  why do I still have a fever?

I got a call from my primary care doc tonight.  She said everything from the lab looks fine too, there doesn't appear to be a problem anywhere.  The only other thing she can think of is that I've picked up a virus and that is causing the fever.  The weird thing is that I don't have any of the other "typical" virus symptoms.  So, we are headed back to the hospital tomorrow so they can swab my nose and throat and check for a virus.  That seems like the only logical explanation to me, after all the tests I've done so far.  Won't it be funny if it is just a virus?  After the expense of a CT scan (which, by the way, is completely covered by insurance)?  Ha!  I told Mat when we came home this afternoon, "I wish they'd just find something wrong somewhere so they don't think I'm making it up or being a drama queen!"  I told my doc that, she said "I wouldn't call you at home on Christmas Eve if I thought you were making it up."  I have the best people possible on my team!  : )  Thanks to Esther, she watched all the kids today.  It was only supposed to take a couple of hours, but she was on duty all day.  THANKS Esther!

A Better Day

I'm beginning to see a pattern, shall we call it a rollercoaster?  Some days (yesterday, among others) are terrible, and others (like today) I feel upbeat, despite the incisions, pain, pills and fever!  I got to leave the house TWICE today!  Today is the first time I've been out of the house since the surgery and it felt terrific.

I have a good friend who is a therapist and I emailed her last night about yesterday's struggles.  She fit me in today and we had a great talk about focusing on faith, not fear and being grateful for my trials (among other things).  I felt so much better after I talked to her and resolved to be more patient and accepting of what is going on right now.  I didn't choose it, this is far from how I pictured ending 2009, but many blessings have come to us because of it.  When Mat came to pick me up, he had the baby and Brooklyn in the car.  I said, "She's so awesome!  She said 'even in this you can choose to focus on either fear or faith'."  Brooklyn said "I know what you are going to choose."  I said, "what?".  She said.  "Faith."  : )  She is a sweetheart, as you can see.  Thanks for your insights (you know who you are)!

After I got home, Esther and Beck came over for a visit.  They asked if I was up to going out again, ya!  So we went over to Neilsons Custard and shared some onion rings and talked for an hour.  It was awesome and we laughed a lot (which is getting easier for me, sneezing is now my biggest problem).  I'm proud of Beck, she's getting baptized in February.  It has been a long road for her and I'm really excited to go and support her in that!

I go for a check-up with the plastic surgeon tomorrow.  I'm praying that the drainage is low enough that I can have the drains (I have 3) removed.  I hear that's not very fun, but I'd rather have them "out" than "in" so I'll put up with a little additional pain.

Argh.

Today has been a struggle.  Reality is setting in.  It will be many months before things are "normal" again.  I'm not sure if we'll ever get back to "normal".  The thing I struggle with the most right now is watching other people take care of the kids, especially the baby.  It is the hardest thing I have had to do in decades to depend so much on people to do what I want desperately to do myself.  I can't even hold her, she wiggles to much!  It will take some time to come to terms with all of this.  I know it will only be through help from Heavenly Father that I can get there.  Please keep us all in your prayers!

I will need at least two more surgeries before I am through with this.  I'm struggling with losing the rest of my lymph nodes.  They only removed one last week where they found more cancer cells.  My left arm has been numb and weak ever since.  The nerves run through the muscle, nodes are underneath the muscle = nerve damage.  Sometimes I can't get my left hand to the keyboard without lifting it with my right hand.  When I shower or wash hands, I can't feel my thumb or the inside of my arm.  It's like going to the dentist for a cavity and never recovering the feeling in your mouth.  I DON'T want them cutting any more holes to remove more nodes!!!

I've been thinking what this will mean for my business.  I spend a lot of time on the computer and hauling plants around peoples yards.  I just can't do either one anymore.  How will I adapt come spring?  No idea.  Maybe it's time to just close up shop.  It'll be near impossible to reach our goals without a little help from me.  That may not seem like a big deal, under the circumstances, unless you've been in my house and seen my dysfunctional kitchen.  : )

As you can tell, I've had WAY too much time on my hands the last couple days.  I would love visits and phone calls to keep me distracted, please!  Even a ride would do me wonders.  THANKS!

more drugs, feeling better

My friend Wanda called tonight to make sure I was OK because I hadn't posted an update today.  Sorry I'm slow!  I am feeling a bit better today/tonight.  I could feel the fever back 7 hours after I took Ibuprofen this morning, so I called the pharmacy to see if there was a better fever reducer.  He said to just add Tylenol to the mix and that has helped tonight.  I take so many pills now, I had to write down a schedule for myself so I wouldn't get confused!  I did sound pretty gloomy yesterday, I felt pretty yucky!

A friend in our ward came this morning and picked up the 3 big kids to take them to play at her house, take them to a movie, lunch and back to her house to build gingerbread houses.  They were gone most of the day and had a fabulous time!  Thanks Alli!  Mat had to go do some bookkeeping for a client this morning, so Amy came over to care for the baby, and Holly came over to be with me.  I started taking a new antibiotic yesterday, a "general" one that will kill everything.  My doctors aren't sure where my infection might be hiding, this one should cover all the possibilities.  It makes me really loopy and light-headed, and I get to take it every 6 hours, so I didn't want to be alone.  Thanks guys!  Tonight Mat took the kids (baby went to grandma's) to This Is The Place for "Candlelight Christmas".  It is something we've planned on for a long time and I don't anyone sitting around being bored because I can't do anything, so I sent them without me.  They had a great time!  I am so glad we made the time for that.  Diana and Kari came to be with me so I wouldn't be alone.  I've known Diana since birth, so we all have a long history together.  We laughed so much, it was a hoot, just sitting around for 4 hours talking about everything possible.  Thanks guys!

I'm starting to go a little crazy, being stuck at home.  I love to have people come by and visit!  We've had lots of yummy treats delivered and even had two groups of carolers come by tonight!  And Eileen, my bread-making friend, brought over 4 fresh loaves!  Thanks to everyone who is keeping us well stocked.  If anyone out there needs a chocolate fix, I can set you up.  : )

I feel like crap today and really need your prayers!  I've had a fever every night at bedtime since I came home, but today it won't leave.  The incisions and the drains look fine and I'm already taking drugs for a UTI.  The surgeon said he thinks the little capillaries in my lungs are collapsed (which is normal for someone who's been through what I've been through, I'm not taking deep enough breaths to keep them open), which invites infection.  I had  "general" antibiotic called in today and I reacted badly to it about an hour after I took it.  Would feeling like you're about to pass out for an hour and a half be considered a bad reaction?  The doc says I need to keep taking it for the 7 days and that will go away in a day or two--here's to hoping!!!  In the meantime, I can't control the fever and I feel miserable.  My pain isn't too bad at this point, certainly it's still there, but not the major issue.  Will everyone please join with us in praying that the infection/fever can be controlled soon so I can focus on the rest of me healing?  THANK YOU!!!

I don't have much to write about today.  I have a bad headache that won't go away, I'm in pain, I'm light-headed from the Lortab I took earlier.  I've been trying to read and rest.  Mat's school had flowers delivered today, they are the best people!  A teacher lost her fight to breast cancer a few years ago, so this is emotional for all of them.  A neighbor brought over a gift certificate to Robintino's and told us they would tend (when I'm up to it).  The big kids are at my sisters, so the house has been quiet today.  It's been a good day, despite the obvious.

I just have to write this on here, because when I tell people in person I laugh out loud and it hurts so bad.  I've noticed since I came home that I have hair on my nipple patch, because they used belly skin to patch the hole.  It is so bizarre to look down and see hair!  Now you know and I don't have to tell anyone and risk pulling stitches in the process.  : )  I hope you are laughing out loud!

I'M BACK!!!

Hi everyone!  We had a fun reunion last night with the kids.  I was sitting on a chair in the living room.  Esther brought them home, and she just held the baby close so she could look at me.  I can't hold her, so I just smiled and talked to her and rubbed her hand.  I'm so grateful to be home and to get through my first night here.  My fever spiked to 103 after I got home last night, so I was pretty anxious.  I called a pharmacy to find out how much of what I could take.  I've never taken so many pills in one day in all my life!  Mat was alarmed to find me in bed this morning (instead of the recliner where he left me) without calling him. We have our cell phones at the sides of our beds, so he can be there to help me in an instant.  I'm not sure I'm even aware of when I moved, but I needed to change positions.  The fever is gone today and I feel pretty good as long as I don't move much.  Mat was shocked to see me trekking down the stairs just now so I could update the blog.  : )  I call it "therapy".  And it's good to have a destination, somewhere to go every day, even if it's just down to the office.

I can't even tell you how overwhelmed I felt walking in last night and see all the work that was done at my house in the last few days.  Paint, new bedding (homemade), a huge picture collage of the kids, etc.  I hesitate to mention names because I don't know that I'm aware of everyone.  But Kari deserves a medal for everything she coordinated and accomplished!  Thanks Kari, I love you!  Someone cleaned out the bathtub too, which has been needed for some time, so I'm grateful to whoever you are!  Diana brought over her mom's recliner so I'd have a comfortable place to hang out and sleep.  Her mom died a few months ago, and I loved her!  It's an honor to have it, and I'm very grateful for it.  I'll think of her whenever I'm in it.

The effects of surgery will be with me for a week or two.  They have to cut through muscle to get to the lymph nodes, so my left arm is weak and retaining water, which is painful.  The rest of the nodes will be removed January 8th, based on yesterday's lab results.  I understand I'll have issues with my arm for the rest of my life, but exercises and prevention of those problems will go a long way.  I have to say I was shocked the first time I looked at the reconstruction.  My initial thought was, "My goodness, I hope that's just swollen and will come down some".  I told the plastic surgeon "B" would be good, ya, it's bigger than that.  She told me she could liposuction some of the fat out if I wanted, but I bet I'll be used to it by the time reconstruction on the other side happens, and I'll just have her match it.  I've never had "cleavage" before.  : )

Our thanks and love for all of you!  Your prayers are felt and the miracles evident!  So many sweet gifts have been brought over or sent from far away places.  There will be no hungry people here for at least 2 weeks!  Thanks to Val for taking the 3 big kids for a sleep over tonight, and to Mary, who has the baby for a while so Mat can sleep, despite plans for a date with her husband.  We have the best support system in the world!  Oh, and by the way,  PLEASE call Mat to find out what help he needs in the next week or two.  When he tells you he's doing OK and he can handle it, tell him to cut the crap and give you a list!  I think the main thing will be distractions for the kids and some "baby free" time for him.  Love you all!

Home at Last with a little Lemon (from Mat)

We got Kim home tonight at around 7:00 pm.  LDS Hospital is great but all the checking in and buzzing IV's and noise was making it difficult to rest, so she was quite eager to get home.  She did want to mention 2 nurses that made the pain so much better:  Lauree and Vonnie were awesome despite the challenges of a very full hospital.  The doctor who was to release her was unable to come for quite a while because of other surgeries, but we were glad in that we had a good talk with her after our other doctor had to break some news to us.  He received the results of the lab on the lymph node taken out on Monday and though it looked cancer free in surgery, the lab revealed a few "micro metastasis".  I think we knew that this wouldn't all be over quickly but we had some shock at first.  We talked a little with him and then more with the plastic surgeon which helped us understand that her prognosis is good but that more treatment is certainly in store.  We'll let Kim do some healing, enjoy Christmas, and have more information come in before probably removing more lymph nodes and finding out what other treatment doctors recommend.

I brought her in the house and she was shocked and overjoyed at the bedroom makeover that her sister Kari organized, along with friends Cara, Diana and Marilee.  I haven't mentioned it until now in case Kim saw the blog before coming home but they primed and painted the upstairs room where Kim will be staying the next while, tied a quilt and bought new bed linen and began a photo wall decoration, all in 2 days.  It looks great and she loved it!

We'll hope to either get her down the stairs tomorrow or wire up an intenet connection for her so she can share more, but she is really grateful for how it has all started, for the miracles, and for your support.

Hospital Ups & Downs(from Mat)

Yesterday was of course rough for Kim recovering from the long surgery and grogginess and dealing with hospital life.  She longed for home and to be free of wires and vitals checks, and to take care of her kids.  Those feelings lasted until this morning (Wed Dec 16), especially after a relatively sleepless night.  But they allowed the catheter to come out and for Kim to take a shower, and when I arrived she was in street clothes and feeling much better.  She took a few naps and a few walks while I was there and was feeling good and upbeat.  I caused a great stir (heart attack for the nurses and a laugh for Kim) when I started looking at the various buttons and pulled down a lever with the word CODE on it.  Suddenly there were the sounds of running feet and alarms that apparently go through the whole hospital.  And there I was sheepishly saying I guess I shouldn't have touched that.  Apparently Code indicates death or emergency--not enough episodes of ER in my life.  Anyway, around 3 or 3:30 she 'kicked me out' saying "go be with the kids, I'm fine."  Well of course an hour or two after I left she felt a fever coming on.  It looks to be a "UTI" fever, relatively common when dealing with a catheter, so it hopefully won't affect her coming home tomorrow.  Kim wanted to tell about her great experience soon after the fever started though.

She had a Sister come in from the LDS branch that is organized for the hospital and ask if she needed anything, in particular a blessing.  Kim said no as I had just left and she felt good.  Then the fever started, the nurse wasn't able to answer her call right away (they are pretty swamped at the hospital this week) and so she called information to see if the branch folks were still available.  Information said they had left but that she would call them and leave her name and room number.  So she called me and I had taken the girls swimming and didn't get the message for a while.  While she waited for me an older couple came back to the hospital for Kim, which touched her very much that strangers would do that.  They came in and got to know about her surgery, family, and needs and Kim loved how carefully the brother found out all that and how carefully he learned and practiced her name.  Then the brother said "Let's see what Heavenly Father has planned for you" and gave her a blessing very slowly and carefully, obviously listening to the spirit.  Kim remembered blessings such as:  angels to fill the room and be with her tonight, having a full recovery because she has lots to do in life, that she would perceive that the Lord still has a mission for her and that her kids are a big part of that mission, that she would be able to understand the Atonement and gain strength through that to get through this trial, that her fever would break and that she would be able to go home, and that he pronounced blessings on me through her.  Although still running a temperature when I got there it was lower and she recounted going from shivering with fever chills before the blessing to feeling hot instead so I think the fever did break.  As I left tonight she was worn out but feeling better and more able to face her next night in the hospital.  Thanks to all for your comments, offers to help, and the prayers and support.

Under the knife!! (from Mat)

This was a long day but came out beautifully!  The surgeon came out to report to me about 75 minutes after they wheeled her out.  He stated that the mastectomy went as hoped and that the lymph node they also removed looked negative for cancer!  There are still lab results on the node and the original lump that we must receive before we officially celebrate that indication though.  But I got that initial good news to start the day and that carried me through the long wait.  The plastic surgeon then took over to reconstruct and that took an additional 7 or more hours.  Its a challenging job to find appropriate veins and link the tiny blood vessels together to feed the tissue taken from her abdomen for the reconstruction.  But that surgeon came out very pleased with how it turned out as well.  So Kim is now in Intensive Care for the night, being closely monitored for her circulation.  If all continues well, then she will move to a normal room tomorrow afternoon and be there until Thursday.  Thank you for all your support and prayers, they were definitely felt today and overwhelmingly effective!!

Thanks to Eileen Miners for the last minute early morning help, and to Kari and company for all the work and help today that will make a huge difference for Kim.
My other tender mercy today was sitting down to eat breakfast with the December Ensign and on the way to opening to another article finding one about a retired man caring for his ill wife.  It squared my shoulders up.  Read that if you haven't.  Thanks again to all for your prayers--she is groggy but the news is great!

Surgery Day

The kids made this sign for me and taped it on the wall in my "new" bedroom. They are so sweet!

I woke up at 4:15 this morning, but I don't need to leave until 6 a.m., so I am getting everything else done that I couldn't get to last night.  I was on the phone all afternoon and evening yesterday, talking to people that wanted to wish us well.  We are counting all of our blessings today, including all of you!  I was pretty uptight anticipating the surgery yesterday, but I feel calm and peaceful this morning.  I took an Ambien last night to help me sleep and I feel great today. 

I will have Mat keep the blog updated.  The next few days will be a new adventure, I've never done anything like this before!  I thank you all for your prayers and support.  My strength comes from Heavenly Father and from all of you.  We will get through this, and I will be running my half marathon on May 15th!  As my mom says, come "heck" or high water!!!  Oh, and you should come and join our team of 14 (so far) because it will be a BLAST!!  The more we have on the Boob Brigade, the better and more fun.  So, get registered!!!   http://www.getoutandlive.org/   Love you guys!

Rainbows Come AFTER the Storm

So, I've had my freak out moments the last couple of days.  I thought I was past that, but those moments keep coming!  I have never been in a position before where I needed so much help from other people.  It's really hard to "focus on me" and allow others to take over all the things I do for my family.  I'm really grateful for all of you, though, because you have strengthened me (and my family) so much through all of this!!!

I got a sweet e-mail from my old friend Tricia today.  I asked her if it was OK that I publish it here.  You'll know why after you read it.  She said:

"I just wanted to tell you about a dream I had last night . . .   I dreamed you were coming to the hospital for your surgery and walked into this huge auditorium, where there were THOUSANDS of people waiting for you. This huge auditorium was completely full. I was on the stage with a large group of people waiting for you also. You walked in and EVERYONE stood up and gave you a standing ovation. Every single person was wearing a pink ribbon for YOU. We clapped and clapped and clapped for you and your courage! Then we all sang a song for you and you were so amazed that so many people were "there for you." I forgot to tell you that when you came in, you were READY to take this thing on! You are a fighter and nothing was going to stop you!!"

When I've said that I am completely overwhelmed by all the love and support I've received, THAT is what it feels like, like I'm in the middle of a huge auditorium with thousands of people cheering and clapping and singing.  THAT is what your prayers have done for me.  THAT is why I feel so blessed.  THAT is why this will only be a bump in my road, and not the definition of who I am.  I have people all over the world praying for me.  You can't imagine until you go through your own trial what that feels like.  This "thing" in me has made me a better person, it has totally changed my perspective on life.  I intend, when this is all said and done, to pay it forward.  I will be more aware of the needs of others, I will be more willing to help and pray and tend and cook and hug and feel your pain.  I love you all!

I have to THANK Kari for coming (again) and spending hours at my house helping me get organized, hang pictures, etc.  She was a huge help to me yesterday.  Mom went out and got our lunch so we wouldn't have to stop working.  Also to Mel, Heather and Chris who took some time this week to take pictures of me and Mat.  THANKS!  You're the greatest!

I've had a good day today.  The baby slept until 9 a.m. (happens rarely), which is exactly what I needed her to do!  I had one more thing I wanted to do before surgery Monday.  Ever since we moved into our house, I've wanted a big, nice mirror to put over our fireplace mantel.  I've never located one I could afford that I liked, everything I liked was way more than I could spend.  So, this morning, I got on ksl.com and looked in the classifieds.  I searched for mirrors, and 24 pages back, I found the perfect one!  And it was only $35!  I called, she still had it, and I met this woman in Sandy to pick it up.  It is PERFECT!  $35!!!  I've been happy all day.  Of course, I went straight to Mat's school to pull him out of class so I could show it to him.  I'm going to paint the frame black to coordinate with other stuff in the house, but I couldn't be more happy about finding it.  : )  Sarah invited us over for lunch today, which was also fun.  She's such a great cook, thanks Sarah!

Isaac's birthday is next Wednesday, he'll be 9!  We took him out to Costa Vida tonight to celebrate, since I'll be in the hospital next week.  We had a great time, he was pretty excited!  The girls stayed home and had leftovers, Maddie is awesome!  She just rolls with it and is such a great help to us!

Just so you all know, I got an email today from the Ogden Marathon people.  They said that the Marathon and the Half Marathon are 70% full.  I told you it would fill up early, it's because it is a beautiful run/walk and it's "mostly" downhill!  So, if you're still debating and wondering if you can do it, GET REGISTERED!!!  (http://www.getoutandlive.org/)  It is going to be a blast, I can't wait!  I'm grateful to have something like that to look forward to and work toward.  : )  I know that almost half our our group so far will be walking most or all of the race, so YOU can do it!

Blog Poll

OK, guys.  I need some help.  Probably my biggest concern through all of this stuff is my kids, my little kids especially.  I thought early on that the best thing for them (especially the baby), to create as little trauma as possible for them, would be to have help come to me, instead of having the kids "passed around" to friends in the neighborhood.  My thought was that I still want to be as involved as I can be, but some things won't be possible, like carrying around the baby (which, it seems, is all she wants to do!).  What is the right thing to do?  Ask people to come to me, or count on the resiliency of children and let people care for them in their own homes?

Today has been hard.  Kari came again and helped a ton.  We cleaned out my room upstairs, moved the bed up, vacuumed everything, cleaned out the play room (don't tell kids: 2 full garbage bags left the house!), and vacuumed the basement.  My friend, Karen was here the whole time taking care of the little kids.  I'm grateful to both of them!  But it's hard to displace my kids from their rooms so I can have what I need (previous post).  I think of how the kids have to sacrifice through all of this too.  It's not the trial I mind, it's how my kids will be affected by it, and how much help I'll need from others to get them and me through it.  So, I've been a little emotional tonight.  I know we can get through it and am grateful for all of the help/love/prayers I've received.  THANK YOU!

More Waiting . . .

Not much to write about right now, I'm feeling relatively calm and am completely ready to get this over with!  We had more time for preparing today . . . I have to thank Holly for coming today to help with the baby so I could make some more progress!  She's amazing, she cleaned out my microwave!!  Who thinks to look in and clean out the microwave?  Holly, that's who.  We went through piles and piles of "stuff", she helped me to get rid of a bunch of it.  Thanks for helping me see that I'm never going to need these papers/copies/handouts I've been hanging onto for years!


http://www.halhigdon.com/halfmarathon/novice.htm
I just thought I'd put this link on here.  It is a half marathon training schedule I found that looks pretty good.  Let me know if you have any questions (not that I'm an expert, I've never run a half before either!)  By the way, we are up to about 13 people committed/registered for the race, my goal is 20!  So, if you haven't registered for the Ogden Half Marathon yet, do it!  http://www.getoutandlive.org/  By the way, 4 or 5 of those intend to walk most or all of the race.  Yes, you can do it!!  I'm dreaming up some ideas for awesome shirts for us all.  It will be a blast!

Thanks for checking up on me / us.  The love and support we have felt from everyone has been completely overwhelming, and we're very grateful for it!

The Waiting Game

This week is all about waiting and preparing.  We are re-arranging bedrooms, putting the little kids together, and the big kids back together (hopefully they will make getting to bed before midnight a habit--they love to chit chat into the night!!).  We are re-arranging to free up a bedroom upstairs so I can be close to the bathroom.  We just finished off two nice bedrooms downstairs.  The master is downstairs, a big nice room that I love!  But there's no bathroom in the basement.  So, for the foreseeable future, I will be upstairs on our spare twin bed. 

Kari came today and helped me accomplish a lot!  I realized I had a lot to do to prepare the house for an extended "neglect".  She helped me go through piles of clothes, move furniture around, shop for some things I need, etc.  She'll come again Wednesday and we'll hang my pictures that have been stacked in the living room for almost a year.  We painted a year ago (finally!) and it looks so good!  I've been too afraid to make holes in new paint, so she's pounding the nails for me.  : )   My friend, Holly is coming tomorrow to hold the baby so I can continue to make some progress.  I'm so grateful for my family and friends!

I am doing pretty good.  I'm over "crying" about it.  Believe me, I've cried plenty.  Now, I just want to get it done.  Bring it on, BABY!   I'll be happy when Monday is here and we can begin that part of the journey.

My HUGE thanks to my friend Esther that bought me an "early" chistmas present: a really nice, really soft pink bathrobe!  That made my day!

Up's and Down's

It is funny how I can be fine one day, and completely hysterical the next.  I just need to get this down so I can try to be OK today!  I got a huge binder filled with information from the Breast Care Coordinator at IMC in Murray.  I sat down last night and read quite a bit.  It explains that when a gene mutates and becomes cancer, it can take many months or years before the tumor gets to the point to where it can be felt by self exam.  So then the questions start coming.  I've been pretty tuned in to my breasts this year, with the baby, nursing a short time and then working to dry it up (nursing is a miserable experience for me).  By the end of July, the supply was down enough that I didn't need to pump anymore.  For another month, I could massage and express out the last little bits of milk.  So by the end of August, everything was completely normal, back to my usual flatness.  If this type of cancer grows slowly (which is what everyone is telling me), why then, in two months time did I go from feeling nothing unusual to feeling an almond?  Seems like, based on what I read last night, my bad boy is pretty darn fast.  So, now I worry.  The surgery is delayed until the 14th, and that's OK because I need the whole team present.  But I worry.  Please continue to keep me / us in your prayers.  Please pray that I can avoid irrational thoughts and that this cancer will be cured. 

We are going Christmas shopping today.  We talked to the kids a few months ago about using their Christmas money to redo their bedrooms because we still have the 1970 paint we inherited with the house.  That is too much to consider right now, so we'll just have a "normal" Christmas and paint in 6 or 7 months.  Brooklyn and Isaac have no problem finding things to buy, Maddie can't think of anything she wants to buy.  Today will be an adventure!

Needs List

One of my very wise friends suggested putting a list of things we need on the blog.  Dozens of people have called and offered to help with whatever we need.  So, it's in the right margin.

I need sweaters or warm shirts that button or zipper up the front.  I am wondering if anyone has some that I could borrow for about 2-3 weeks.

I'm going to have a lot of time on my hands and would like some suggestions for really good, uplifting DVD's that we can either rent or borrow.  We are so out of it when it comes to movies!

I am going to keep a log of everything I borrow, so I remember who gave me what and I can get it back to you.  THANKS!!!

I have two more friends committed for the Ogden Half in May, thanks Amanda and Natalie (no pressure)!  That makes 9!  I am so excited to have so many people already on the team.  I am dreaming up a design for pink shirts that we can wear.  If you are still sitting on the fence, GET REGISTERED!!  http://www.getoutandlive.org/  You really can do it, and you can walk it if you want/need to.  : )  This is something I've already posted, but it is a great article and the reason why I am harrassing all my friends and family about doing this race with me.  This articulates very well why I want to have a huge team--to show support for breast cancer survivors everywhere!
 http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=8847181

Today's been a funny day.  I was struggling this morning, which meant Brooklyn was too.  I was trying to get her ready for swimming lessons, the baby was crying, Brooklyn started crying, I started crying.  We managed to get to swimming and she was OK after that.  I found an empty hallway upstairs and called Mat during her lesson.  He has a way of making everything OK again.  He told me that I'd done remarkably well holding it together in front of the kids through all of this and said it is OK to lose it every once in a while.  It just helped to talk to him and gain strength from him.

There are a handful of people that haven't heard that surgery was changed from tomorrow to the 14th, so I've had some phone calls today.  It's been crazy the last couple of days and I just couldn't get to everyone.  I'm sorry to give you a little longer to worry about me!  I feel confident that I will come through all of this just fine, especially with love and support from all of you.  THANKS for your continued thoughts and prayers!  We/I can feel the difference it is making in our lives.

MRI

I need to update yesterday and today.  Yesterday I met with a Radiology Therapist, although I'm not sure why.  Because they are doing a mastectomy instead of a lumpectomy, I don't need radiation.  We did ask some questions though, so I was glad we saw him.  Noone has very many answers yet, because everything depends on what the pathology reports say after surgery.  I asked him if this kind of cancer went into remission or if it was curable, CURABLE!  Totally kickin' it in the butt!!!

I also had a consultation with the plastic surgeon.  I was given the option to do reconstruction later, or the day of the surgery.  Of course, I picked the day of surgery!  I just laughed when she asked me what size I want to be.  Really?  I get to choose?!?  Yes, I do.   : )   Because reconstruction is the same day, the surgery has been postponed until the 14th.  I thought it was strange that surgery was scheduled before talking to the plastic surgeon.  She sees patients on Friday, so it'll have to wait until she can be there too.  I got quite a response from friends on facebook about the tummy tuck!  I guess I should have explained a little better that I'm not getting it because I think it would be fun or trendy.  I'm getting it because they will use my belly fat to rebuild my breast and use belly skin to patch up the holes.  So, of course, they need to put it all back together, which means a tummy tuck!  See?  It all makes sense now.  The plastic surgeon is also a vascular surgeon, so she's not doing the traditional "flam" reconstruction, but something else (DIEP) where she'll reroute the veins to keep the tissue alive in my breast.  That way, the muscles in my abdomen will remain intact.  It's all very complicated and I don't need all the details. I just want it behind me!  She said that I'll be in the hospital for three days.  For two weeks after surgery, I can't stand upright, I have to be bent at the waist when I'm up walking around.  And I have to sleep with my head and knees propped up too.  That sounds like a blast . . . 

I went in this morning for the MRI.  I thought I was comfortable enough before they started, but after 40 minutes of not moving a muscle, everything ached!  My surgeon told me that unless the MRI showed a problem on the right side, he would just do the left.  Here's to hoping there's a problem on the right side!!  I DON'T want to do this again in a few years.  I guess I'll hear at the end of the week what they learned.  I'm going in tomorrow for a blood draw so the genetics people see if I'm BRCA (?) positive.  That's complicated too, but they'll basically see what my chances are for recurrence on the right side and for getting ovarian cancer (which I've learned is genetically very similar to breast cancer).  That information will also help my daughters a great deal as they get older.

We had a GREAT time tonight going out to dinner with some of Mat's teacher friends and their spouses.  I was grateful, despite the fact that they all know about the cancer, that noone said anything about it.  It was really nice to get out, laugh, have fun and forget for a couple of hours about everything that's going on.  Thanks Melissa, Pat and Cindy!  Maybe after I've lost all my hair, we could do it again?  : )

Where did the day go?

Today is Mat's 41st birthday!  Happy Birthday Punkin Head (our little joke)!  I love you!  This is our birthday season, Maddie was Nov. 25th, Isaac is December 16th.  I wish this "thing" wasn't overshadowing everything else.

I've been gone literally all day and night.  I'm tired and need to get to bed for an early morning MRI.   The most important thing you should know is that surgery is postponed until the 14th, because both doctors can't show up at the same time until then.  I thought this was going along a little too smoothly!  The rest I'll update tomorrow, I've got to get out of bed the same time I did when I was a missionary in Germany--before the crack of dawn!  Gute Nacht!

Just thought I'd post this AWESOME video the Church put out about being grateful . . . for everything, even the crappy stuff!

I was holding it together the best I could yesterday when we arrived at church.  We sat down and I looked up and saw Derek at the sacrament table with a pink ribbon pinned to his suit coat.  Then the tears came and stayed for the rest of the meeting!  He's the son of my friend Mary, who has done so much for me already.  He's been wearing it for two weeks since he heard my news.  WOW!

I've been OK today.  I always wake up in the morning feeling a little overwhelmed by it all, but then I'll have half a dozen people call and offer to help with anything we need.  Thanks Jessica, Karla, Paul, Alli, Theresa, Cathy, Connie and Mel--who is bringing me a present from Hawaii!! (that's just who called today)  We'll get through this because of the love and concern from all of you.

By the way, I now have 7 friends running the Ogden Half Marathon with me on May 15th!  I'm so excited!  Thanks to Esther, Marilee, Kari, Marisa, Glenda, Colleen and Holly!  Any other crazies (as Colleen calls us) out there?  I'd love to have an army of pink shirts!  You really can do it, I promise!  Register at http://www.getoutandlive.org/.  : )

Saturday's Roller Coaster

I've been pretty emotional today, I can't seem to kick it!  Mat's just gone to the Messiah Sing-In with his family and I'm hoping I can hold it together until he gets home.  Maddie and Isaac went with him, so I have the little kids here. 

We were able to go to the temple again this morning, thanks to Amy, an AWESOME young adult in our ward who tends for free when it is for the temple.  I so appreciate her and her willingness to help us out in this way!  I'm not sure there will be time to go again before surgery on Friday, so I'm very grateful for the opportunity today.  While there, we ran into our former bishop from the ward I loved so much (that was dissolved--previous post).  I feel supported where ever I go!

After that, I was able to go to lunch with an old friend Diana and her friend Jan, whose done breast cancer . . . twice.  She gave me tons of information and answered questions, which I appreciate because I have so many!  I've known Diana, literally, since birth.  Our parents were friends before we were born, and she was born just 5 days before me and my sister were born.  We lost each other for a while after we got married, but have reconnected which makes me HAPPY!  Diana, we can't ever get lost again, OK?

After I got home, I got the baby down for a nap and I managed to get one too.  Mat took the kids to the library so the house would be quiet.  Man, I love him.  How did I manage to get a husband like him?  He is my rock right now, I don't know what I'd do without him.  Our marriage will be stronger through all of this.  : )  Please keep us in your prayers!

More of Today's Blessings

Yesterday, I got a call from a good friend of mine, Eileen, asking me if I wanted to go to the temple with her.  I don't see Eileen very often because she moved to Kamas a few (couple?) years ago.  So, of course!  We met at the temple this morning and I felt so peaceful and calm there.  It was so nice to see her and to feel of her love and concern for me and the family.  Thanks Eileen!

I got to go to lunch today with my twin and a couple of friends from high school I haven't seen in at least 15 years.  It was so fun to get together and catch up!  We sat in our booth for 2 hours, I'm sure the waitress was ready for us to leave!  All three of them told me they'd run the Ogden half marathon with me on May 15th (see previous post).  YEAH!  I'm so excited (that's 4 running with me)!  We're definately going to make matching shirts, it should be a blast.  Thanks Kari, Marilee and Glenda (and Colleen)!  Any more takers?  You really can do it, there's plenty of time to train for it.  Ask me questions, I will help you!  I started running not that long ago and know how starting from "zero" is!  If you think you might do it, get registered soon!  They have a cap for the number of runners they'll allow and it always fills up fast.  http://www.getoutandlive.org/

I just have to say how grateful I am right now for all of the love and support I have from so many people!  And I'm grateful to feel Heavenly Fathers love through all of this.  The day before my mammogram, I told Mat that I did not have a strong enough spiritual foundation for a crisis of this magnitude.  You know what?  I've learned that we can leave Heavenly Father, but Heavenly Father never leaves us.  Even though my scripture study and everything else is sketchy at times, I know undeniably that he is carrying me right now.  I felt it very early on and have felt it ever since.  Read Mosiah 24:14-15 (previous post), that is what I am holding onto right now.

Today's Blessings

I had the good fortune to talk to a great friend last night.  We met a few years ago when our stake was being reorganized.  The ward I loved with all my heart was being dissolved and we ended up in the 1st ward.  Karen was called to be RS Pres. at that time, and the size of her heart and love for everyone was immediately evident.  Whenever I see her, at stake meetings, or in the grocery store, I always get a hug from her.  I called her last night to thank her for her love, concern and support.  We talked for 40 minutes and she helped me to realize what my real concerns are.  Yes, I am afraid, not so much of the surgery, but of the treatment that comes after.  At this point, I have no details about the duration, frequency, or strength of the chemo.  But I have been told that because of my age and circumstances, they will be aggressive.  My concern is not so much for me, because I know I can handle it.  My concern is for the kids, especially the baby.  I can't talk to her and explain what is going on.  I can't explain why I am too sick to hold her and love her.  I can't just turn on a video to pass the time.  Her needs are constant and her naps too short!  I know that things will work out, that we will have an army of helpers as we work our way through all of that.  Thanks Karen!  (more later)

Thanksgiving (from Mat)

A few nights ago we watched "Biggest Loser" and the contestants were facing going home without trainers, doctors and all the support they had at the show's ranch.  As one of their trainers asked them about it they all gave great upbeat answers about how they were excited to implement what they had learned, about how their lives were changed and that they weren't going to backslide.  Then the trainer said "That's exactly what I would want to hear, but..."  He questioned them about fears of going home and their emotions began to come out.  Would they really be able to sustain the changes when the majority of their life had been the other way?  Would the home environment hinder their progress, or be difficult to change? They weren't so sure.

It's interesting with this adversity surrounding us at Thanksgiving how I could relate to those people.  I love this holiday and tend to think it one of the most important of the year.  I am certain that cultivating gratitude and expressing it to God is a sure way to happiness.  But of course my focus today has been on the upcoming surgery and the care of Kim and the kids afterwards.  We didn't make our usual effort at considering blessings we enjoy.  I'm happy to report though that we didn't slip into bitterness considering the adversity either.  Kim and I are striving to keep things normal, especially for the kids and I think we succeeded today.   The three older kids and I enjoyed a bike ride while Kim and the baby napped.  Later on we gained strength from visits with both our families, who all made their support clearly evident.  Are we feeling gratitude this day?  More than we can express.  Are we scared?   You betcha, don't let me fool you.  There is alot of uncertainty for me now about how hard recovery will be for Kim, and about caring for her along with the kids, especially the baby.  How will I sustain work, especially with the musical starting?  I hope to be preparing myself for that in the next few days. But let me finally make my gratitude list today by saying that I am grateful for strength from God, family, for Kim's inner resolve, and for all of you friends and neighbors who support her.

The Day After . . .

I've had a myriad of emotions today!  I spent 3 1/2 hours on the phone this morning talking to friends and family, making appointments, and asking lots of questions.  The support and love I feel right now is overwhelming!  A huge THANKS to every one of you!  I am so grateful to have your love and support right now.  A lot of people have told me how strong I am through all of this.  Today, as I was talking to Wanda, an awesome friend I haven't seen in several years, a scripture came to mind.  Mosiah 24:14-15.

14- And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.
15- And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord."

Whoa.  Isn't that amazing?  That makes it clear to me what my responsibility is in all of this.

I have appointments on Tuesday with the Radiology Oncologist and the Plastic Surgeon.  Wednesday I go in for the MRI.  Friday is surgery.  I've decided that I'm going to cut off all my hair before it starts to fall out so I can donate it to Locks of Love (http://www.locksoflove.org/).  Someone should be able to put this gorgeous red hair to good use!!!

Here's my other thought today: I registered for the Ogden Half Marathon (13.1 miles, baby!) before all of this happened.  This will be my first half marathon.  I'm going to run it and send out an invitation to everyone reading this to run it with me.  Maybe we could make some cool t-shirts or something?  The thing is, this one fills up fast, so if you're going to do it, you've got to get registered quick!  It's all "downhill", from Huntsville down the Ogden Canyon and into Ogden.  So, any takers?  (http://www.getoutandlive.org/) If you need tips for how to get started, ask me!  I started from "nothing" and now I run a lot.  There is time from now until them to go from nothing to running.  : )  And it's OK to walk a little if you need to, I will be!  If I have to walk to entire 13 miles, I'll be doing this race!

Diagnosis!

This sounds crazy, but I am completely relieved to finally know what we are dealing with!  I have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.  I have to tell you all about todays "tender mercies".  My friend Sarah invited us over for lunch today.  Me and my two littles went to Layton and went to Cafe Rio with Sarah and her three littlest.  I was feeling pretty overwhelmed still waiting for a phone call, but it was really nice to get out and be distracted for a little while (first tender mercy).  Thanks Sarah!

We all had dentist appointments today, but I couldn't stand the thought of getting my teeth cleaned while feeling so miserable.  I took the kids and met Mat at the dentist, and then left to go home.  This was the first chance I had to be by myself all day, so I let the emotions come.  I pulled into a parking lot so my sunglasses could "unfog".  Then I said a prayer, asking Heavenly Father to please get me a diagnosis today, if at all possible!  Then, I headed for home.  The instant I opened the front door, I heard the answering machine beep (second tender mercy).  I checked the message, it was my doctor's office.  I called them back immediately, the nurse asked if I could come in to the office.  Yes!  I called my friend, Mary, to see if she could come with me since Mat wasn't home yet.  Thanks for dropping everything and coming with me, Mary!  The doctor came in to give me the news, and I was so relieved.  I think she was taken aback, she didn't expect me to be happy about having cancer, maybe?  But I knew that I couldn't do anything about this "thing" until I knew what it was.  Now that I know, I can get it taken care of.  She recommended a specific surgeon and said that he happened to be in today, and he was willing to see me . . . right now (third tender mercy)!

We went and met with the surgeon, he outlined the options, we decided on a mastectomy with reconstruction.  They will also remove some lymph nodes so they can test them for cancer cells.  Surgery will be a week from Friday, December 4th.  Early next week I'll get a MRI and meet with the plastic surgeon.  He said they are pretty aggressive with younger cancer patients, so I'll probably be doing chemo too, but that will be determined after the surgery and tissues are tested.  I've already come to grips with losing all my hair, whatever it takes to see my baby have babies!

So, I am relieved and happy.  Heavenly Father knows me and cares about me and has been watching over me through this entire process.  I'm totally kickin' cancer in the behind.

I'm completely overwhelmed today with the love and support I've been given the last few days!  I have the most amazing friends and family!  I told my friend Trish today that I've been freaking out a little because what if they call me tomorrow and tell me it is nothing?  What if they tell me I'm a drama queen and I need to get a life?  That would be embarrassing.  : )

My thanks to Debbie who came over today and spent a long time telling me about her experience and giving me a ton of printed information.  Thanks to my visiting teachers who came this morning to give me encouragement, support and lots of talk tapes to keep me busy!  Thanks to everyone for sending messages and posts, I truly have been overwhelmed and haven't had a chance to respond to everyone.  I get the results of the biopsy tomorrow some time and I'll post them so everyone is in the loop.  Whatever it is we're dealing with, I'll tackle it with every ounce of strength I have.  My hair may fall out, but I'll be OK.

Today is Sunday and the outpouring of love and support from friends and family has been truly overwhelming.  I am so grateful to live in this AWESOME neighborhood where we are surrounded by such great people.  Everyone is so willing to help, in whatever way they can.  THANKS to our families for their love and to all of our great friends and ward members as well.  I think I got at least 20 hugs today.  : )

We took time yesterday to go to the temple, which was such a boost.  Despite crying the entire time, I was able to feel the Spirit and know that Heavenly Father knows me and what we are going through right now.  I have no doubt He will guide us through this process.  The one impression that came so strongly was that I need to ask everyone to pray that this tumor/lump will not get any bigger or spread to my Lymph system.  That is the thing I can put my faith in, that it won't spread.  So, if you are reading this, please do that for me!

I have to thank Holly and Mary for letting me take them away from their families yesterday so I could talk and vent and cry.  I can't tell you how much you helped me!  I felt good enough last night to go to the gym and get in a run.  While I was there, I saw an old friend from A Cappella choir (U of U).  I don't see her very often, but I'm grateful I saw her last night.  She asked me how I was . . . so I told her!  She told me her sister-in-law, Corrine went through this last year, so I gave her my phone number.  At 9:45 p.m., Corrine called and talked to me for an hour about what happened to her, who her doctors were, how she handled her hair falling out, etc.  She even told me that when they reconstructed everything, they used her belly fat, so she got a tummy tuck out of the deal too!  SWEET!!  She was so encouraging and I was so grateful for her phone call.  Thanks Becky for always being so nice and reaching out to others!  And thanks to Corrine for being so willing to help out a perfect stranger!

I'm going to start making phone calls in the morning and I'll keep you posted on the details and progress.  Let's hope I don't have to wait too long before I can get in for surgery.  Thanks again for all your love and support!

unbelievable

We are in shock today!  Yesterday, November 20, 2009, I went in for a mammogram because I found a lump the end of October.  Honestly, I didn't think much of it, despite having a sister who had a double mastectomy less than one year ago.  When the radiologist saw it, he recommended we let him do a biopsy.  We won't know until Tuesday what we're dealing with, but he said from what he can see, the lump has the characteristics of breast cancer.

REALLY?!?  I'm only 39!  This stuff doesn't happen until you're in your 50's, like my sister.  We are in shock.  I go from complete numbness to complete hysteria.  I am feeling profound sadness!  How will my 4 kids understand this?  My older kids might get it, but my younger kids, ages 5 and 5 months?  Do they really need to go through this?  I am so grateful for Mat, I couldn't ask for better person to stand by my side through all of this.

I'm not sure yet what we are in for.  I am a FIGHTER and you'd better believe I'll see my baby get married and have her own babies.  I started this blog so I have a place where I can share our successes and frustrations, along with everything else that comes along.  Please remember us in your prayers, I have a feeling we're in for a wild ride!