Cut me some slack!

In the wee hours of the 26th, I took my bedtime pills and almost immediately an intense pain popped up on my right side, just under my ribs.  I thought maybe I didn't drink enough water with my pills and they got stuck or something.  I drank a lot more, that didn't help.  I made a piece of toast thinking that surely that would push them down.  It didn't help.  I also got diarrhea right after that ... and it was bright green.  I knew something was weird.  I figured it was either a kidney stone or a gall stone. I lay in pain on my bed debating what I should do. The last thing I wanted to do was wake Mat up and drag him to Emergency.  Ultimately, that's what we did.

The fear I had was that I would get there, the pain would go away, and they would think I was crazy and paranoid. Which I am. That's what happened.  The pain was intense for about 3 ½ hours and then subsided.  They did an ultrasound and could see junk in my gall bladder, kind of "pre" stones I guess.  I explained to the nurse and the ER doc what else is going on with me, the cancer and a blood clot in my lung a mere 2 weeks ago.  And now this!  I was feeling picked on a little bit ... c'mon! Cut me some slack!  I told the ER doc I didn't expect them to do anything, but that I would let my team at Huntsman know and let them decide what to do.  I have another ultrasound scheduled at Huntsman on Monday, then I think things will get resolved pretty quickly.  I'm almost sure they will remove it soon.  I understand gall bladder removal is only a small thing these days, two small incisions and they scope it out.

Best Team Possible

I had a bittersweet meeting with Dr. Prystas on Friday.  She wasn't overly concerned about the blood clot because I started the blood thinner so everything will be fine.  I heard a couple of weeks ago that she was retiring, so this was my last meeting with her.  I didn't go into the appointment feeling overly nostalgic, my mind has been so wrapped up in the blood clot!  She did the normal exam, then helped me sit up. We both got a little teary and I thanked her for doing so much for everything she had done for me over the years.  It's been 10 years since I was first diagnosed. I knew that picking an oncologist would be the most important thing I could do.  She was the 4th oncologist I met with and "interviewed."  I knew I had found the right one.

It was Dr. Buys who told me about Dr. Prystas' retirement.  She's the oncologist over the Metastatic breast cancer support group I go to every month.  I knew immediately who I wanted to replace Dr. Prystas!  A couple years ago Forbes Magazine named Dr. Buys as one of the top 25 physicians in the country.  From our interactions in our group, the compassion she shows to everyone in the group, whether or not we are her patients, ... She is amazing!  I couldn't be in better hands.

Potential Hazard Averted

I finally got the results from last nights CT scan about 1:00 today.  I got a voicemail this morning from the doctor covering for my oncologist this week.  She says "I want to check in with you, please give us a call.  It's kind of important but nothing serious so don't panic."  SERIOUSLY?!?  She leaves me a message like that--and then tells me not to panic?!  Well, that's what I did all morning.  It was after 1:00 when I finally got results.  I tracked down Dr. Prystas' nurse who got the information for me and released the reports so I could see them.

I've had a pain in my back and side for about 2 weeks.  I was so afraid the cancer had spread to my bones (ribs) because it hurts when I breathe.  This is what the report says:  Acute pulmonary embolism is present. Emboli are confined to subsegmental arteries of the right lower lobe. No CT findings of right heart strain.

 I'm relieved to know that my cancer isn't growing again. It freaks me out just a little that a pulmonary embolism can be fatal, and I have one!  Metastatic cancer is among the risk factors I have.  I'll get more information when I see Dr. Prystas on Friday.

Thank you for your love, support, prayers and concern!  We love you!

Prayers Needed

This is a terrible time of day to begin a blog post (1:10 a.m.), but I have a lot on my mind and I need to get it out.

The last 10 months have been a breeze (except fatigue).  If you didn't know me, you would never know I had terminal cancer!  Since I passed my 2 year anniversary from diagnosis in September, I've had a really hard time.  Not because I feel rotten physically, but because I'm still fighting a battle in my head.  It is very difficult accepting that where I am right now is not even close to where I wanted my life to be at this moment, and I have little control of the outcome.  I say "little" because the only control I can have is mentally and spiritually.

I was reminded this week that Ibrance (the study drug) is effective at holding cancer back, on average, for 2 years.  I'm in my 24th monthly cycle right now.  That doesn't mean it's going to stop working tomorrow.  It just means that for most women, about 2 years is what they get with Ibrance.  How long will it work for me?  I have no idea,

I had my group at Huntsman this week and had an opportunity to vent and laugh and hug the women there.  I was a few minutes late and walked through the door with a big flourish and said, "OK!  The party can start now!" I've been thinking about the amazing women I've known through all of this.  Some have it way worse than me.  I've seen more than my share from our group pass away.  But they've done it with grace and gratitude and love.  They are/were roll models for me.  I don't want to be grumpy and sad.  I want to feel optimistic, hopeful and be at peace with my life.

I saw this at the Festival of Trees, I'm sorry
I don't know who the artist is, but I LOVE it!

The thing I stress about most is being in pain.  I don't want to be in pain!  But that kinda comes with cancer.  I have my scan on the 18th.  This one is a nail biter for me, because I do have pain in my spine and ribs on my left side.  I hope it's nothing.  I hope it's all in my imagination and I'm stressing for nothing.  I need prayers to get me through this one, friends.  Please pray that I can stay strong and have faith!

Long time ...

I haven't written in a while, I didn't think I had anything noteworthy going on.  It's been a pretty average month!  Nothing has changed with my health, I feel great most of the time!  I asked my doctor for a prescription of Ritalin because I was so dang tired all the time.  That has really helped a lot!  I feel like I can set out in the morning to get a few things done and get most of it done. Last time I picked up the prescription, I thought how ironic it was that I have to show my drivers license for the drug that keeps me awake during the day, AND for the drug that puts me to sleep at night.  😂

I got a text from the PTA at the junior high asking if I saw an email from them about the Student of the Month breakfast.  It had gone to my junk folder, I'm glad she texted me!  Brooklyn was nominated by one of her teachers this month, so me and Mat went to the breakfast.  Her teacher praised her for being a great kid, being kind to others, etc. etc.

She really is a terrific kid.  She keeps us on the straight and narrow.  She gets super annoyed with us when we watch TV.  The piano and the TV are both in the living room, and a puppy chewed the headphones we had.  So if we're watching TV, she can't play the piano.  I really love how she's just picked up the piano on her own.  She did have lessons as a younger kid for a short time.  About a year ago, she sat down and started practicing/playing simplified hymns, and she's just progressed from there.  I asked her if she wanted to start lessons again. She declined because she "doesn't like it when people tell her what to do" and she doesn't want to do recitals.  So funny!

I got my hair cut super short, it was a little shocking but I'm getting used to it.  I got tired of having a patch of frizz on the left side of my head, the wavy wings on the back of my head, and the wave in my bangs that didn't want to be managed.  Honestly, all I've ever wanted was perfectly wavy hair.  But it grows SO slow and I couldn't stand it any longer.  You can see the left side of my head, the hair sticks out because it is still frizzy.  It looks like bed head on that side.  😁  Anyway, it will evolve as it grows out a little.

My friend Tammy saved me when she suggested we rearrange the furniture in our living room.  The room is an awkward space because we lost some of it when we extended the kitchen.  We always had the dang love seat on the far side of the room because that's where it landed after we moved in.  There was another way to do it, and it feels so much better now!  She found (I bought) a couple of chairs to put in front of the windows, and when the Christmas tree is gone, we'll find a little table to put between the chairs.  We're going to mount the TV and I need to rearrange artwork, but SO. MUCH. BETTER.


Here is my Christmas tree.  I have so much fun decorating the tree!  It is MY tree, I designed it, and every ornament was hand picked by me.  I learned so much about designing and putting together a Christmas tree working in Floral Services a few years ago.  If we ever finish the basement, the kids will have a tree in the family room down there.

My next scan is December 18th.  I have no reason to think the results will change but my anxiety levels definitely go up the week or two before.  I noticed on my palbocyclib (the study drug) record that I am in my 24th cycle on the study.  I'm SO grateful I got on the study (because 50% of patients who met the requirements for it, didn't get it).  I might have always wondered if the study drug could have made a difference.  This way, I know we are doing absolutely everything we can, with every resource we have available to us, to fight this dreadful disease that I hate. The acupuncture and the therapy sessions help too.  I have an amazing team at Huntsman!



I found this quote at Hobby Lobby this week, and I really love it! You never know what the people around you are going through.  I think if we can do these four things, we can be a blessing to those around us.  Everyone fights a hard battle!  A dear friend of mine just lost her 22 year old son to suicide.  Another friend is dealing with a child who is abusing drugs and running amuck.  Another friend is dealing with a family members pornography problem.  Another friend has a daughter struggling with anorexia.  I have a friend (younger than me) who has dealt with chronic pain from arthritis most of her adult life.  I have a friend with a child who is disabled.  My cousin is dealing with her own serious breast cancer battle.  There is anxiety, illness, depression, loneliness, isolation, addiction all around us.  Sometimes I feel overwhelmed about how to say prayers for people when I have so many people I love that I'm concerned about!  Sometimes I just say, "Heavenly Father, you know who I am worrying about - please bless them all with the things they need to get through their trials!" And I hope He is OK with that because sometimes that is the best I can do.  Sometimes I try to carry my own burden by myself. I fool myself into thinking that I can somehow control the outcome, that I know better than God does. I don't. This is what me and my family need, to learn whatever it is we are supposed to learn.  Cancer has changed me.  I'm more aware of how I use my time, I'm more tuned in to how Mat and the kids are processing all of this.  I've learned to set boundaries.  I had to let go of people that pulled me down emotionally and spiritually. I've seen so much charity offered on our behalf. I don't regret cancer for a minute.  It's hard! But hard things make us strong.

A few weeks ago, Mat said that every Sunday he wanted to have a "hard" conversation.  He wants to be able to talk about the things we need to take care of, get arranged, plan out. We've talked about my life insurance and what I want him to do with it. First and foremost, I want him to take an ENTIRE year off work. Second, I want him to pay off the house as much as he can. When you're healthy, you don't think you'll ever need life insurance.  I'm sure glad we found Dave Ramsey in 2008 and bought us both policies!  I got my first cancer diagnosis in 2009.  I would never have been approved if I had already been diagnosed.  I wish my policy was double or triple what it is (hindsight 20-20), but Mat can do a lot with the amount I do have.  We've talked about purchasing two cemetery plots in Bountiful City Cemetery.  They are actually cheaper than I thought, but I haven't read the fine print yet. There is a lot to think about, and that's as far as we are right now.  But Sunday we'll take on a new topic and slowly get things figured out. I'm a bit of a control freak and like to think through and take control of all the details (like writing my own obituary), and leave the family with as little to worry about as possible.  Anyway, lots of work to do still and I have a whole list of "Legacy Projects" I have to finish before I go -- so I may just live forever!

I need to thank so many people for doing what you've done to help make all of this easier on us.  From messages of encouragement on FB to bringing dinner every Thursday for well over a year (you know who you are!) to lunches and dinners out, to spontaneous visits, to watching the dog so we can go out of town . . . we've been blessed in so many ways.  WE LOVE YOU ALL!

Family Update/Busy Times

We had a Camp Kesem reunion on Saturday, I can always count on seeing these friends!  Our kids have benefited so much from these summer camps.  They have been going since 2010, it's been life changing for all of us!  Thanks Valee and Kristine for being stalwart attenders of all things Kesem!

A few nights ago when Maddie was coming home late, a black cat ran out into the road about a mile from home and she hit him (I'm making assumptions that he was a he!). In her panic and compassion, she stopped to see what she could do.  He was in rough shape, she tried to call both her parents who were zonked out by that point.  The cat didn't have a collar, so no contact information to help out.  So she googled and found a 24 hour emergency vet in Layton, and then drove this poor cat up there and stayed with him for a while.  The vet fixed him up the (broken leg and other injuries) and said they would check for a microchip when the cat was more stable.  If the owners can't be found, he will end up at the shelter.  I'm so proud of her.  She did the right thing taking him to get fixed up.  In a case like this, there is no charge for the person that brings in a wounded pet.  Thank heavens!  I was really proud of the way she handled all of this!  She's a great young woman!

One of the days this week, can't remember which one, I was driving home from what felt like a crazy day of errands, random things.  I saw someone walking down the street that looked a heck of a lot like Isaac, and it was!  He was walking to work, so I picked him up and drove him down.  He works at the Starbucks by Smiths. He has "calmed down" a lot over the last year.  Therapy did wonders for him, he was able to work out whatever was eating him alive so things are better at our house.  I told him I might as well come eat lunch, so I asked him what was good, and he showed me what he likes the best.  So that's what I got!  It was fun to sit with my lunch and watch him doing his thing. He's in his element down there and he does a good job.

Bentley is so cute and getting so big!
He's a golden doodle.  His talents are selective
listening and chasing after other pets in the
neighborhood.  He is also a 60 pound lap dog
who loves the family and even shows concern
for Pyper, the new puppy.

Brooklyn had her well check this morning.  It's a pleasure to go to the doctor and say, when the doctor asks, "Do you have any concerns?" and I say, "I don't worry one bit about this one!"  I talked to Dr. G about feeling like it might be good to take her to counseling every couple of weeks like I have McKinley.  When the doctor came out after their private conversation, she gave me the nod, like, "It would be a good idea to have her talk out some worries."  We start Friday, meeting with the worlds most amazing social worker, Annie at Huntsman.  Brooklyn loves school (this is junior high, guys!), she's seems to be thriving with friends and wants to do good things.  On Wednesday night, she got annoyed with her parents because we were watching Chicago PD, our guilty pleasure.  She wanted to read scriptures, say prayers and get to bed early. So she did, but we went down (at 10:00 after the show was over - because parents aren't always perfect).  We apologized for not being better with scriptures and prayer, but on Wednesday night, we would be distracted until 10:00 ... so be OK with it.  Is that terrible?!

McKinley is full of energy and enthusiasm for life!  She makes up silly songs or phrases, and sings them over and over and over again.  She begins planning her birthday right after she's had one and talks about Halloween costumes all year.  She is tender-hearted and willing to share hugs and kisses all the time.  She says she doesn't like school, but she is sure anxious to get there everyday!  She's gone to see Annie the social worker at Huntsman twice, it's been really good for her.  She's learning that tears are OK!  I'm learning the resources I have access to at Huntsman are a Godsend!  Sometimes I don't need to know all the right questions or answers.  I just need the right people on my team.

Mat is the typical crazy busy at school. When the beginning of December rolls around, I say "See you on the 23rd!" and reality isn't far off that.  He was just called as the Stake Music Chair, which is fantastic because of the 3 times a year he has a lot to do, 2 of those times he is also super busy with school stuff!  But he's always got a smile on his face and a great attitude. As for me?  I'm grateful when May rolls around.

This is Pyper.  She is a little Havanese that I'v'e wanted for so long!
Not her specifically, just one from the breed. She was supposed to
come house trained but she was not.We're finally getting the upper
hand on accidents, we only allow her in certain part of the
house - where there is no carpet!

I've been feeling some anxiety lately.  If you didn't already know I had cancer, you would never look at me and know I did.  I'm so grateful for this "honeymoon" period because I feel closer to "normal" than I have in two years.  Reality is that no one can guess when tumors will start growing again.  I pray it will be a good long time because I have a lot to get done between now and then!  I've been feeling really overwhelmed with all the stuff that comes up that takes so much time.  I'm not working right now, just doing normal Mom stuff.  My brain is so foggy, I have a really hard time remembering things, even when they are on my calendar.  I asked to be released from my calling because it was just one more thing I had to keep straight in my head.  And I've requested that I don't get another one.  Maybe I shouldn't admit that, but it's too much!  Too much!!!  There's too much heavy stuff just under the surface around here, and I've got to be "present" with my family every minute.  I can't take anything for granted, and I have to make the most of every day I have.

I have to be honest.  I would do just about anything for anyone, sometimes to my own detriment! A lot of you will remember my friend Michelle.  I've been heavily involved in her life the last 10-12 years.  I've taken care of her, watched out for her, gone on vacation with her, driven thousands miles for her, taken her for lunch or dinner a million times, I have loved her, we have laughed and cried, and moved her half a dozen times. We've had a lot of happy times together, since way back in 1989.  I care about her and worry about her a lot!  But that is all changing, she has thrown me under the bus for the last time.  It's a LONG story and I won't go into it here because frankly, I'd like to just forget it all.  That is one less thing I have to spend emotional energy on, so that is good and I wish her the very best.

Update (to clarify, Annie the acupuncturist and Annie the Social Worker are different people):
I went to Huntsman for acupuncture today and came out feeling so much lighter!  Annie is as good a therapist as anyone I've ever gone to.  She made an analogy of someone waterskiing, being dragged behind the ski boat, but the driver of the boat doesn't know you're there.  So he's doing driving erratically, doing donuts, speeding around, they are going wild with their driving while I'm getting smashed and beaten and thrown around.  So my job is to acknowledge the "crazy" and let go of the dang rope, to save myself.  Essentially, that's what I've had to do this week with Michelle.  Let go of the rope.  Annie said that people will come into her life to fill in the gap, so I should just make space and let that happen.

There have been a handful of people that I've had to let go of over the years because of craziness (theirs, not mine!--or maybe it was mine).  My mental health (especially right now!) is of utmost importanace.  I've got no emotional space for people who drag me down.  It can be a hard lesson to learn.  We are taught to love, to serve, have compassion, and to be patient and understanding, blah, blah, blah.  That's kind of what it means to be a Christian, right?  But it can't be at the expense of mental and emotional health.

Chinese Medicine

I feel so great right now! Since I started taking the Ritalin in the morning, I can get through the day and even make dinner sometimes.  People ask me often if I'm in remission.  Unfortunately there is no true remission for my kind of cancer.  I will be on chemo the rest of my blessed life.  I have no way of knowing if this honeymoon period will last weeks or months or years.  I had a friend that survived 17 years with stage 4 breast cancer (little quality of life the last 4 or 5 years).  I also have friends who only make it 2 or 3.  That's why I try not to take one day for granted.  I try to complete something every day (usually into the wee hours of the morning!) that gets me closer to completing my Legacy projects.  Right now, I'm working on my 2014 book.  That was one of the toughest years of my life, and I didn't take a lot of pictures.  That was our first full year in Riverton.  That was when my Mom fell and broke her femur.  That is when she had to go into rehab and assisted living.  That is when we sold our parents home.  That is when it got "the ultimate of ugly" amongst most of my siblings.  Dividing her earthly possessions was ... interesting, the method and justification was SO wrong. Enough of that! 2014 will be one of the shorter books.

This isn't me.  I've never had toes
that looked like that!  But this is what it looks like.

I go up to Huntsman every couple of weeks for acupuncture.  I have NO idea how it works, but I come out of there feeling so relaxed and refreshed. I'm a big fan! My acupuncturist is the greatest.  She has a doctorate in Chinese medicine and acupuncture, she knows pretty much everything.  When I come in she will ask me what I want to focus on. Today I told her sleep issues and anxiety about sleep issues.  I usually have needles in the top of my head, my wrists and hands, and my ankles and feet - like the picture.

So we talked for a good long while about what Chinese medicine says about sleep and anxiety.  She said Americans have it so wrong! (My words not hers!)  We rush, rush, rush from here to there, we are glued to our phones or other screens, we try to do everything and don't accomplish much of anything.  We are stressed out to the max, we are short tempered and impatient (again, my words!).  I'm totally paraphrasing.  I told her when she came back in to remove the needles that I lay there during the session thinking about how I wished I had recorded our conversation because it was so profound.

We talked about how great our generation had it as kids.  We went outside all day and played in the fields and with the neighbor kids.  My family had a "party line" so to make a phone call, we had to pick up the receiver to see if someone else was on it.  We had 2 acres of land, a huge vegetable garden, a handful of dogs, an occasional pony and rabbits we raised in the barn.  My dad was going to get rich selling the pelts.  I watched more than my share of rabbits losing their lives in a quick, efficient manner.

The thing that really stuck out to me was she said that in reality, we need only 3 things.  Breath, Food, and Sleep. And if we put equal amounts of effort into each one, we would be much healthier.  She's not talking about the shallow, fast breathing we tend to do naturally.  She's talking about deep, slow breaths to help you relax and focus.  She's talking about healthy food, avoid the junk! She's talking about using the hour before bed for meditation and prayer to clear your mind and help you sleep better.  It's all so logical but it's all so foreign to us!  There were so many other great things she said, but that was my take home.  In other words, I've forgotten everything else.  But it was good.

My heart is breaking tonight for my cousin I mentioned.  She had her PET scan today.  She is shocked, emotional, frightened, just trying to absorb everything.  I hate that other people have to go through what we've been through!  CANCER SUCKS!

Puppies

I haven't updated in a long time, there hasn't been a ton to write about!  I spend my days driving carpool, working in my yard or the one yard I still do through my business, taking care of the dogs (yes, dogs, plural - I'll explain), trudging through dinner duties. I'm at Huntsman often, between infusions, acupuncture, therapy, shots, my group, etc.  My last scan showed no evidence of disease.  That's my 4th scan in a row showing no evidence.  Pretty cool!  But it's bittersweet.  My cousin in Arizona has been messaging me this week because she was just diagnosed with my same disease, Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.  She is in the terrifying beginning stages, she has a PET scan on Tuesday.  She already has MS and epilepsy.  Honestly, can't a girl catch a break?!

I had chemo today. My 30 minute infusion took an excruciating 3 ½ hours.  My port was plugged again.  They have to be able to put saline in and draw blood out before they can run the poison in through the port.  Sometimes the end will get plugged up with a tiny bit of tissue or whatever.  They inject something called TPA to try to dissolve whatever is blocking it, then you wait a half hour.  Today, it was still plugged after a half hour, so I had to wait another half hour.  While I waited the 2nd half hour, I was texting my friend Belinda in Spokane.  She is an amazing, faithful woman who said she would pray "right now" that it would unclog.  I know her well enough to know that she did pray for me right then, and it worked.  Shortly after that, there was blood coming back.  Belinda, You are Amazing!

Because the port has to be working before they can even order chemo from the pharmacy, I had another long wait for the chemo to even come.  It was such a long day, I came home and crashed while Mat made cream of wheat for dinner. We joked about it being lumpy.  It was home cooking and satisfying.

My niece Jessica asked me a few weeks ago if I would come and talk for their Relief Society activity.  She asked me to talk about Legacy, because that's been a big deal for me.  It's one of the early things I worried so much about - if I had to leave my family prematurely, then what could I do now to make sure future generations know as much as possible about me.

In a nutshell:

• I'm going to write Legacy Essays on topics such as honesty, integrity, work ethic, education, having hope, charity, faith, optimism, the Atonement (what it means to me and what it can mean for you), etc. etc. 
• I started writing my personal history, not chronologically necessarily, but in clumps, things about me that I think my grandkids would want to know.
• scrapbooking has always been important to me.  Prior to 2004, nothing of ours is digital.  I'm taking apart those big, heavy Creative Memories books to digitize, prioritize and simplify what I have.  I'm building books in Shutterfly online.  When it is all digital, that will be one more back-up of precious family memories.
• I'm going to make Legacy videos that I can upload to Family Search, so my people can see me and hear me talking about important things.  I have my first one done already, me and Mat talking about my childhood.
• I want to make digital scrapbooks with stories from some of our ancestors.  I have a friend that works at Family Search.  She showed me a book once she had made for her nieces and nephews. It was a compilation of stories and pictures about their pioneer ancestors.  It was so cool!  Which family members served missions in the early church?  Who was the first to join the church on each line?  Who sailed across the ocean to come to America, where did they settle?  What ship were they on?

I went to a class at RootTech last year.  A guy who works for Family Search said this:

• Share your memories with your kids.  Studies show that knowledge of family stories can help kids better manage stress.  Other studies show that those affected by trauma can find healing through family storytelling. 
• Children who know their family stories have a higher degree of self-confidence.
• Strong family narratives are the number one predictor of a child’s emotional well being.

We were never going to have a dog.  Now we have two!  We got Bentley a few months ago from friends of ours. He is a great dog, has been relatively easy to train, he doesn't run off anymore, he listens/minds sometimes.  :)  He basically fell into our laps!  We weren't expecting on getting a dog, not a big one!

I learned about the Havanese breed years ago.  The more I researched the more I liked!  Hypoallergenic, low maintenance lap dogs, no shedding, not yappy, etc.  I was pretty much in love.  When I first talking to Mat about it in February, he was shocked - because we weren't doing a dog again!  But we talked about how a little creature might be just the thing the kids need, to have a little creature to love and help them through what could be coming.  This week, this little Havanese fell into our laps.  She's a little older as far as puppies go, 15 to 16 weeks, so she's a little unsure about where to do her business (her birth home had a dog door, we don't have a dog door) and she had 10 other little friends to play and sleep with.  So sleeping by herself, in a kennel has been a transition. Reading her cues about potty is hard for us.  So many times we've taken her out because it seemed like it was time, she'll do nothing outside and come back in and do it in our bedroom.  So there are some quirky things about her, but she is so sweet and loves everyone.  She's doing good with recognizing her name (Pyper).  And Bentley is adjusting, slowly.  They'll be chums soon!  He's pretty funny about making sure HE gets more love and affection than SHE does.  We're doing our best, we don't want him to feel like he's been replaced.  It's an adventure, I tell ya!  but I don't regret it one bit. 

German Mission Reunion

...  Thousands ...

I had the most amazing opportunity tonight.  A few weeks ago, my German friend Karin told me about a meeting for all missionaries who served in Germany at any time.  Elder Bednar would be the speaker.  At the time she told me, it was 2 or 3 weeks in the future, and I determined to just see what was going on when the time came.  The nail in that coffin was I didn't put it in my calendar.  When I heard from Wanda that she was coming from Tridell, we arranged to go together and meet up with Karin and Daryl there.

Also known as Hark, All Ye Nations

What I wasn't anticipating was one of the most profound spiritual feasts I've had in a long time.  I was so grateful I was there!  My friend Karin went straight from work and was able to get seats in the center section on the 5th row.  It was at the institute on the West Jordan campus.

The room was filled with electricity, everyone there was in some way connected to preaching the Gospel in the land I love so much, and I'm surrounded by literally thousands of people that felt the same way I did.  There were 2 chapels and two full sized gyms filled to more than capacity, as people stood around the edges the entire meeting as well.

Elder Bednar gave such a great talk, which I'll sum up in a few major points.  He talked about all the changes that have happened, the "new" policies, the witness thing, ministering, missionaries being able to call home once a week, etc.  People around here talk about how so much has changed in recent months.  He assured us that the things that have happened have been in the works for decades.  "Line upon line, precept upon precept".  And guess what?  These changes weren't put into place for Utah.  They were put into place because we are a worldwide church, and the needs of the members in Africa aren't the same as they are here.

One example.  He said that the average lifespan of an adult male in Africa is 44 years.  When the father of the house dies, it falls on the oldest son to take over the responsibilities of providing for the family.  If a young man goes on a mission, who takes care of he family?  Those sons need to communicate and know that their families are cared for.  Now, I've grossly oversimplified his story and probably didn't do it justice.  The witness policy changed for members living far outside the epicenter of our church.  It wasn't for us, guys!

Another example.  Ministering isn't a new concept.  It's just a higher and holier way of doing what we were already doing by being visiting or home teachers.  It's more about service and less about checking off a box every month.  By praying about the people around us, we'll know through the Spirit how we can best meet the needs of those in our circle of influence.

My people! Gretchen, Michelle, Wanda and Sheri.
Karin got away before we took the picture.

The other profound thing he talked about was this.  He talked about D / C 80 where Stephen Burnett was called on a mission.  Who's that?  The Lord said, "Wherefore, go ye and preach my gospel, whether to the north or to the south, to the east or to the west, it mattereth not, for ye cannot go amiss."  It didn't matter where he went to serve his mission because he would find people that needed the gospel wherever he went.  I think we do a great job of complicating things.  Preparing our homes and families for His return is a matter of being good, keeping our covenants, and ... another thing I can't think of right now but I'll add it later.  I came home so uplifted.  And I was so grateful to be able to hang out with a couple thousand friends who share my love for the country and people of Germany. The work is progressing, lives are changing, miracles are happening because of the small army of young and old missionaries that have been and are now there.


I have chemo in the morning morning and will give an update on my life tomorrow.
Preview: itching 😩

Just read it. I can't think of a title.

A couple of nights ago, I found this picture as I was going through prints that need to be digitized still. This never ended up on our wall because while I love it, it was too painful a reminder of what we had endured. This is from the photo session for McKinleys first birthday.  Pretty decent for Target! We got some other good shots of her, always with faint worry lines and a little melancholy on her face.

Man, we've been through a lot. Revisiting these pictures brings back all the emotion of that first diagnosis.  At that time I never thought I would be back here.  I planned on the normal, run-of-the-mill life I had always imagined. I'm grateful for those "cancer-less" years where we could be normal.  The cancer of the past wasn't returning because I had done everything I needed to do, with the help of an amazing team.

So many blessing have come along the way.  It's hard to say how many times the right people and the right resources have dropped into our laps. It's so evident it was/is that Heavenly Father had our backs.  I forget sometimes, I'm not going to lie. Sometimes I try to carry it by myself.  I forget to rely on Him whose strength and love have gotten us through so much.  Today a friend said after seeing this picture of McKinley, "Wow. You're amazing!  I don't know how you've dealt with that with such positiveness!"  I told her I didn't know how I did it either, then said "God is how." I'm not amazing. Heavenly Father/Mother/Christ/the Atonement is amazing!

My current struggle is extreme fatigue.  I've mentioned it a couple of times, but more and more days in the recent past I struggle to get out of bed, or to function on a basic level.  I sent my oncologist a message last night and told her that I couldn't go another week like I am.  I requested either a dosage drop in the study drug (that's what is causing the fatigue - my body is maxing out on its toxicity) or a prescription for Ritalin or something similar.  Believe it or not, that is one way they treat fatigue in cancer patients!  And since I've always had untreated ADD, it may actually help me organize thoughts, think of words I'm trying to say and have coherent conversations! I told her my preference was the ADD medication because I hate to do anything that could alter my stable state right now. She'll get back to me tomorrow!  🌳🌲 Which is a good thing because yesterday I bought 3 more trees and 17 perennials and shrubs that need to be planted.  I think all I need to finish the yard, REALLY finish the yard, is 2 or 3 more trees and 7 or 8 shrubs.  And more perennials.  No big deal.  😂

CT scans, police reports and back-peddling. Ha!

Sept. 11, 2017 (I'm recalling what happened 2 years ago, this is not a current event!)

I had my CT scan to find out where my cancer was.  It is also, incidentally, the day I found out the Facilities Management church people had filed a police report against me.  My friend, Sharla, was with me that day.  It was "exciting"!  That might be a story for another day.  😂😜😅  The police report quickly went away when I told a certain high councilman where I was and the news I was awaiting.  All of a sudden, there was much concern and prolific apologies and a visit from my Bishop within the hour.  News spread fast!

Anyway, the12th I got the news that the cancer was in my lymph system and liver.  I knew immediately the liver news was bad based on how my oncologist told me.  I needed a biopsy from the lumps in my neck to confirm it was breast cancer and not lymphoma.  Duh.  The waiting between that news and when the surgeon could do the biopsy and the results coming back from the lab?  Excruciating.

A lot has happened in the interim.  The devastation of having to come to terms with the fact that my life wasn't going to turn out like I always thought it would was/is the hardest.  Thinking of Mats and the kids struggle through all of this was/is hard too.  But even harder than that was thinking about all the things I would miss.  Graduations, anniversaries, marriages, grandkids, birthdays, missions, etc. etc.  It really felt unfair.  I'll always be grateful for my friend who had to pound into my head, "Kim, you will be here as long as God needs you here, He won't take you one day sooner than you're supposed to go!"

Y'all know that I'm an open book.  I pretty much say it like it is, I broadcast exactly how I feel on any given day on the blog or to your faces.  I'm mostly honest too.  It occurred to me recently that when people ask me how I am, I say "I'm good!"  That's mostly true.  Scans didn't see tumors the last 9 months or so, so that's fantastic!  I'm on the same chemo I've been on since the beginning - seems to be working at the moment!  The biggest side effect I have right now is extreme fatigue - it's the study drugs fault.  Yesterday, my day was this:  I got up at 10:30 or 11:00, ate my first meal of the day, watched some TV for a bit, then took a nap until I had to pick up carpool.  Mat came home a little later and I said, "I literally did nothing today."  I find that if I have a good day and push it too hard, I have to take a couple days off to rest.  So pathetic, so different from the old me.

I have a list of things to do around the house, stuff I could do without Mat.  But do you think I could get anything done??  Everything overwhelms me.  Opening the bucket of sheetrock mud to fix a few holes?  Too much effort.  Carrying the laundry downstairs?  Too heavy.  Vacuuming?  Too heavy.  Spraying the perennial weeds in the lawn?  Too much effort.  Forget it.  I have a list on the wall in my bedroom, I look at it every night and sigh.  I've had "make dentist appointments" on my list for weeks.  Apparently, too much effort despite having two broken teeth.  I really should have those looked at!

This is typically how much Brooklyn eats
for dinner.  You can't be too careful,
amIright? She's SO picky about food!

I had my support group today, which is always great.  Today we had a guest speaker, one of the doctors at Huntsman.  He talked about what they know about cannabis use in cancer treatment.  Turns out, not much!  The only thing it appears to help is nausea.  There's no proof it does anything to "kill" cancer, despite so many websites and FB groups claiming otherwise.  There were more people there than usual.  At the end, Lisa (social worker) said, "So after hearing all of this, who would still use cannabis to help with symptoms?" One or two people raised their hands.  The rest of us said No Thanks!  Especially because there is a synthetic, perfectly legal form, a prescription, I can get called Marinol.  I took it my first go around because my nausea was so bad.  It was one of the nausea drugs I rotated through.  Nausea hasn't been much of an issue (yet) this time around.  Well, not since February '18.

I've seen a lot of friends lately, that's pretty important to me right now.  I better not list them because I know I'll forget one or two!  Me and my friend Karin (met on my mission in Germany-she lives in Bountiful now!) went to see one of my favorite mission companions, I have two favorite mission companions.  She lives in Tridell, near Vernal, I don't get to see her very often.  But when you're in the shape I am, the drive is worth it!  I love her so much.  She has hard things in her life, just like everyone does.  It was great to see her and catch up!  We were together in Heidelberg, which is also where we met a new member, Karin.  That was 1992.  We laughed so much together, had amazing spiritual experiences together, ate A LOT of chocolate and gelato together.  Those are memories I'll always have, I'm so grateful!

Karin and Wanda

I went on a road trip with Maddie last week.  We went to Denver because we learned about a company called Johnson O'Connor that does aptitude testing, for help in choosing a career based on what you're aptitudes are (what you're good at, how you function in certain situations, etc)  Aren't there resources in Utah?  Not like that one as far as I know.  It's a full day of testing and then a session to go over the results and get printed materials for further study into what she would be good at and well-suited for.  We'll take Isaac later this fall to do the same thing.  We stayed with my friend Olivia and her family in Lafayette.  I could just sit and talk to her for hours (we did!).  It was great!  Here's a funny story from our drive there though.

When we were coming home from our giant road trip last summer, we drove I-70 because I'd never driven the length of it from/to I-15.  Grand Staircase is amazing, we got some great pictures.  So I got this hair-brained idea that we should go that way to get to Denver.  So we're driving south and I finally realize "shouldn't we have hit I-70 already?"  So I pull off the next exit and pull up maps.  And I realize that I missed the I-50 shortcut to I-70, never mind that I could have driven Hwy 6 to Green River and then onto I-70.  So I'm passing road signs that tell me we are 460 some odd miles from Denver, and I realize what I've done.  And I'm calculating in my head how long that's gonna take.  And try to pass it off to Maddie like "we're good . . ."  My only option is to stay the course.  So driving to Denver took a solid 12 hours instead of 8.  It goes without saying that we took I-80 to go home, but we stopped at my sisters in Morgan and talked to her for 2 hours, so we were close to 11 hours coming home.  Do I regret it?  Nope.  We had lots of time to talk and laugh, to blast Hamilton and other musical songs, and make memories.  It was AWESOME!

Good days and Bad days

I go through cycles.  You guys see the good days, that's my public self.  Most of the bad days I keep to myself.  That's when I hunker down and work in the yard/garden, or flip through the channels (which doesn't take long when all you have is an antenna!) or when I really need to tune out, I wrap up in my warm fuzzy blanket and go to sleep on my bed.

Sometimes I think about how unfair all this is.  Why do my kids have to face life without their Mom??  Why does Mat have to face, think about, and deal with the idea of being a single Dad?!  Sometimes I don't like one bit where I am.  I can't really work, most days all I can muster is a couple hours of energy and productivity.  I see my kids, especially B and McK, struggle with understanding all of this.  I'm not saying the older kids don't struggle, just that they are a little better equipped and independent.

We picked up the kids from Camp Kesem today.  Everybody loves Camp Kesem, they never want to leave!  I think Camp Kesem is one of the greatest blessings of my cancer.  The kids get to go away for a whole week, they play, play, play with friends who understand what they're going through, and develop a support system that will last forever, people that will always be in their lives.  It costs the families only the gas to get there.

"Moosh" (Brooklyn) with her favorite Kesem
people, Milky Way, Cookies and Cream,
 Laffy Taffy and counselor, Guac

The only time cancer comes up at camp is Friday night before bed when the kids get together in their age groups and have what is called "Empowerment Ceremony."  Maddie ("Mozzie") went as a cook this year because they had enough female counselors.  She got to float between the groups and their different activities.  She ended up in McKinley's ("Eep") Empowerment Ceremony.  They all know that Friday night is the night they all sit in a circle and talk and cry.  Maddie said that McKinley came and wrapped Maddie's arms around her and she sobbed the entire time.  How do I deal with that?!  Seriously.  I don't know how to make this easier on the people I love the most.

I'm approaching the two year mark of being diagnosed stage 4.  Those anniversaries are killers!  I still remember the exact dates everything happened the first time around, now this.  When I got the diagnosis, my doctor gave us the "on average, women with disease like yours live . . . . . "  So every year when the anniversary rolls around, I wonder . . .  Did I use my time wisely?  Have I made a difference to someone?  Did I accomplish what I wanted to?  Does my family know I love them dearly?  Have I/we taught the kids what they need to know to live productive, happy lives?  and "I better get going on those leaving a legacy ideas I have!"  Times a tickin', I don't want it to run out before I've got meaningful things to leave my family.

While the kids were gone at camp, we tackled a big project in the yard.  We have just enough slope in this yard to be a problem.  Every time it rains, we get a flood of mud and rocks down our sidewalk in the back.  Our rain gutters are rusted out and useless, so all the water from the roof washes away the dirt in this bed.  I've debated over and over again about how to deal with it.  I didn't want to plant it and have more to maintain.  This is what I came up with.

The landscape fabric goes under the blocks to the sidewalk.  I've been to several gravel places around to see what rock they have.  It's so expensive to buy rock!  So, I went to the BLM office to see if there were places relatively close where I could pick up rock.  I settled on a location on the south side of Utah lake, about 8 miles west of Spanish Fork.  How's that for relatively close?  We've made 3 or 4 trips out here, and filled the Pilot.  One small bucket at a time.  This project has totally kicked my butt.

These spiders are everywhere, they spin delicate, intricate
 webs that you can hardly see.  We didn't notice them until
our second time out there.  

What do you say about the guy who has
come out here with me even though school starts
next week and he has a million things to do?
HE'S A KEEPER!

We hoped this was the last load, but it's not.
There's another flower bed along the south side
of the garage that needs rock too.

But this one is done!

School starts on Monday.  Everyone is back to the grind.  I've joked with Mat about seeing him again / having time for house projects / working on the sprinklers next June.  His job is nonstop, from August to June.  He's always planning, coordinating, picking music, rehearsing, doing extra assignments on the side (the national anthem at games ---- COME ON! JUST LET HIM COME HOME!  Can't the Madrigal President give them the pitch and waive her arm?!)  His choir tour will be different than the usual this year because this is the first year he's refusing to coordinate tour for his choirs AND the band ensembles.  It's taken a couple of years for him to get the courage to break off that arrangement.  And I can see why.  The band guys just let Mat coordinate everything from hotel rooms, roommates, buses, meals, events, volunteer parents, etc. etc. etc.  It was easy for them, now it will be easier for Mat.

That's it for now.

Random

I saw my oncologist yesterday morning, after having labs done and talking to my study coordinator.  Dr. Prystas was so positive about the way my body has responded to the current regimen; the study drug Ibrance (palbocyclib), the hormone shots, and the Herceptin.  She said that we'll keep doing what we're doing if / until tumors start to grow again (cancer cells mutate and spread, that's why chemo can't always keep up with it.)

We've both been working hard outside this week, spent basically all day and into the night working on sprinklers for the front yard.  I ran drip lines through the flower bed while Mat (with a little help from Isaac) glued pipe and got it ready for sprinkler heads.  I cut down the old shrubs from along our back fence and have a huge pile of stuff that needs to be cleaned up.

I needed a chainsaw for what was left after I used my
hand saw all day yesterday.

This is "most" of the pile, really old Euonymus and snowball bush

Mat was boring out a hole in the sprinkler valve box and caught his left thumb today, so part of our day was spent at Instacare.  He ended up with stitches 3 layers down, 5 stitches on the outside.  SO GROSS!  We'll be in San Fran when he's supposed to have the outside stitches removed.  Hopefully we can find a clinic that will just do it for us.  I got the email link for our tickets to Hamilton today.  SO FREAKING EXCITED to see that!  I managed to make reservations for campgrounds near Lake Tahoe and near the Golden Gate bridge.  Hopefully we're that lucky as we make our way up the coast!

Life is Good!

Earlier this month we got to go on a retreat with a foundation called Inheritance of Hope.  The purpose of their Legacy Retreats is to help people with a terminal illness know how to leave a legacy for their families.  We got to connect with others who understand what we're going through, make a legacy video for our families, go on a river trip, a tour of the Biltmore mansion, we had a date night at an amazing restaurant with all the couples (while the kids had an amazing time at a trampoline park with our volunteers!)  Leaving a legacy was one of the first things I worried over after my diagnosis.  What would my legacy be?  How would my kids remember me?  What could I do to make sure grandkids know what I was all about?  For me, it's all about telling my story.  The material things I have won't mean a whole lot, but if I can communicate my love and admiration for my family, tell stories about my life, impart some wisdom . . . THAT'S the most important thing for me.

I'm working on digitizing everything that isn't, creating digital scrapbooks for every year of our lives together, writing my personal history - and if I manage to get through all of that, I'd love to make some books with ancestor stories as well.  We've got some really remarkable people and stories in past generations!  And the great thing is, today I got the gift of MORE TIME!

Stable patchy sclerosis of the left iliac bone.No findings of progressive thoracic metastatic disease are present.No evidence of abdominal or pelvic metastatic disease.

I had my CT scan today, the results came through this afternoon.  I've always had to wait until the next day to see them!  Greatest news ever!  My mind is a little bit boggled by this news, that I've had no evidence of disease in the last 3 scans??  Incredible.

In other news, McKinley turned 10, she
is super and awesome!  We'll have a friend party this week.  She got sushi for lunch, and a case of her favorite Ramen from the asian store.  This ramen is WAY better that Top Ramen from Smiths or Walmart.



We've managed to train the dog to do *this* when we're eating.  He only climbs on the table when someone leaves dishes there and he thinks he can get away with it!  We have the kitchen blocked off completely.  He'd have a hay day with all the dishes and food that sits around in there!

After we get home from our trip, we really need to have someone professional come in and help us fine tune his quirky stuff and make him an even better dog with better trained people!

Split Seconds

Maddie came home last night, which was so fun!  She requested we bring a chicken burrito from Cafe Rio to the airport.  But I forgot plastic silverware so she had to wait until we got home to have any.  😂  Mat was anxious to get to the airport, we ended up having to wait about 45 minutes before she finally came out of security!  It was a happy, tearful time for some of us, I'm not saying who.  This morning she pulled out the things she brought for us, there happened to be a lot of chocolate, but some other fun things as well.  She has some great stories to tell!

Maddie spent the day in Orem with a friend, I love that she can just ride the train and get there on her own!  She texted me tonight when she was about 10 minutes out and I left to go pick her up at the station.  I had just turned from 2600 S. on to 800 W. when an SUV on the side of the road suddenly went to make a U turn but didn't see me.  I swerved and honked but knew there was no way I would avoid getting hit.  All those thoughts go through your head at the same time!  When I came to a stop, I got out to ask the other driver if everyone was OK.

They were fine, I am fine.  There happened to be a policeman two cars behind me, so he saw everything.  There is quite a bit of damage to her front end and my entire passenger side.  The right front tire just made a skid mark when I pulled it off the road, so it had to be towed.

In a split second, you have to decide how to react.  The first thing I did was get out to make sure they were OK.  There were 3 people walking down the sidewalk at that moment, saw everything that happened, and stuck around for a few minutes while police and fire came.  As they walked away, they thanked me for checking on the driver that hit me.  I thought that was so peculiar.  Isn't that what anyone would do?  Twenty years ago I probably wouldn't have reacted the same way.  Mat has mellowed me out, and cancer has totally changed me.  You realize real fast after a diagnosis what is important, who is important, and how you want to live.  Freaking out about an accident isn't a high priority!!!  It's a perfect time to be a one car family!  Mat's off for the summer, so we can manage until we get this figured out.  I didn't think to take a picture until after it was towed.  Naturally!

Last Friday was the funeral for my friend Ginger.  They had it at the Regional Center in Bountiful.  She had such a tremendous influence on so many people through her work in the cancer community.  I had arranged with Candace, my friend who gave me the news of her death the Friday before, to go to the funeral together.  But when it came down to it, I just couldn't do it.  As great as Ginger was, I couldn't sit through a funeral knowing that she dealt with what I am dealing with.  I couldn't think about her leaving her kids behind.

As it turned out, Geri, my sweet friend, knowing how rough that week was on me, texted to see what she could do for me.  I asked her if she would come with me to run a couple errands and go to lunch.  So, I spent Friday NOT thinking about how hard and "unfair" life can be for people.  Instead I spent the day with Geri.  We ended up eating at this great Belgian cafe that I've driven past a thousand times but never stopped in.  Right next door is a birding store (27th and Highland) that I had to check out.  Coolest. Place. Ever!!  I bought some bird seed to inspire me to clean up my feeders and get them hung up again.  Thanks for saving the day Geri!

I've spent hours and hours working outside in the front yard.  I'm "almost" done and it looks good!  We need to redo the sprinklers, but will only focus on the the part of the yard where I just planted everything.  😜  Mat's a cool dude and can figure it out.

Grief

I was minding my own business on Friday afternoon when got a call from a cancer friend, Candace.  I've known her since my initial diagnosis in 2009.  She asked me if I'd been on FB yet and told me that our friend, Ginger, had passed.  I was dumbfounded.  She is the 4th friend since Christmas to die.  The other three were friends from my support group at Huntsman, they were my friends and I loved them.  But Ginger?  If anyone was going to beat stage 4 cancer, it was her.  She did everything she could to beat it.  Traditional treatments, alternative treatments, changed her diet, changed her mindset - not allowing her brain to even go to thoughts of not making it!  She had the best attitude I've ever seen from anyone going through what she was going through (it was way more than just terminal cancer).

Painting by Caitlin Connolly

Our cancer journeys have been on parallel tracks.  She was diagnosed when she was pregnant with her youngest, I was diagnosed just after my youngest was born.  Her kids are about the same ages as mine.  We both had 8-9 years before it came back.  She was diagnosed with stage 4, then I was diagnosed with stage 4.  She's one of the first people I talked to after I found out because I had to process with someone who knew exactly what I was going through.

I've had a crappy weekend.  This one hit me hard.  I've shed many tears, had to come to terms with my own vulnerability.  I'm not invincible, I don't get to choose the timing.  I've realized that I need to get my crap together and get my "long term" projects done ... because I really don't have unlimited amounts of time.  I've got to get my stuff done. I'm scanning and editing photos, digitizing everything that isn't.  I'm writing my personal history that I will publish like I have my scrapbooks, mostly text with a few pictures mixed in.  I have a couple other ideas swirling through my head as well.  It's all about leaving a LEGACY for our kids and their kids.  What will your legacy be?

... another teenager ...

I haven't had a lot to report lately because I feel so darn good!  I had my group at Huntsman today, it's always great to see my friends, but always a bummer to hear about losing another one.  Today I learned that Pat, a spunky, happy, friendly woman of 82 died recently.  She was a regular at group, and so fun to be around because her enthusiasm was infectious!  She had some pretty tough chemo toward the end, a couple of the same drugs that totally kicked my butt!  But she smiled and laughed and 

I've been working in the yard like crazy, which is SO FUN for me!  I really do get my therapy in when I'm outside.  I had great ideas about what to do along our back fence . . . and then the puppy came home with us.  I'm not going to do anything in the back yard now.  He can chew on what's out there.  Our yard is perfect for him, we have two gates that can be locked with padlocks.  We have to do that because the kids go in and out and forget to shut them again.  So as long as he doesn't figure out he's big enough to jump the 4 foot fence, it's perfect.  If he does figure out he will be big enough to jump it, we're sunk!  He's growing like crazy.  I'm going to go to DI tomorrow and get him chew toys: measuring cups, wooden spoons, beat up shoes, stuffed animals, and anything else I can find!  McKinley has graciously donated a few stuffed animals to the cause already.

Spring break never lines up in our family.  McKinley's was different from Davis district, and Mat's was different than everyone else's.  So we just stayed home and worked on projects.  One thing I desperately needed to get done was a small retaining wall in front of our house, because I had a bunch of plants I needed to move into the completed bed before it got warm and they grew too much in the wrong place!  It rained for 3 days while Mat was home, but by Thursday the rain went away so Mat could start the wall.  I'm just not much help with that kind of thing, but I did rototill all the grass out of the area, clean it up, prep it with mulch, install lawn edging, etc. etc.  By Saturday, everything was done and it was time to start moving plants.  I spent over 10 hours outside that day, in my MOJO sauce, lovingly moving the plants from the wrong part of the yard to the front bed we had just completed.  The problem is I still have 6 trees to find spots for!  I could put some in the park strip but I don't want to do that until we've run water out there.  I predict that will be done by the time school starts in the fall - if I'm lucky.

Quick update on the fam:

• Maddie is our world traveler, having been all over Europe the last couple weeks (from Amsterdam to Auschwitz-Birkenau to Athens).  There is a possibility she would extend 2 weeks, she'll either fly home June 3rd or June 17th.  She has LOVED her time in Russia, and we loved that she got some worldly experience before settling down into school and life.
• Isaac is doing better.  He's calm and pleasant, if we could only get him to clean and detox his room!  As far as we know, he's stayed away from the substances that got him into trouble in the first place.  He would never tell us if he had or hadn't, but his behavior suggests that he has.  I've been taking him to counseling down at Wasatch Canyons (Primary Children's)  in Taylorsville.  It's made all the difference!  He wants to work full time for a few months and save up to move out and figure out what's next.  I remind him that he's only 18 and doesn't have to jump into college immediately--it's OK to take some time to figure out what you want to be when you grow up!  
• Brooklyn is 8th grade and obsessed with choir/Mrs. Larsen, and junior high in general.  I don't know many kids that feel the way she does about junior high, but she's thriving!  She tried out for next years Madrigals and got in!  She is doing track, high jump and long jump.  They couldn't teach them high jump because it rained so much.  She's our tallest kid, but a scant 5'5" at that.  I think she's a distance runner, personally.  I learned that about myself 20 years after I ran track in HS.  I wish my coach had seen that in me and steered me toward the cross country team instead.  I might have never stopped running.
• McKinley (4th grade) is more interested in being outside than reading and math.  She loves to get dirty, explore, help with stuff, be independent, walk and play with the dog.  She is cheerful, outgoing, and a sensitive kid who wants to keep everyone happy.  The girl drama thing is really hard for her.  Girl drama in 4th grade, it happens.  It gives us opportunities to talk about problem-solving and showing kindness anyway.
• Mat's busiest time is from October to May.  I do pretty well through Christmas, but start to get a little impatient March through May.  It's ridiculous how much he works without compensation.  I hate news stories about teacher salary. ("Canyons raises salaries for 1st year teachers to $50,000") and then I think about 25 years of teaching, a Masters degree, countless hours of "volunteer time" and he's not getting paid a heck of a lot more than that anyway--not when it's averaged over 12 months.  How will those salaries trickle UP?  It's a touchy subject for me.  Don't anyone ever say things like "but they only work 10 months of the year."  I will reach down your throat and remove your voice box.  
• Bentley (3 months)  Another teenager in the house!  He tends to go crazy right about bedtime, he just wants to play!  We're all getting better about stuffing something in his mouth when he's biting/playing.  McKinley gets upset when she can't keep up with avoiding his teeth.  I'm "alpha" so he does pretty well with potty and obedience when I'm home and on top of it.  When I'm not, it can be another story!