It's really late, so I'll be brief!  I've had a fever and been really tired today, I've taken two naps.  I just couldn't shake it.  I'm a little anxious about going in tomorrow for treatment, knowing how I'll feel afterward.  I had Mat give me a blessing, that always helps.  He was able to come to the first two treatments, but not tomorrow.  Mary is going to drive me, which I appreciate so much!  Going by myself would be a complete drag (not to mention I probably shouldn't drive after they've given me all those drugs anyway).

I decided a while back to type up something to put up in my room that reminds me of what we have to look forward to after I'm done with treatments, tonight it's finally done.  I was spending too much time thinking about how hard this is (and it is, but I don't have to focus on that part!)  I was originally thinking a big, fabulous vacation somewhere would be appropriate.  Now I'm thinking that is too complicated.  Our plan is to spend some time at my sisters cabin down south, the Manti pageant, camping at Albion Basin, Raft for the Cure in Moab (http://www.raftforthecure.com/ - will be just me and Mat), and Survivors at the Summit (http://www.cancer-wellness.org/).  I'm still planning on the Ogden Half and Race for the Cure as well, but I won't be quite done at that point.  So, there you have it.  I'm looking past the yucky and focusing on the fun stuff after.  : )

We've had a couple of fun days!  A couple of months ago, our neighbors gave us a gift certificate to Robintino's and told us that when we were ready, they would watch the kids so we could go out.  We went last night and had a nice, relaxing time!  This is a good week to go because food tastes relatively normal right now.  After we ate, we went to Paradise Bakery to get a cookie, like we always do.  It doesn't matter where we eat, we always have dessert at Paradise!  Then we went to the gym.  : )   They took the kids out for bowling and pizza.  The kids were high as kites when they got home, they had so much fun.  Thanks Kevin and Linda for providing an awesome evening for all of us!

This morning I went to a stair climb.  I've been working with a trainer at the Rec Center for several years, she just helps me know what to do on the weights and really inspires me!  I heard about this fundraiser for the Lung Association just before I was diagnosed (climbing 23 flights of stairs with a bunch of other runners), but I decided it was too much, under the circumstances.  She found out that I wanted to do it, so she did it in my honor.  It was a really fun, really inspiring morning!  This year, they incorporated a costume contest as part of the race.  She decided she needed to win that, so here's what she came up with:

SHE-HULK!

She said it took her husband and kids 2 hours to paint her green!  Not only did she win the costume contest, she was the fastest female overall, running the 23 flights in 4 minutes 36 seconds!  She's an inspiration to me!  THANKS Rachel!

I feel really good today, the nausea is gone for now.  It has felt like a pretty normal day, for the most part.  My conscience is eating at me a little bit because we came home after lunch, the baby was asleep and I was tired.  I told Brooklyn I was going to lay down for a few minutes (which turned into an hour).  I asked her if she wanted to get some books or the art stuff out.  She didn't.  She just sat in the living room playing silently with baby toys.  I think she was afraid she would keep me up, so I'm feeling bad.  I should have turned on a movie or something.

Great Day!

I had so much fun today.  Just after I was diagnosed, my friend told me about a support group for young breast cancer survivors called Young Survivor Sisters (with a tagline: Where boobs are optional and support is guaranteed!)  LOVE IT!  It is a group started a few years ago by three young cancer survivors who found there wasn't a group specifically for younger women.  I went to a big dinner in January at Joseph Smith Memorial and met some great ladies!  We were given an opportunity to sign up to help with various things.  I signed up to help coordinate monthly lunches/outings for the group.  Today, I was lucky enough to meet three ladies in Salt Lake for lunch so we could talk about how to get it organized.  Jenifer, Whitney and Nora came and there was an instant bond!  What great ladies!  We talked for 1 1/2 hours and when I left I felt so uplifted.  It is amazing to me that a frightening diagnosis like this can bring people together, strangers with diverse backgrounds, that would never have an opportunity to meet otherwise.  I don't believe these things happen by chance.  I am so excited to get the lunches going and get to know more of the "sisters".  Thanks Jenifer, Whitney and Nora!  AWESOME!

I had the great opportunity to go out with an old friend, Colleen, tonight.  We met about 8 years ago after they moved into our neighborhood.  About 5 years ago, they moved to Riverside, so I haven't seen her for a long time!  Today is her birthday and she told her husband she wanted to come down and visit me for her birthday.  I had a great time, THANKS Colleen!  We went out to eat and talked for a long time about her family, schooling and passions.  Her passions are her family (of course), horses and writing books.  She's gone back to school, which I think is awesome!  Colleen, I had a great time tonight!  Thanks for coming to share your birthday with me!  Laughter heals.

When I got home, Mat and the kids were watching a Charlie Chaplin movie, the one where he does the dance with the potatoes.  They were laughing hysterically and having a great time!  About 10:00 tonight, Mat went to the store to get some milk.  When he went outside, it was snowing giant snowflakes!  The stinker went and got the kids out of bed so they could go out and try to catch snowflakes in their mouths.  Watching them, I had a huge grin on my face.  It is times like this that I count my many blessings!

I'll be brief tonight.  I've been at my moms, listening to a grave marker lady for 2 1/2 hours--I'm exhausted!  As a business person that goes into peoples homes to sell something, I've learned that if you can't sell it in the first 45 minutes, you aint gonna sell it!  We're going with a different company.

I've had a pretty good day today!  Mat took the day off so he could get caught up on some bookkeeping.  That meant he was here to get kids out the door and feed the baby (and I could sleep late!).  Yeah!  My sister Kari came up to hang out and help with stuff.  Diana!  I hope your migraine is gone!  I was able to get a few things done around here because the baby was happy.  Esther took the little kids so I could go to parent teacher conferences by myself (sigh . . . ), and I even made dinner!  It was just tomato soup that takes 10 minutes to throw together, but I did it!  And thanks to Laurie that has come at 5:00 the last 8 days to give me my shots!  There is just something about poking myself that I cannot handle.  I'm not sure Mat can handle it either, so we're grateful!

I am really achy tonight.  Something is going on with my bone marrow, so I'm going to go eat a little cereal (nightly ritual) and take a handful of pills.  Thanks for keeping track of me!  We are so grateful for all of you!

I was wondering what I should write today.  Mat suggested I tell you all how cool he is!  He is really cool!  He is my rock right now.  Honestly, I'm not sure I could do this without his love and support.  I am so grateful for him!  I love you Mat!!!

I went to church today and it wore me right out!  I came home completely exhausted and took a long nap.  I am amazed at what these chemicals do to me.  I am amazed that people have been surviving cancer for many decades having these chemicals pumped into their bodies!  Occasionally I feel overwhelmed by how rotten I feel, but I never wonder if it is all worth it.  By the time the baby turns one (end of June), I'll be finished with all of my treatments and beginning to feel great again.  I can't wait for that day to come.  : )  I have always tried to live life to the fullest.  I try not to wish away the not-so-fun stuff ("I'll be happy when . . ."), but this is one trial I'll be grateful to have behind me.  And may it stay that way FOREVER!!!

We invited our friends over for dinner tonight.  We had a big frozen lasagna and decided if we didn't get some help eating it, we'd be eating it all week!  It is always fun to have distractions from feeling yucky, so thanks for coming Singleys!  We went up and visited my mom tonight, for another distraction.  Tomorrow it will be one month since my dad died.  I think she's doing pretty well, under the circumstances.  I want to put together a book of all my dad's photos, the awesome talks from the funeral, his program, etc.  I think it would be great to have something that each family can have that has all that stuff in one place.  Besides, I need a project to keep me distracted, so maybe I'll start soon!

p.s.  I just figured out that I can only send my followers messages through the blog if I am a follower of the blog too.  That's why you see my picture among the others.  Sorry it took me so long to figure out, this technology stuff is way over my head!

First, I have to thank Amy for coming today so we could go to the temple.  She is always so willing, we're so grateful for her!  I had another rough night/morning, so we got off later than we planned but we still got there.  I'm not sure what to do about this sleep stuff.  Chemo is the most stressful thing I've ever done in my life!  I have a lot of anxiety about how I feel physically and my ability to take care of the little kids, even on the "off" weeks when I think I'll feel better.  The doctors are quite liberal about just taking pills to make sleep happen, but the nurses are much more conservative.  They don't want me dependent on a pill, and neither do I, but I really need to sleep well.  If you are reading this, will you pray that I can be guided to the best solution for me?

We decided to just hang out tonight and watch a movie.  I had Mat go get "Miracle" about the 1980 USA hockey team winning gold.  It is a great movie!  I have another fever tonight, 102.6, so Mat called the doctor and had another antibiotic called in.  I'm not sure why the fevers keep coming back.  I don't have a cough, congestion, sore throat, or anything else that might be obvious.  So, I'll add that to the stack of stuff I'm taking already.

5 days out . . .

Today has been a little better as far as nausea goes, but the emotions are right on the surface.  It's been a hard day that way.  I am still not sleeping well, even when I take something to help me get there.  I only get about 4 hours before I wake up and have to occupy myself for an hour or two before I can get back to sleep.  I've decided not to waste anymore pills, hopefully I can just "re-train" myself back to a decent sleep schedule!  Getting enough sleep will help me handle all the emotional stuff that comes along with what I / we are going through right now. 

We've had some great help today.  A friend from our last ward, Lori, came up today and took the kids for the morning.  They played at her house, she did a little shopping for me (THANKS!!), she fed them lunch, etc.  Thank you so much for doing that for me!  It meant I could lay down for a while in a quiet house and try to rest.  My mom came about lunch time and helped the rest of the afternoon.  She can't tote the baby around because her balance is bad, but she can hold her, love her, feed her, read to the kids and do all the "grandma" things.  She ate dinner with us and was able to get home before dark. We are also grateful for Sue, she brought us a yummy dinner tonight which was such a relief for me.  I'm not sure I could have faced fixing dinner today.  It is awesome having so many people around us that are willing to help out in whatever way they can.  Thanks!  We love you!

I feel a little better today than yesterday.  I haven't had to take any nausea meds today, which is a relief!  They make me so loopy and I can't drive after I've taken them.  My taste buds are wigging out again, so everything tastes funny.  I've had to try new beverages because the Crystal Light isn't cutting it this time.  Even chocolate milk is yucky!  I thought for sure that would work.  Oh well. 

My hair is falling out in earnest today.  I have several large white patches on my head where the hair is completely missing.  I had Mat get out some tape last night and pull out what he could, today I did more.  I expect in a few days I'll be completely free.  It's been a little depressing (like I said last night) but it also means that if the hair is gone, cancer is on its way out too!  I went to a class tonight offered by the Utah Cancer Foundation called "Look Good, Feel Better".  They provide make-up kits for people going through cancer and have a cosmetologist there showing us how to apply the make-up.  It's been decades since I wore foundation (concealer?  never heard of it!) and I've never worn lipstick.  It was fun to learn how to do it and I did feel better after I left.  There may be a bit more sadness when the eyebrows and eyelashes go, but for now I'll take advantage of what I have left!  Utah Cancer Foundation also provides free housecleaning for people going through chemo, YES, I'm on the list!

Thanks to today's helpers, Laura, McKenna, and Esther and her crew.  I am very grateful for you and the amazing help you give to me and the kids!  I took a nap before Laura left and didn't get to thank you for coming today, so THANKS!  Esther was here when I woke up.  We cleaned out the fridge and ate lunch and then she took the little kids to her house.  I also have to thank Laurie for coming again to give me my shots.  I get a shot for 8 days after each treatment, she is kind enough to come to me and do the "poke" so I don't have to.  You're all awesome!

The Hair

I don't know why I feel a little sad to have the stubble falling out when I shaved it all off two weeks ago, but I do.  I guess it means we are down to the serious business of killing cancer.  Sometimes it feels overwhelming, especially as treatment day gets closer and closer.  Two down, six to go.  July will be a great month for us!  I think we'll go on vacation!

I had another 4 a.m. wake time this morning, so I got up and did the laundry and puttered around until I was able to go back to sleep around 6:30.  Thankfully, the big kids got off to school without my help and the little kids slept until 9:00, so I felt OK today.  Natasha and her daughter came and spent the morning here.  That meant I could go to the Atonement class, although I left early to go home and take nausea medicine and lay down for a while.  Then my friend Marilee came and spent the rest of the afternoon helping out.  She brought her cute son Sam who takes a nap while he is here.  Today, he was distracted by stuff in the kids room, so she sat on the floor in the room and just watched him until he went to sleep.  She didn't have to say a word to him.  I thought that was brilliant!  He would poke his little head up to see if she was still there, and lay his head right back down.  Eventually, he went to sleep and stayed there for 3 hours.  : )  Way to go, Marilee!  Thanks to my neighbor Melissa who brought us an awesome dinner tonight!  It is a recipe I have but haven't made in a long time, it was so good!

Mat arranged clear back in August to have his choir sing the national anthem at the Grizzlies game tonight.  That meant he didn't come home until about 9:30 tonight.  I knew I wouldn't make it that many hours just two days after treatment, so I asked Mary and fam to cover the baby.  They are always so willing and I was so grateful for the help tonight!  I'm telling you, we are surrounded by the greatest people on earth!  Thanks to everyone that has helped us out this week!

I am feeling a little better today, but I've had to take nausea medication several times to try to keep it under control.  It's discouraging but I know in 2-3 days the nausea will get better (at least it did last time) and I won't have to take so many pills.  I have to keep a record of what I take and when I take it.  I can't keep it all straight without writing it all down.  I was thinking I would head to the gym tonight, but I'm not up to it.  Mat said he would come with me (I can't drive when I'm taking these drugs), but I quickly opted out.  Maybe tomorrow, probably tomorrow!  My sister Mel already told me I can come with her.  : )

I've had more great help today.  My neighbor Marilee came up this morning for a while.  She came before the big kids left and got the baby up, changed and fed so I could sleep.  I didn't get up until about 9:00 today, but I was awake for a couple of hours beginning around 4:00.  What is up with that?!?  Thankfully, last nights horrendous nausea was gone at that point.  I just got up and cleaned the kitchen and my room.  No sense laying there when there are things to be done!  Esther came, even though she wasn't on the schedule today, and got the little kids.  She is always so willing to help out if at all possible!  THANKS Esther!  Unplanned problems kept Kari and Diana from coming when planned.  Diana came late and we went up to go to lunch with Kari who was having a really bad day!  After we got home, I crashed and slept for about two hours.  The big kids came home and Esther brought the little kids home during that time.  I was completely unaware of it, I must have been sleeping well.  My thanks to Holly who brings home my kids on the days I can't drive!  She pulls double duty on those days.  I am so grateful for her on-going flexibility and willingness to help in that way.

I am so grateful for so many people who have helped us through this.  It really helps me to know that the kids are happy and thriving, even when I'm not at my best.  I have been completely amazed to see how people just do that one thing that they can, all of it inspired and exactly what we need.  Cancer has been miraculous in many ways.  I've learned volumes that I would never have been able to without it.  It's hard, but it's during those hard times that I have felt Heavenly Father carrying me and helping me through it.  For that, I am extremely grateful.

2nd treatment

"I know that I am held in the hands of God and that I
am perfectly and utterly safe, and so I am." 

I have to thank Melyn for telling me about this quote and then giving me a hand-painted copy it so I could have it up in my room all of the time.  Knowing this is important for me today.  Thanks Melyn!

I was feeling pretty uptight yesterday about having to go in today.  It's crazy to go in feeling awesome and come out feeling nauseated and dizzy.  I want to tell you about a dream I had this morning, I dreamed about my dad.  I won't explain all of the details of the dream, because they don't really matter.  But he was sleeping and we were there with him.  He roused and saw me, I rushed over to tell him that I loved him.  He said, "I love you too."  I don't believe it is a coincidence that I would have a dream like that on the morning of a treatment I was so worried about.  I also don't believe that it is a coincidence that I would have the dream right before I woke up this morning, so when I woke up it was the first thing on my mind.  After I pondered those things, I cried.

Everything about the treatment was fine, I go in feeling great, they knock me to the ground and I try to walk out.  I feel like crap tonight.  I am so nauseated.  I guess I just need to plan on popping nausea meds all day on treatment day.  Hopefully I will start to feel better tomorrow after I take my next Emend and the steroid.  The doctor gave me a new nausea medication today, it's active ingredient happens to be the active ingredient in marijuana.  So it's official.  I'm a druggie.  He called it medical marijuana.  I hate taking nausea medication, it makes me so dizzy and tired.  This too shall pass.

I have to thank John and Wendy for taking our kids all day today.  My appointment wasn't until 11:00, so they had us come over early and made us all breakfast, which was awesome.  Then sent us home with soup and breadsticks that we'll eat tomorrow.  You guys are awesome and the kids had a great time!  THANKS!  Our sweet neighbor Louise, who is probably in her 80's, brought in pizza tonight.  She told me yesterday at church that she doesn't cook, so she would just buy it for us.  She brought us Little Caesars, which we all love.  I survived college on Little Caesars, I have a lot of happy memories of pizza runs from the Institute. Thanks Louise!

We went to visit my mom tonight.  She just got back from a week in southern California with Mo (Nanette Kern, her best friend).  She got some desparately needed R and R.  She showed me the sketch that Mel did of my dad's tombstone.  It looks awesome!  I approve!  I took a Compazine before I left because I could tell the nausea was coming on.  I didn't anticipate needing to follow it up with more meds an hour later, that is why I feel so awful tonight.  So, I'm going to take more drugs which will knock me out for the night (I hope!).

I have been able to cover every "shift" this week except Wednesday from 1-5 p.m.  If there is anyone that is available and willing to come help out with the little kids for a while, will you please let me know?  I've left a couple of messages tonight with people, so it may be taken care of, but I won't know until tomorrow.  And honestly, I'm not sure I'll feel good enough to remember to make sure it's covered.  THANKS!

Valentines Day

I went to church for the first time as a bald person.  I tried on many different sweaters/tops/hats before settling on one.  It was a little nerve-wracking.  I ended up wearing the scarf that Corrine gave me, it is bright and cheerful, which is what I needed today.  Someone asked me how I tied it . . . "like a pirate, that's the only way I know how!"  For some reason, I find I'm much more comfortable in my ball caps when I go out in public.  I guess that's because that is what I would do normally.  But I figured that wasn't the best choice for church.  : )   It was the first time many people had seen me with no hair, so I got lots of hugs and encouragement today.  I've played a little bit with the wigs that have been given to me, but I need more practice (or confidence?).  I think when it warms up and I'm feeling sassy, I'll go out in public "shiny".  But not for a few more weeks, it's amazing how much heat you lose through your head!

We just had a sister move in to our ward that is going through the exact same thing I am.  Her surgery was one week after mine, she got her port one week after me, and her first chemo treatment was 5 days after mine.  She came to church today with her hair cropped short and wearing a nice blue hat.  She took it off for a few minutes and she had zig-zagged lines on the back of her head.  I thought that was awesome!!!  Why not?  It will all fall out soon anyway.  Everyone keep Regena in your prayers as well. 

I am a little uptight about my treatment tomorrow because I know what the next 4-5 days will be like.  Ugh.

Gearing Up

I've had a better week this week.  The first part of the week was pretty emotional for me.  I arranged for help with the kids, not knowing what the week would be like.  I was feeling pretty guilty asking people to come, but now it seems that the week after "chemo week" will be doable.  I'm still pretty fatigued and often take a nap during the day, but the rest of it is managable.  I can even drink tap water again!  I'm so grateful for everyone that has helped us out in one way or another.  There have been dozens, I don't even know how many, that have made this process doable for us!  THANKS to all of you!

I don't have a lot to report today.  I went to the gym twice today.  My sister asked if I wanted to go this morning and all I felt like doing was jogging.  But today is a weight day, so I went back tonight to do the weights.  Mat, Brooklyn and the baby came too, Brooklyn loves to run on the track with her dad!  She is so funny!  We watched Biggest Loser this week.  One of the Trainer Tips right before a commercial was to do standing lunges all the way through the commercial break.  She did them for the rest of the show!  Since then, I've see her doing random lunges, I guess whenever she thinks of it, she just wants to do them.  I had some exercises from the physical therapist for my arm (getting my range of motion back in my surgery arm), she'd be right down there on the floor, watching me carefully and doing them with me.  She's so cute.

I need a new look today (you're in the right place!)

Not much to report today.  It's late and we need to put it away for the day.  I'll try to have something interesting to say tomorrow.  Deal?  : )

YEAH!!!

I am so stinking excited tonight!  A while ago, I heard about the Image Reborn Foundation.  They have weekend retreats up in Park City for breast cancer survivors.  I tried to register for one early this year, but they were all full.  I've been checking their website like a maniac for more retreat dates and saw that they have a few more scheduled now.  I registered again, and I got in!!!  June 25-27th, it's a retreat for young survivors.  People come from all over the country to attend.  : )  It is all free for us, the program is funded through private donations.  Man, am I excited!

The other thing I'm really excited about is finding the Cancer Wellness House in Salt Lake.  It is a non-profit organization that provides support groups for kids, teens, caregivers and patients.  I went and met with a social worker today and I think we'll all get involved with that.  They also have massage therapy, Reiki (whatever that is, I guess I'll learn) Therapy, yoga classes, and other stuff.  Those programs are also free to us.  They have a fundraiser each year called "Survivors at the Summit".  It's on August 14th.  It's a 3 1/2 mile hike from Snowbird up to a summit.  They have a program at the top of the mountain after everyone has had a chance to get there.  I'm totally doing it (along with a few others).  ANYONE that wants to do it should do it with us!  They even have a tram to take you up if the climb is a problem.  So, go to http://www.cancer-wellness.org/ for more information and plan on doing it with me!  Of course, the other thing we have to do is Race for the Cure, which I believe is May 8th this year.  It is in Salt Lake and is so inspiring and uplifting and amazing.  I've done it before, but it's been a few years and I didn't have a personal reason to want to support the Komen Foundation, but I do now!  So, ANYONE that wants to do that, check it out at http://www.komenslc.org/.  It's just a 5K, only 3.1 miles.  THOUSANDS of people do the race (like 15-20,000) and it is so awesome.  Most people walk it, I may be doing that this year, not sure where I'll be in my treatments at that point.  I know I won't be quite finished yet, so

My friend, Krista, came this morning and helped out with the kids.  Brooklyn is always slow to warm up to people, but once she gets going, you're friends for good.  About 10 o'clock I ran down to Winegars to get some baby food and Cheerios (McKinley popped her first tooth!).  After I got back, I was so exhausted I laid down and slept for an hour.  ???   I didn't even make it to lunch before I needed a nap!  She brought sugar cookie dough, frosting and sprinkles and they made cookies together.  Brooklyn was in heaven!  You know how, as a mom, you have ideas like that, but they are sometimes hard to implement?  I was very grateful for Krista's help today.  Also, thanks to Esther, my friend who has already earned "sainthood" in my opinion.  She took the kids this afternoon so I could go to the Cancer Wellness House, get Mat's car taken care of ("you mean, we should have anti-freeze in there?") and go to see my physical therapist.  My surgery arm is all better!!!

Here's a quick post about what happened today.  I took an Ativan tonight, so I'm relaxed and ready for bed!

I went to the Atonement class we have going on in our ward this morning.  Today we talked about Trials / Adversities and Hope.  I felt like the elephant in the room!  Annette asked each one of us to be thinking of a difficult trial we or someone else has had, and the blessings that have come from it.  It got me thinking back to the first time in my life when I really felt that Heavenly Father knew who I was.  1989-90 were really hard years for me, a lot was going on, my dad became paralyzed, I was trying desperately to figure out who I was.  I needed some direction and strength FAST, and I got it.  I remember vividly what a struggle that was for me at 19.  I also really knew for the first time in my life that Heavenly Father loved me.  I've had other struggles since then that have just worked to refine me more and more, so that I can manage the stuggle I have today.  Annette compared adversities to dumb bells or free weights.  When you work your muscles with a 5 pound weight, the muscle gets torn down and needs a day to repair itself, but it is stronger than when you started.  Gradually, you work up to heavier weights, the muscle gets torn down, repairs itself with a day of rest, and it gets stronger and stronger.  That is kind-of how I've seen my life up to this point.  Things have happened along the way that have made me the person I am today.  I'm a little stronger, a little more in tune to the Spirit, and a little more reliant on God than I was in 1989.  I've learned a lot about myself and Heavenly Father in the last two months.  For that, I am grateful. 

Cara came today and helped out with the kids.  I am grateful for her willingness to come!  It meant I could go to the class this morning and also go volunteer at the kids school.  She has to drive a long way, THANKS for helping out!!

Mom's cookin' again!

I turned on the stove to prepare dinner for the first time in who knows how long.  And then . . . within a minute or two the smoke alarm went off.  That's how you know I'm back in the kitchen.  I just wanted to warm up one of those pull-out-of-the-freezer, warm-it-up-type dinners someone brought to us!  There was something on the burner, I promise, the dinner turned out fine.  : )  But there is a little joke in our family about mom and the smoke detector.

I've had a pretty good day today!  I'm exhausted and I should have taken a nap, but Diana and Kari were here and we get carried away with conversation and laughter.  We went out for lunch while my van was getting fixed and then drove around so I could accomplish a couple of things.  I find myself looking at everyone around me when I'm out, for two reasons.  First, one of my "fears" is that I will see someone I know, someone that I would normally stop and talk to, but they won't recognize me without my hair.  And second, after you get a diagnosis like this, you hear about so many more people who have cancer too, or someone knows someone that was just diagnosed.  So, I look around to see if I'm the only one without hair or if there really are tons of bald people out there.  I have no problem with my baldness.  If it wasn't so cold outside, I'd go out with no hat.  It is amazing how your hair keeps the rest of you warm!

I'm heading to the gym tonight, it's a cardio day, and after what I ate for lunch, I need some cardio!  I'll watch Biggest Loser, even though I'm two episodes behind.  Mat is awesome about either coming with me and jogging with the baby in the stroller, or just letting me go on my own.  I think he sees it is about my mental health right now.  Too much sitting around at home makes me really depressed!  That is another reason I love to have so many people coming to help us, because I get conversation and less time to sit and think and wonder and worry.  So, THANKS for loving us and helping us through this!

A better day . . .

Yesterday was pretty hard, but I decided not to go there and be funny instead.  Fever, fatigue, nausea . . . all the normal stuff.  I needed to get out last night, so I went up to Kari's and she pulled out a chocolate satin pie she had in the freezer.  Then, with two forks in hand, we locked ourselves (literally) in her bedroom.  Need I say more?  Just for the record, we didn't eat the whole pie!

Today has been a good day, normal stuff aside (see above).  Two Marilee's helped us out today.  My neighbor came and got the kids this morning for a while.  That meant that I could go down my list and see what I could accomplish, what phone calls to make, etc.  That wore me right out and I was ready for a nap.  My friend Marilee came and helped with kids and laundry for the rest of the afternoon.  She was excited to tell me about going to Time Out for Women this weekend and some of the things she heard there.  Wish I could have gone!  Sounds like a new family tradition to me!  I was able to make another phone call that has been on my list for a while, to the Cancer Wellness House.  They are a non-profit that provides "play therapy" to kids and teens that have a loved one going through cancer.  Isn't that cool?  We're going in on Thursday for an intake.  I'm so excited!  I've seen some signs of stress in the big kids, but they are cool and don't want to talk about it.  And then, I took a nap!!  Thanks to both of you for helping out today.  We are so grateful for the awesome people around us!

WE GOT HEART-ATTACKED TODAY!

Someone came this afternoon and left us decorated cupcakes and taped hearts on our front door and windows.  Everyone was here but Mat, Maddie was in the living room!  Noone saw a thing.  Brooklyn came downstairs to me, holding the plate of cupcakes behind her back, and said, "Mom, do you know who taped all the hearts to our door?"  Of course, I was confused and then saw what she was hiding from me.  THANKS to whoever did that for us!  I love to have the kids see others in action, so they think to do for others as well.

I went to the gym tonight and did my weights.  Every muscle in my body is screaming at me!  Man, I'm ready for bed.  I love to go and just do my normal stuff because that is what makes all of this bearable.  I just need to keep going and doing the things I always do.  That way, when people look at me like I don't have any hair, I just look right back at them like they don't either.  : )  LOL

Isn't it funny?

Isn't it funny how, after you've been married a long time, you begin to resemble each other?!?

Today has been a hard day.  I didn't sleep well again, despite taking Ambien last night, so I've been quite uptight and stressed out.  My body aches and I have a dull headache that doesn't want to go away.  To top it off, I had a fever this afternoon.  That, of course, is really bad because my immune system is shot right now.  Mat has been on the phone with my doctor a couple of times today, asking about how much nausea medication to take so I can sleep (love Ativan!) and about the fever.  She called in an antibiotic that I can start taking.  Oh, the joys . . . .

Tonight was our ward temple night, but I just couldn't bring myself to go.  I knew that with a session full of people that love us, I'd bawl the entire time.  We went to dinner at Thyme and Seasons and got my comfort food, Chicken Curry.  I have to add a fair amount of salt and his red hot pepper sauce so I can taste it, but it is so good!  After that, I went to the gym with my sister Mel.  She is training for the same half marathon I am.  It is fun to see her get excited when she can go a little faster and a little farther!  I can't run right now, I just don't have the energy.  I've always sworn that I would follow through and do this half, I may have to walk the entire thing.  And maybe that's an optimistic assumption, that I could even walk that far?  I don't know.  In the meantime, I'm going to prepare for it as if it will happen.  I always feel better after I've been to the gym, it helps to make things seem as "normal" as possible.  Here's to a better day tomorrow!!!

Miracles

I woke up really early this morning, unable to sleep.  I picked up a book that was recommended by my cousin, Emily, that was written by her sister-in-law.  It is called Hard Times and Holy Places by Kristin Warner Belcher.  I was able to find it at our library, and it has really helped me to solidify and clarify and understand why and how we go through things that are hard.  The book is amazing, but one quote stuck out to me in the pre-dawn hours this morning: 

• "Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously.  When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more.  He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit.  To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain."  ("Trust in the Lord", Ensign, November 1995, pg. 16)

When I started this journey, I was confused, distressed, a little bit angry and had to ask myself  "WHY!", Why right now?  Why cancer?  Why me?  Now, I can look back and thank God for the journey.  We have witnessed so many miracles and received so many blessings.  I felt in my heart early on that everything would be OK, that I just needed to have faith and trust that God would take care of the details.  I have seen things fall into place, I have watched as countless people, our families and so many old and new friends, have come into our home and blessed our lives.  I was so worried about the kids and how I would manage the little ones, especially the baby, with everything else going on.  Our sincere thanks to so many people who have come in and cleaned everything in sight, ironed clothes I've neglected for months, washed floors/countertops/mirrors/windows, swept and vacuumed floors, loved the kids, cooked so many meals, and been miraculous in so many other ways!  Today's angels were Laura, McKenna, Diane, Mary and Kaeley.  My perspective is forever changed because of the great people we've had around us.

I made a really hard phone call today.  I called my friend, Gail (who is technically my "boss") at TriCity Nursery, to tell her that I need to give up my business this year.  I'm a landscape designer and TriCity has been really good to me the last couple of years, allowing me to be their "designer" and funneling a lot of business to me.  When this diagnosis came, I knew in my heart that I needed to shift my focus to recovering, my family, and my home.  But as a business person, that was a hard conclusion to come to!  But I know that my energy needs to be focused on other things right now.  She assured me that when the time is right, I can come back and be the designer again.  : )  Thanks to everyone at TriCity for their love and support!

I got a visit tonight from one of my favorite missionary companions, Wanda.  She lives in Tridell (outside of Vernal) so I don't get to see her very often.  She is one of those friends that you can go forever without seeing, and then when you eventually catch up with each other, it's like you never lost touch!  We went out for something to eat and talked for a really long time.  The poor employees at Paradise Bakery were sweeping the crumbs under our feet and locking the doors long before we left!  She brought me a bag filled with cereal and snacks, head scarves and hats, warm fuzzy socks and other fun stuff.  She just has this way of bringing everything into perspective and making everything seem doable.  I love you, Wanda!  Thanks for taking time out of your weekend to come see me!

Taste buds on the way out!

This morning as I was eating my cereal, I could tell that it tasted different.  I've eaten cereal everyday for breakfast since the beginning of time!  Today, it tasted funny.  I need to eat about every 3 hours to keep the nausea under control, and I need to drink tons of water, but today it is tasteless and flat.  I felt really down when I was eating dinner and everything was "off".  I guess there's no point in eating the yummy stuff that's bad for me when I can't taste it anyway. It is really depressing.

Thanks to Esther who took the kids for a while this morning.  I am so grateful for her help and the kids love to go there, they do very well there.  It gave me a chance to go through piles of stuff and get organized.  I was feeling pretty down this morning and had a hard time getting started, but I managed to get through it all.  Thanks Esther!  My friend Tricia came this afternoon and spent the rest of the day here.  That meant I could go run all my errands, including sending off three large envelopes for Locks of Love at the post office!  I stopped at Dick's to pick up some Crystal Light, among other things, to see if flavoring the water will make it taste better to me.  I unknowingly picked the right line to go through.  The lady was very nice, but hesitant for a moment, then she asked me how I was doing.  I told her I just had my first treatment and was doing OK, under the circumstances.  : )   She told me she's done it twice, and then I saw the pink ribbon pinned to her uniform.  After I paid, she came and gave me a big hug and I started to cry.  It is amazing how supportive and caring people are, even perfect strangers.

Mat and I are headed to the gym tonight.  I'm not sure I'm up to my routine, but it will be nice to get out and feel as normal as possible.

Day 3

I've felt about the same today as yesterday, "doable" nausea, fatigue, and bone aches.  As long as I eat every 3 hours, the nausea is managable.  The problem I have is what to eat every three hours because nothing sounds good.  I'm done with crackers, cheese sticks and toast.  If anyone has any good ideas for something I can get that is fast, portable and not too sweet, I'd love some ideas!  I went to the gym tonight and pushed too hard, so I feel really awful right now.  I tried to run yesterday and today, but when I get my heart rate up, it feels like my heart will beat right out of my chest.  It is so discouraging because that kind of intensity is what really keeps me sane.  I like pushing myself, but if I have a heart attack, it's probably not worth it.  : )   One of the side effects of the Adriamycin is heart problems, so I guess I'll back off.  ARGH!!!

I had some great helpers today.  Natasha brought her daughter and she played with the Brooklyn so cute!  Natasha did the laundry, among other things, which I am so grateful for!  I was able to go to the Atonement class we have in our ward on Wednesdays, it is always excellent and I am grateful when I can make it (thanks Annette!).  I got a visit this afternoon from my friend Renee. We met a couple of weeks ago at a dinner for the Young Survivor Sisters, a support group for breast cancer survivors diagnosed under the age of 45. She has the same beautiful hair color as me, and she gave me her custom-made wig which is layered and looks an awful lot like my hair did a few days ago. THANKS Renee!  Amy came this afternoon and stayed so I could go to school and do RadKIDS with the 3rd graders and drive the kids home after school.  I was so exhausted after I came home, I took a two hour nap.  Thanks Amy for being willing to come and help out!  Also, thanks to our friend Cari brought over an awesome dinner tonight.  We've had so much food brought in since this adventure began, I am so grateful to all of you!  I'm not even sure I know who all of you are, but we count you among our blessings!  And one more person to thank today, Laurie.  She is the daughter of a great couple in our ward, and she happens to be trained in medical assisting.  She is coming everyday at 11:30 to give me my Neupogen shots (gives my bone marrow a boost, helps the blood counts recover quickly).  I am grateful that I don't have to do that myself!  I've seen enough needles and felt enough pokes the last two months that I have no desire to inflict that pain on myself!  So, we are very grateful today to have so much love and support coming our way!  I see the tender mercies everyday and we are changed forever by them.  We love you!

A Better Day . . .

First of all, thanks to Esther for finishing the blog last night.  I was so tired and literally was sitting in the chair next to her going to sleep.  : )   It was the dang nausea medicine that did it to me, I'm not usually a zombie by 10:30 at night.  I've felt better today than I did yesterday.  I called the nurse this morning to tell her what happened yesterday.  She told me that the younger you are, the more nausea receptors you have.  So she called in a steroid that has made today bearable.  I had some great helpers today, I am so grateful to everyone that is willing to come and spend some time with me and the kids!  Marilee came and spent the morning here playing with the kids, chasing the baby and cleaning up the kitchen.  You're awesome!!  THANKS!  Heather picked me up to take me to get a prescription that I had to take at 10:00 this morning.  I can't drive this week, the nausea med's cause drowsiness and I don't dare get behind the wheel.  After I took my pills, I laid down on the couch to watch the kids play and the next thing I know, I've gone to sleep.  Marilee got a blanket to lay over the top of me and took the kids in their room to play with toys.  I think I've got the greatest neighbors on the planet!

Diana came around lunchtime and spent the rest of the day with us.  She's a dear friend that I've known forever.  We just laugh and joke and have a great time!  It is always fun to have her here.  Diana, sorry Brooklyn pestered you so much today.  Will you come back again sometime?  : )  I laid down again just as she was leaving, with the same result as above.

The Laurels in our ward came to do a service project here tonight.  They all came to tend, prepare dinner for the kids, play games, read books, etc.  The idea was that we would go to the temple, but I thought it might be better for me if I'm off these med's that make me sleep before we attempt that.  So, we went out to eat, did a little shopping and then went to the gym to work out.  I don't know why I like to torture myself like that, but I do.  I always feel better after I go, tonight was no exception!

Treatment begins . . .

Mat took the day off to be with me during the treatment, and then Mary and Kaylee came to bring my camera because I was a dingbat and forgot to bring it with me.  Thanks guys!  This is an historical moment and it needed to be documented.  Had my first treatment today.  I figured it would knock me down and make me be humble.  I was right.  I wasn't supposed to feel yucky for a day or two, but I feel like crap ('scuse the french).  I am totally exhaused, nauseasted and my bones are aching.  It's the chemo infiltrating every part of my body.  This will be way funner than I thought (sarcasm).  Please keep praying for me and my family!!!

My friend Esther came to help with the hair party, so she'll explain what happened:
You're probably wondering why Kim has asked me to explain what happened and the answer is she is completely exhausted in every way and even now seems to be falling asleep.  But she MUST update the blog, right?  So here it goes....We started by putting her hair into pony tails all over her head so that the hair to be donated to locks of love would be long enough.  The kids took turns cutting a pony tail each and then everyone else got a turn.  Isaac was having a blast!  Kim was such a trooper and only shed a couple of tears.  After the pony tails were off it was Amanda's turn to get the buzzers out.  Kim's head is BEAUTIFUL!  But were we done?  Oh no, then the electric shaver came out to put the finishing touches on and smooth everything out.  Her friend Sarah came and donated 12 inches of hair to Locks of Love and got a new hair cut.  After that we made Kim try on all of her hats (she has some very cute ones).  She even considered going to the gym (only Kim would even attempt to think of that) but after the festivities she barely had the energy to make it down the stairs and type the first paragraph that you see above.

Benefits of Having No Hair
- no bed head
- no loose strands
- all the money I'll save on haircuts
- no dandruff
- no more shampoo and conditioner
- saving so much time in the shower!
- no more bad hair days (can't have a bad hair day if you don't       have any hair!)
- The hairs that turn up in dinner, they don't belong to me!
- no more tangles or snarls
- it's not my hair clogging the shower drain
- when I find hairballs I know they're not mine

- it is liberating!

- McKinley doesn't have anything to pull

Well, Kim is O-ficially snoozing so I'm going to go tuck her in!