Best Day Ever!

I went to Huntsman today for some acupuncture with Annie.  She's amazing, I came away relaxed and feeling great!  But the potentially life changing information she gave me today is this.  She said that when there's a sudden change in activity level, it can cause a condition called Radiculopathy.  At first I thought she was kidding, like nerve pain is ridiculous.  But there is a real condition!  When I started chemo last October, I stopped going to the gym and haven't been back.  Here's what wikipedia says about it.

Radiculopathy, also commonly referred to as pinched nerve, refers to a set of conditions in which one or more nerves are affected and do not work properly (a neuropathy). This can result in pain (radicular pain), weakness, numbness, or difficulty controlling specific muscles.^[1]

In a radiculopathy, the problem occurs at or near the root of the nerve, shortly after its exit from the spinal cord. However, the pain or other symptoms often radiate to the part of the body served by that nerve. For example, a nerve root impingement in the neck can produce pain and weakness in the forearm. Likewise, an impingement in the lower back or lumbar-sacral spine can be manifested with symptoms in the foot.

This makes perfect sense now, because the itching and pain in my neck and arms could be caused by this.  She explained neuropathy is in the extremities (feet, hands), and this is nerve pain closer to the source of the problem.  So if the cervical spine is out of whack, it can cause symptoms in the neck and down the arms.  If your spine down lower is out of whack, it can cause problems down your legs.  

She gave me a card for an musculoskeletal doctor to determine if this is, in fact, the source of my pain and itching.  And she gave me information about a program they do at Huntsman called POWER (Personal Optimism and Exercise Recovery).  You know when you need something and it just drops in your lap?  The story of my life.

The other GREAT news I got today is that this years entire out of pocket maximum ($5000) was paid with a pharmaceutical co-pay program.  Our insurance year runs from Sept. 1 to August 31.  So, my first procedure this year was an infusion of Herceptin on Sept. 7th.  We got the bill from Huntsman for $4,970.  Because the whole out of pocket max was the Herceptin and no other procedures, this co-pay program covered it all.  If the first procedure of the year had been a CT scan, or the hormone shots, or anything else, we'd have to pay toward the out of pocket max.  So, once again, things fell into place exactly like they needed to for our blessing and financial reprieve.  I'm so SO GRATEFUL for my friend Kolleen who gave me information last year about the assistance programs at Huntsman and for Amber who walked me through applying for the co-pay assistance. 

DON'T TELL BROOKLYN!  Its a surprise!

The third great thing today is that Brooklyn's baby book came.  She has no idea and is getting it for Christmas!  She's felt bad for several years because she sees Maddie and Isaac's baby books and she doesn't have one.  Theirs were "scrapped" in those big 12x12 Creative Memories books.  I've got no time for that anymore!  So it's a digital book, but so cute.  She's going to LOVE it!

My week

Isaac's 18th birthday is today.  I've been doing digital scrapbooks for the younger girls and it's been so great to see so many pictures of him when he was younger and hilarious, he kept us laughing constantly!  I could post dozens of pictures just like this one.  Goofy faces, funny outfits, broad smiles!  We love him a lot, even when he's 18!  💖

Sometimes I get a little "bah-humbugish" about the choirs Christmas concerts.  It's so hard to get tickets, the traffic and parking, throngs of people, most years I can talk myself right out of going.  My cousin Jennifer works for KUTV and was able to snag 2 tickets to last nights concert with Kristen Chenowith.  Thankfully, she picked me as her lucky companion!!!  I'm telling you, it was a WINNER!     She's funny, so charming, and her message of love and Christ being the most important of Christmas was so clear and so touching.  She was raised in Oklahoma and has the best accent.  My Brooklyn and her friend Abby came with us, because Brooklyn has been obsessed with the choir lately.  Mat has taken her 3-4 times to the broadcast in the last couple of months despite our 9:00 church time because she asks so nicely and he cracks.  😂  Her choir teacher at SDJH is in it ... and she LOVES her choir teacher, Mrs. Larson!  They watched the concert from the Little Theater in the Conference Center and loved it as much as we did.

I had my monthly support group on Wednesday and came away feeling a little somber.  One of our dear sisters, Cindy, is very sick.  There is nothing more they can do for her.  Her initial diagnosis was stage 4, it was all through her bones.  By this summer, it had spread to her brain.  She's done surgeries, radiation to her brain, spent weeks in the hospital this year.  Her goal is to make it to Christmas for her kids, which I believe she can do!  Probably won't make it much past that.  It was a very emotional group as we processed what she's been through in the last 6 months or so, and what is coming.

I had my monthly support group on Wednesday and came away feeling a little somber.  One of our dear sisters, Cindy, is very sick.  There is nothing more they can do for her.  Her initial diagnosis was stage 4, it was all through her bones.  By this summer, it had spread to her brain.  She's done surgeries, radiation to her brain, spent weeks in the hospital this year.  Her goal is to make it to Christmas for her kids, which I believe she can do!  Probably won't make it much past that.  It was a very emotional group as we processed what she's been through in the last 6 months or so, and what is coming.

The last couple weeks the neuropathy in my feet is worse, starting to get painful to walk.  And despite my ramped up antihistamines the itching is still a bugger.  I was up most of the night last night trying to get comfortable but it was worse than it usually is.  I couldn't get up for church today even though I intended to get there for at least part of it.  Just after 12 o'clock my friend Regena came marching into my room to bring me something, then we talked for 2 hours!  I love it when that happens!  I'm reaching desperation mode with itching and neuropathy.  I'm meeting with a psychiatrist on Thursday, "not because you're crazy, Kim" my social worker Annie said, but so someone can know what I'm taking and how much and know what's happening and see if there's something more that can help me.  I contacted my study coordinator last week to see if the CBD oil is OK, still waiting to hear on that.  I am also doing acupuncture again tomorrow as well as my monthly massage on Tuesday. 

It seems like I do a lot, but when I look back at my days, I don't really.  In some ways I'm grateful for that, to be able to take life at the slower speed it is now.  But I'm a doer, I thrive on checking things off my list everyday.  Not having the energy to cross much off is frustrating.  Mat's niece texted me this week about Christmas and asked me if she could help us with anything.  She came yesterday with a friend and finished painting the interior doors.  I've meant to get to it, I had another friend help me get to the point we were until yesterday.  But the thought of taking out the paint stuff, prepping the last door, pouring, rolling ...  too much for me.  It's pathetic.  I want to stay active and feel productive, but most days I don't have the gas in the tank to do much.  The pain in my feet doesn't help that either.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!"

I had an interesting experience today.  Me and Maddie were going to Old Navy to return something, the one at Station Park.  You know what it's like to to park in there this time of year?  A nightmare, especially to get close to where you want to go. So we're circling around and around and I look down towards Old Navy (You know where the parking stalls are on a 45 degree angle?  And the reasonable way to get into those spots is going the direction of the 45 degree angle).  I saw a car backing out of one of those spots, at the exact moment a women coming from the other direction saw the same car backing out of that spot.  We both have our blinkers on for the spot, but because I was going the "right" direction, and she was going the "wrong" direction, I slipped in as soon as the parked car was out of my way.  After all, in my head, I'm saying "she would have to make a 6 point turn to get in there, therefore, I'm taking it."

What happened next was nothing short of crazy.  If I had known, I'd have let her have the dang spot!  As I sent Maddie in to return one item, she sat behind me in her SUV yelling at the top of her lungs with her window down, left arm and head outside her car.  She blasted her horn at me, over and over again, like she wanted me to vacate the spot immediately.  And she stayed there yelling and honking at me for about 5 minutes.  Now, I have a streak of stubborn in me, if you'll be nice to me I'll do anything for you.  But if you're rude to me, I'll dig my heals into the ground and not budge an inch.  Maddie said that customers in the store were looking outside to see what all the fuss was about.  I completely ignored her, didn't react at all.  I even had a contingency plan if she approached my car.  "What?  What??  I can't hear you.  Sorry!"

She finally sped off just before Maddie came back.  Silly woman.  She could have had my spot!  As she drove off, I yelled as loud as I could, "MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!" in her direction. I think she missed the memo.

Last night, my friend Regena came over to massage my hands and feet.  It was amazing!  In 2009 we started our cancer journeys together.  Same ward, same diagnosis, same treatments, same side, bald together on the back row in Relief Society.  She's been a great friend over the years, she's one that will do whatever she can to help me!  She's come to chemo with me many times.  She'll fluff the pillows, straighten the blanket, make sure my water and purse are within reach, then she lets me sleep if I want to, she'll buy me food if I need it.  She's one great amiga and I'm grateful our paths crossed when they did!  Two baldies!

 

Neuropathy Challenged

I'm getting my first real taste of neuropathy this week.  I've known for a few weeks that my fingers and toes were showing signs.  It finally occurred to me that dropping things constantly and tripping or missing stairs could very well be the beginning (because they are numb).  The last little while I've felt a sensation down my legs - kind of a painful itch.  That has made its way to my feet now.  When I put my running shoes on (not because I'm running!), it feels like the laces are clamped down really tight on my feet.  So, I'll stop and retie them really loose, but it doesn't make a difference.  Just having my feet in a confined space is enough.  I can be grateful that I haven't had problems until now, right?  Always a silver lining.  I know it very well could get worse.  When and if, I'll work hard to get through it with a smile.  It's been relatively "easy" to get through the last 10 months or so, it's a little distressing to see things change.

Recently, I've had 2 friends tell me about either hemp oil or CBD oil for neuropathy.  CBD is legal in Utah, even before all this Prop 2 stuff.  You can get it from chiropractors or health food stores, it's actually widely available.  The quality is widely variable too.  I talked to a few friends (including my bishop) at the beginning of stage 4 and got a wide range of opinions.  People who have tried it for various conditions swear by it.  It comes in various forms, liquid dropper to put under your tongue, in creams, capsules, even breath mints. I'm going to do acupuncture regularly, and try some other things, but this is something to consider.  And just for the record, I would never buy anything with THC in it (the compound that makes you high).  I know this paragraph will bring up a wide range of opinions on the subject!

One of the prescriptions that is commonly prescribed for neuropathy is Gabapentin.  I took a very small, daily dose a few months ago when all this itching stuff was getting bad.  The problem is it created a whole new set of issues for me: clumsiness, blurred vision, fatigue, mouth lesions, etc. etc.  I have to consider all sides of this issue, benefits and side effects, how either will impact my ability to function day to day.  It's a tough line to walk, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I've been going through file folders of pictures I've kept since high school.  I can't believe it's taken me 30 years to let go of some of this stuff!  It's been fun/weird to see all the pictures of the first guy I really fell in love with, and the next one - who I dumped when I was 19 because I knew without a doubt I shouldn't marry him.  We had been engaged for about 8 weeks when I did that.  He was devastated but I never regretted it for a second.  Look at what I got because I waited!

I threw away pictures from the MTC.  I went through all the pictures I took the two summers I worked at Lagoon.  All gone.  I threw away dozens of pictures of friends at school dances.  You know how we used to exchange those?  Gone.  High school and graduation?  Gone.  You know what's most important now?  My family, none of that other stuff matters.

I never took the time to go through it until now.  I'm creating digital memory books for my family.  I have 10 years of scrapbooks that are the pre-digital era, and that was when I was deep into those heavy 12 x 12 Creative Memories books.  I figure I have close to 20 of them (17 after yesterday!)
Can you imagine lugging those through 7 moves over almost 25 years?  Yesterday I took three books to the Family History Library in Layton.  They have a flatbed scanner big enough to scan those pages.  I tore off those page protectors with no regard to how much money I've spent "creating memories" over the years.  I scanned the pages I want pictures from, and threw the rest away.  Eventually, all those books will be in the trash because everything I really need will be digital.  I have plenty to do to keep me busy for quite some time.  Lots more fun to come!

Reality Hits

When Mat came home tonight, he was so exhausted that all he could do was watch TV.  All I could do was about the same!  It stresses me out when he is so stressed out.  Christmas season burnout is upon us.  Mat has already had several concerts, Thursday he has 6!  More Friday and Saturday.  Why does he have to be so darn good at what he does??  Everybody wants his choirs to perform - ward christmas parties, nursing homes, etc. etc.  He can send the Madrigals off by themselves, but not the others.  He won't really be present at home until Christmas Eve.  See you in 20 days Mat!


This is our Christmas tree this year, the Winter Tree - blue-ish, white, twig balls and a splash of red.  I like it, I love the little owls I found at Taipan Imports for this tree!  I have driftwood stars that I bought in Plymouth Mass.  I wish I would have bought 10 more of those!  Guess I'll have to go back!

We went to Temple Square to see the lights this weekend.  Turns out, I can get pretty decent night pictures on my iPhone.  I'm kind of surprised!  One of the big pictures I have on our family picture wall in the dining room is a daytime shot of the Salt Lake Temple.  I printed it off 16x20, looks right decent!  You'll have to come see it!

This afternoon Kurt Bestor did a free concert at Huntsman, for patients, family and staff.  He is a really great performer, I need to get some of his music downloaded.  I love the John Schmidts, Kurt Bestors, Paul Cardalls of the world.  Peaceful piano/orchestration is what I listen to most of the time.  My absolute favorite song he does is Prayer for the Children.  I love that Huntsman provides these opportunities to patients and families.  It's part of the "total package" of healing, I think.

I realized after I applied and got approved for Social Security Disability (stage 4 cancer qualifies as a permanent disability) that our minor kids actually get a monetary monthly benefit as well.  I spent an hour on hold yesterday, and after finally getting through to a real person she asked for their social security numbers.  Of course those documents are somewhere in the chaos downstairs.  I managed to stall long enough to find their SS cards and give her the numbers.  They'll call me back for a phone appointment on January 26th to get it set up.  January 26th??  Not quite as efficient as when I applied online late one night, got a phone call the next day, and had my first check in less than 3 weeks.  But I'm grateful for these benefits! It means college savings for both of them.

Acupuncture and Other Fun Stuff

McK wasn't feeling great and ended up on the floor
in front of the Christmas tree, sleeping soundly! I
had to call her name several times before she stirred
and then she still didn't get up!

Today we celebrated Mat's 50th birthday.  We had an informal gathering with a few friends and family and had one of Mat's favorites - pumpkin pie!  It was fun!  I managed to keep it a secret, but by this morning he was suspicious, he knew there was something going on.  😉  I actually blocked him on FB last week, just in case he would see something that someone said about it. He's been "unblocked" now and we are friends again.  I didn't think to take a single picture - typical.  It's fun to have people come see the house, especially when they saw it in it's original condition.  It's a totally different place!  I'm grateful things worked out just like they did, I'm grateful to have a "home" again.

I had chemo this morning (Friday).  I was so delighted when the nurse told me I got a bed!  I haven't had a bed for a long time.  The beds are in private rooms just off of the infusion room.  They are so comfortable, they have chambers in the mattress that slowly fill and deflate with air.  Dreamy!  It's a great way to do it if you have to do it.  Maddie came with me today, she didn't have to work until 3:00.  After we got home, we both crashed for a couple hours.

One of the blessed side effects of my chemo is peeling skin and nails that crack, peel and break.  I used to admire my Mom's nails when I was little.  She'd have them long, perfectly rounded, filed and painted all the time.  I've never liked long nails because I spend too much time outside and I can't stand having dirt under them!  But now I have to trim them before they even have a chance too grow out.  No matter how short they are, they'll crack and snag stuff.  I'm going to have to start to wear bandaids on fingers that have broken nails because I can't clip them any shorter.

Itching is still my constant companion, arms, neck, and now down my legs as well.  I'm not sure when the time will come to raise the white flag.  The chemo I'm on now is keeping the tumors from growing, but at what cost?  It affects my life everyday and has seriously thrown off my sleep.  It's hard to go to sleep and it's harder to get up at a decent hour.  I take zyrtec and a prescription antihistamine, more than the recommended doses (and with the blessing of my doctor), everyday to try to stay on top of it.

One thing I've had to come to grips with is this IS my new normal.  Broken, peeling nails, itching, fatigue, mouth sores ...  I'm getting used to the idea, and I'm very grateful things aren't worse!

I went to an acupuncturist, Annie, this week, and I have to say, I'm a fan!  Acupuncture is one of the "perks and benefits" of being a patient at Huntsman.  Annie is as good a therapist as she is an acupuncturist.  I don't get how it works, but those needles were magic! I had needles on top of my head, in my ears, hands and wrists, ankles and feet.  I left there feeling relaxed and rejuvenated.

I have been thinking a lot about what to do for Isaac.  I know there are a lot of people worried about him and praying for him, which is so great!  We've felt those prayers too.  I took him to his therapist again this week, I was really impressed with her the first time we met with her.  Of course, I don't get to be a part of the sessions, so I don't know what they're talking about but he seems a tad bit more calm.  Maybe it's an illusion?  Wishful thinking??  I've looked into different options as far as treatment programs/therapy etc.  A few months ago, I would have sent him to Timbuktu for 5 years of residential treatment.  But as it always seems to happen, a good friend of mine has a connection to someone that knows a great deal about long-term residential vs. intensive outpatient treatments/therapy.  Evidently, there is a much higher success rate with the intensive outpatient than sending your kid to Timbuktu.  Go figure!  So for now, we stay on the course we are on.  He turns 18 in 2 weeks, so he'll be in the proverbial drivers seat after that.  And he's keenly aware of that fact.  We're praying ...

Surrender

I have no energy today.  I was up most of the night itching and scratching.  I made it to Sacrament but went home after that and went back to bed.  We were asked to speak in Sacrament next week.  That'll be fun!  Hopefully I can 1) get there on time, and 2) speak coherently.  

The thought of preparing Thanksgiving dinner this week overwhelms me.  This is my first time preparing this meal!  We're having ham, au gratin potatoes, rolls, green bean casserole, and pies (all of which I can cook in a crockpot or purchase).   My disabled friend, Michelle asked if she could spend the day with us.  I won't let her sit in her assisted living place with no family.  She'll be with us for dinner.  I'll do a little bit each day to prepare and should be OK.  It will also help that by Tuesday night, I will have a fully functional kitchen!

I don't do a lot of decorations for any holiday.  But my Christmas tree makes me happy!  My friend, Sharla, learned how to decorate them at Temple Square when I did.  She's coming to help me decorate it next week.  Can't wait!

This year, our tree will be a "winter" tree with blues, white, and a splash of red.
This was our tree last year.  This was patterned after one we did at
Temple Square.  I love the reds, browns, and golds together! 

The truth is, I have SO MANY people who are willing to help me with whatever I need!  That is such a blessing to me and our family.  Everything overwhelms me, I just don't have the energy to start or work through projects around here.  I considered teaching my Christmas tree class again.  It just seemed too much to pull it off.

I (we) have received a lot of love and support since my last post.  I'm grateful to have so many people concerned for our boy.  We'll get through this!  I don't know how yet, but our prayers (and yours!) are being heard and answered.  We'll find answers and solutions in time.  It's hard to know what to do, how involved do we get? My little brother advised me today to calm down, because he will too.  I still want to drag him in to rehab tomorrow, but I don't think that is the right thing to do either.  We need to make our home a safe place to fall if he ever needs it.  The only way it will be a safe place is if he really knows we love him.

Friends, if any of you happen to cross paths with Isaac, the WRONG thing to do would be lecture, judge, or belittle him.  The best thing to do would be to show him/tell him you care about him and LOVE  HIM UNCONDITIONALLY.  Don't let on that you know anything because that will tick him off.  He likes his privacy, even though he's posted stuff all over social media.  In reality, he has NO privacy.  He just doesn't want his parents/family to know what he's doing.  So, be patient with all of us.  I've carried a little dark rain cloud over my head for weeks.  I'm trying to improve, we're trying to work with and remember the girls needs, and we're trying to keep our (me and Mat) relationship strong as well.  It's a hard time, but by learning to put our trust in God, we will get through this.

I had a long talk last night with an awesome friend who had two sons do some of what Isaac is doing.  It was bleak for a few years, but in time she learned to "surrender," to turn her boys over to Christ and the Atonement, trusting that he would take care of them because they were His first.  She found some peace knowing that she didn't have to carry the burden by herself.  I forget that sometimes and try to carry it all on my own.  I'm a problem solver, I just want to "fix" it.  Sometimes, trusting in God is the better answer.

Nerves

Just a little update because it's late.  A week or two ago I sensed what felt like a sliver in the seat of my pants.  That's conceivable.  I do spend a lot of time outside doing stuff.  The last few days and nights I've realized that it is my nerves, the itch is spreading down my left leg.  The give-away was when I spent an entire night (at least it felt like it) moving my left scratching hand from my right arm to my left hip and back.  Again and again and again.  That's a little overwhelming, especially as it's getting more and more present during the day when I can usually distract myself from the itch by staying busy.  Why people.  WHY!?!

What do you do when you find yourself in a situation with a child close to you that is screwing up his life so bad, and you just want to throttle said child?  He got "randomly" chosen for a drug test at school yesterday.  We told him last night that we requested it, it wasn't random.  He was ticked!  Tonight the one Safari page he had open on his phone was research for "Molly."  a.k.a. Ecstasy.

Now, he doesn't listen to what we say to his face, so I'm not too worried he'd make the effort to find my blog, which is why I'm sharing this.  Why do we have to have these conversations?  Is there a residential drug treatment program where he can go until he's 23?  I'd be happy to pick him up on his 23rd birthday.  Do you remember when I wrote about the Shoshone Shaman?  One of the things he told me when we were speaking privately was that we needed to get him away from his friends.  I couldn't agree more, but to where? with what resources?  How much do we try to intervene when he couldn't care less about what we say or what he's doing?  How would we pay for a program anyway?  It would bankrupt us.  I pray every night that someone will come into his life at some point that can help him snap out of it and get his act together.  He has so much going for him.  He could be anything he wanted to be.  He's SO smart.  Instead of channeling his gifts and talents into a successful future, he's throwing it all away.  Why can't he see it?  Why is it so easy for him to justify the drugs - he can prove scientifically that they won't hurt him.  REALLY?!?

Tie the knot and hold on, Mama.

What NOT To Say

The past couple weeks I've been binging on Poldark (Masterpiece PBS).  I watched all four seasons, sometimes 2 or 3 episodes a day because it's intense!  I'm not ashamed, I loved it!  It was a great diversion from the chaos and stress we've been living with.  Season 5 doesn't come out for another year, so I may have to watch them all next summer so I remember what happened.

I stained our kitchen countertop today.  There's one piece that is a titch too long and needs to be cut one more time,  but it looks amazing!  Too long is better than too short, am I right?  A couple of years ago my friend called me from IKEA and told me that they had their solid birch butcher block slabs for $25 (normally over $150).  I got down there as fast as I could and bought 4, knowing that eventually we'd remodel the condo kitchen.  Since we never did that, we used them in our kitchen here.  We literally had less than 2 inches of waste, just barely enough to get it all covered.  I used gel stain which was super easy.  After getting that end piece cut and in place, we'll seal the surface, call the plumber to hook up the dishwasher, the fridge and the sink, assemble drawers and put all the doors on.  It's such a relief to be so close to a finished project!  More pictures to come!  Or maybe we should just have a big party here and y'all can just see it in person.  😁

Brooklyn thinks we should either move the piano to her room,
or get another one and move this piano to her room.  Um, no.
I'm very proud of her!  She's been learning the piano on her
own.  She can play all of the simplified hymns and has picked
up The Feather Theme from Forrest Gump too.  This girl needs
more music!  We sure love her!

Our resident termites.  We found them when we tore the work bench
out of the garage. It appears they only got to the one stud, although the
whole house was treated.  They are dead now and we are putting the garage back together.  

I have talked several times about my great friend Sharla on here.  She's a great friend and I love her and her family to pieces!  Her daughter, Kenzi, was diagnosed with a rare form of Sarcoma a couple years ago.  My heart just ached for them, Kenzi was only 24 when she was diagnosed stage 4 because it had spread to her lungs.  After I was diagnosed last year, Kenzi became a great support to me, answering questions and helping me realize that I didn't have to let cancer dictate how I lived.  Kenzi passed 9 days ago.  I knew her time was getting close so I stopped by to see Sharla and her family.  Her husband, Mikayel, came and embraced me.  I said "how are you?" and immediately realized the stupidity in my question.  His wife lay in the next room, hooked up to oxygen, unconscious, living what turned out to be her last day on earth.  HOW SHOULD HE BE?!!  A better statement would have been, "I'm so sorry."  Or "We love you guys."  Or "We've been praying everyday for your peace."  In situations like this, it should be obvious how family members are.  But I asked the one thing that was obvious and felt so bad for saying it.

Kenzi got exactly the Life Celebration she wanted.  It was a potluck dinner held in a reception center. They had a lot of tables set up for guests to sit around and talk, with music playing in the background and a slide show of her amazing life on the big screen.  My friend Gidget designed and assembled beautiful floral centerpieces for the food tables and the guest tables.  And there was a lot of food, all brought by the guests in attendance.  It was quite informal, people (including her parents) in jeans and mingling.  

Friends, this is EXACTLY what I want to!  I want people to see me before I go, not after! If you care about me, come visit and tell me.  I don't want to be "viewed" (except my immediate family and a some close friends who won't talk about how my embalmed self looks).  I want a party, I love potlucks!  I want people to remember they were happy to know me!  I'd love those happy memories written down or recorded for my kids and Mat to have something special.  Then let's just do a graveside service instead of a long funeral with musical numbers.  There's nothing wrong with funerals with musical numbers.  But it's not how I personally want to go out.  I've made my wishes known to Mat and others.  This isn't a statement of my impending doom, just a statement of my greatest wishes in regards to what I want my exit to look like.

Scan Results

The house has progressed a lot this week, we got the rest of the flooring done on Thursday, which meant that we could get the appliances installed today, which means we can finish the kitchen (countertop) and start putting our lives back together.  My friend Dawnette has come and spent so much time helping me hang blinds, shop for the little things I needed to get, helped me brainstorm solutions to various problems, helped me rearrange furniture until it was just right and hang pictures.

I've had my head wrapped up in other things and hardly had a chance to worry about Wednesday's CT scan.  My appointment was late in the day, so I wasn't too concerned when I didn't get a call yesterday.  Late last night I got on my chart and saw results for the Echocardiogram (normal) and the chest part of the CT scan.  Everything looks good there!

What I didn't find was the report for the abdominal part of my CT scan.  That's the one I'm most concerned about right now.  That's how they track what's going on in my liver and surrounding organs.  That's where they watch what's going on in my bones.  This was the first full cycle since we took Perjeta off my treatment plan. I've been so nervous about making the call to cut it out because it was working, but not worth the itching misery.

When I got to Huntsman today I expected to get the hormone shots and pick up my study drug.  That turned into a 4 hour ordeal and a lot of sitting and waiting on various things.  There was confusion about the injections because I didn't show up and get them last month.  I'm pretty good at showing up when they tell me to, but for some reason it wasn't on my radar.  They told me Dr. Prystas was coming in (on her day off) just to see me.  So then my mind imagines the worst, that she didn't post the other report because it was bad and she wanted to talk to me in person.

As it turned out, she just forgot to post the CT report to my chart.  And the scan results were good!  I think she probably came in to work out with the study coordinator what to do with me because things were thrown off by me last month.  UNCHANGED is the word I love to see! It's still there but it hasn't changed.  😊

1. Small hypoattenuating lesions in the liver are unchanged compared to 8/1/2018. On prior studies these were larger and compatible with metastases.
2. Unchanged patchy sclerosis within the left iliac bone, concerning for metastasis.

Blessings of all kinds

I learned just after I was diagnosed that I, as a stage 4 cancer patient, would qualify for Social Security Disability.  I never got around to applying because I didn't want to deal with the hassle of a government agency OR the waiting game.  But as the season wrapped up this year, I thought I'd better look into it to get a little dough coming in from my side of the equation.

Three weeks ago, I finally got on and set up an account.  I found that the application, while redundant (asking the same questions again and again), was easy to fill out and submit.  THE NEXT MORNING, I got a call from someone at Social Security.  He asked me a lot of questions.  At one point I thought to myself, "Man, I hope this guy is who he says he is because he could steal my identity in one second with everything I've told him!"  He clarified dates, diagnosis, when the disability began, etc.  I asked if he wanted my medical records.  He said he didn't need them (what?!?) and he would get everything submitted right away.  And he was really sorry about my diagnosis and wished me the best.  I honestly didn't expect anything to happen for months.  Government Bureaucracy and all.  But this week, we had a deposit in our checking account for 12 months of disability back paid to when I was diagnosed.  We were shocked!  How is it possible that the government can be so efficient that they get me approved and paid within 3 weeks of my applying?  Nothing short of a miracle and God's Tender Mercies.

I haven't worked full time since Maddie was born, but have done enough with my business and my part time gigs that I had the credits I needed to qualify.  I won't get a lot each month, but enough to help the budget some and take some pressure off.  What a blessing!

We've seen many blessings since we got our house.  So many people have been here helping us accomplish what needs to be done.  Mat said he was looking around at church last Sunday and counted 34 people who have been at our house helping with everything from removing carpet, the old kitchen, framing, sheetrock, wallpaper removal, mudding and sanding (it felt like we did that at least a hundred times), installing cabinets, helping with electrical, etc. etc.  Our neighbor told us not to worry about moving in before the kitchen was done because we could eat dinner at her house every night until we are done.  Another friend has been here every day this week helping me with my list of things to do and shopping for things we need.

And for those of you that have struggled with the paper backing from 47 year old linoleum glued to subfloor, we threw in the towel today.  After trying every adhesive remover on the market, sander, steamer, and heat gun remedy we found on Youtube, it's still there, and there it will stay.  Tearing out and replacing the subfloor was NOT an option with everything else going on.

I worked my tail off last week moving as much "small" stuff as I could.  Seven months ago I registered for a breast cancer retreat in Park City, long before I knew about moving!  The retreat was organized specifically for my stage 4 support group at Huntsman.  So I already knew most of them, and by the end was friends with all of them!  The foundation is called Image Reborn, they provide 3 day retreats to breast cancer survivors for free, all through the year.

I felt so guilty last weekend not helping when everyone was here moving our stuff - and I was at the retreat.  But I'm telling you, I needed to be there.  Mat asked me if I could get a ride because he knew he would need both cars getting things moved over.  I arranged a ride with my friend, Tina, who is in the group as well.  I didn't know until we were on the way up there that she needed to leave a little early on Sunday morning to get back for her Primary program.  She was happy to bring me home again, but I hoped to stay until the very end.  The last activity of the retreat was a Shoshone blessing.  I really wanted to see/experience that so arranged for a ride home with another friend.

My friend, Mieke, is married to a Shoshone Shaman.  He is considered a "medicine man" or a healer.  He explained that the "Great Spirit" is their name for God, just as some refer the the "Universe" or "Allah" as God.  To us he is Heavenly Father.  Sage (sage brush) is a very important herb for many native American tribes, including the Shoshone. Sage sticks are burned to produce smoke that cleanses and heals.  The process is called Smudging.

I took this off a website www.warpathstopeacepipes.com.

Smudging is a traditional Native American Indian method of burning herbs to produce a smoke cloud which is used in various cleansing or prayer ceremonies and purification or healing rituals. Cleansing rituals involving smudging often initiates healing sessions.  The smoke was believed to disperse impurities allowing the healing process to commence. As the smoke rose it was believed that prayers would also rise to the Spirit World and negative thoughts and emotions were lifted away.  The Shaman fans the smoke over the person using his hand or a feather to disperse the smoke toward the Great Spirit and the heavens.

I loved experiencing this new culture!  He explained what the blessing means and how the sage plays into the ceremony.  Then he told us that when he does a group like this, he meditates to see if he can discern the needs in the group.  He said as he was coming up the canyon and meditating, all he could see was gray, fog, he couldn't see through it.  He knew that there was one in the group that was in real need.  I could have, at that moment, raised my hand and announced that it was me.  But I didn't want to take away from the Spirit or the needs of the other members of the group.  Because maybe, I thought, I wasn't the only one with big struggles right now.  So I said nothing.  He came to give a blessing to each of us individually, as he went around the room he spoke Shoshone and dispersed the sage smoke over us.

He started on the other side of the circle, blessing each person in Shoshone, burning the sage and waving the smoke toward the sky.  I was the last one in the circle.  When he came to me, he immediately sensed it was me and acknowledged that.  He was emotional as he felt the weight of my/our burdens.  My blessing was a little longer than the others as he burned the sage and waved it toward heaven.  We talked after about what was going on in our house and he offered to come and cleanse the house and do a salt ceremony.  I'm going to take him up on that after things are put back together.  I think it's similar to when a priesthood holder dedicates a house after you move or have a need.  We'll do that too!  I was grateful for his concern and the time he took to talk to me after the ceremony.

We are having a real struggle with Isaac.  There's quite a bit of negative energy being heaped on us right now.  We're working through it the best we can.  PLEASE keep us all in your prayers as this challenge affects the whole family.

House Progress and other stuff

This is a drastic improvement from how it was before!
So much wallpaper from the 70's and 80's was removed,
it was so dingy and dark.  It looks so much better!

I haven't written in a while.  We've been so busy trying to get the house ready.  The walls took forever.  There was wallpaper on every surface upstairs, except in the bedrooms.  It took so long to get if off, repair walls, mud, sand, mud, sand, and then do it some more.  A couple of times we had a small army over to help with painting.  We could not have done it by ourselves!  But they're done now and we are finally moving on to flooring and kitchen.  Never mind that we committed to be moved out of the condo by the 15th.  And no one has started packing yet.  I've had a long list of things written down that we/I need to get done.  Tonight I threw it away and wrote only the things that I need to do.  I feel a little better about the project now.  The other night I was talking to my friend, Kelly.  She assured me that we can move in with an undone kitchen, because we can eat at her house every night until we have one.  My friends are so cool!

This week we're hoping for flooring, kitchen install (by us and a few friends), new toilets, plumbing fixtures, etc. etc. There's still a lot to do . . .  we'll get there.

I found this picture on wendyvonsosen.com tonight.  This says it all.  We're dealing with some serious challenges with one of our kids.

These are challenges we didn't see coming, but it makes total sense now-hindsight is 20/20.  I don't feel comfortable sharing gritty details.  Maybe when things smooth out a little bit.  Suffice it to say that this situation is way harder than cancer.  If you can just remember this one thing every day, in every interaction: Everyone you come across in your life is fighting a hard battle.  Be gentle, don't judge, and LOVE WITHOUT RESERVATION.  Love, love, love.  That is the key.

My friend texted me about a seminar that was going on at Bountiful High this week.  Mat and I went, we came away with so much valuable information!  It was put on by the man than runs www.listenlearnandlove.org.  Tom Christofferson was there, as well as parents of a teen boy from Bountiful that committed suicide 6 years ago.  Friends, we've got to do better in Utah.  We've got to do the things I listed in the last paragraph.  Be gentle, don't judge, and love.  You have no idea what someone has gone through in their lives to get to where they are today, not unless you talk to them and love them without preconceptions and judgement.  I didn't have to think about this until about a year ago.  I never considered how hard life is for someone who is a square peg, trying to fit in a round hole.

I had two positive interactions last week with transgender women.  So random!  One was when I responded to an ad for a bathroom vanity.  The other was when I met Catherine at the seminar on Thursday.  I talked to her for a good, long time asking her questions about her life and how she got where she is today.  She is active in her Bountiful ward, they love her and accept her for who she is.  I was so happy to hear that!  I don't think that's the experience most LGBT have here.  We don't have to agree with the lifestyle, but we do have to LOVE!  More later, it's late!

p.s.  I didn't say any of this because I'm perfect at it.  I've got SO much work to do.  I'm no different than anyone else!  Just want to make that clear!

I hate sleepless nights!

It's 5 a.m. Sunday morning and I'm still awake, not sure why sleep didn't come for me tonight.  I just got up and cleaned out my closet and drawers of clothes I don't need.  I left Mat a note and told him to come get me during Sunday School so I could get to church for the third hour.  He tried, but I have no recollection of it.  I hate having my sleep schedule so whacked out.

We've had a super week, made lots of progress toward finishing up the sheetrock and mudding so we can paint.  There was so much mudding to do to try do cover up the damage done by removing wall paper.  So.  Much. Wallpaper!  I'm hoping that by the end of the week we have most of the electrical taken care of and we are priming and painting.  After that, the dominoes will fall pretty quickly.

A random Aspen in the Teton Valley, Idaho

I've been amazed at the help we've received from so many people!  Our friends just show up and ask what they can do to help.  Yesterday our bishop stopped by to see what we had for the dump because he was going anyway.  Another couple showed up and said they had 45 minutes and asked what they could do.  Mat put them on sanding the mud.  I removed many of the doors and took them downstairs to get them out of the way and get them ready to be painted.  These kind gestures make all the difference in a project like this.  There are so many moving parts, and they all seem to get the attention they need.  I'm grateful for people who have the skills and ambition, and use it for good.  I'm also grateful for the food that has been brought for us!  I find that I have energy to do things for about 2 hours a day, then I'm wiped out and have to stop.  I'm still doing my treatments regularly, I'm still dealing with side effects.  Even though I look "normal" and I'm cheerful most of the time, I struggle.  

My heart has been hyper-focused on a situation we have with one of the kids.  I've spent so much of my parenting life worrying about this child.  I could see pretty early on that he would have challenges to face that would be difficult to understand, for him and us.  Despite all of that, we know LOVE is the only answer to get us through the hard times ahead.  We started going to counseling which I think will be the best way to help us work through our different opinions and ideas.  I'm praying we come out stronger on the other end.

Life Lessons

I did the stupidest thing when I was 15.  My parents had an old car sitting in our driveway, and old brown Ford sedan that had been my grandparents.  It was unregistered, uninsured and I wasn't licensed.  But the keys were in the dresser drawer.  So one day, I went on a joy ride through Ogden to impress a stupid boy.  As things tend to go, Stupid Boy's Mom called to tell my Mom what I had done.  As a result, I didn't get my drivers license until I was 17 ½.

When I was an older teenager/young adult, I earned the nickname "Destroying Angel."  I was a good kid but had a few too many incidents where there was damage to one of my parents cars.  I always tried to tell my Mom first because she would be "softer" than my Dad would be.  For my Dad, it was always about what happened to the car.  The car was more important than whether I was OK or not.

I made a conscious decision as a grown up to always make sure my kids knew they were more important than a thing.  On Friday, I got to make a quick decision about how to handle this very situation, I'm glad I had already had that learning experience to help me.

We've only had this car for 5 weeks, we paid cash for it.  I said to Mat a couple weeks after we bought it, "We did good with this one! This is a great car!"  Our last used car experience was horrible!!!  This Corolla was perfect for Mat's commute.

Maddie had plans to spend the weekend in St. George meeting her boyfriends family.  She dropped Mat off at work in Riverton and headed to Ephraim.  I would pick him up after school and head to our ward campout.  As she was driving Friday afternoon, she went through a stop sign she didn't realize was there and was T-boned.  The car was towed to a junk yard in Manti.

I was the first person she called.  The people in the other car called 911 (a Math professor from Snow College).  She said hysterically "Mom, I was just in an accident!"  Before I could get more information, she said she had to go because the police came.  So for a few agonizing minutes, I had no information.  When she called back, I asked if she was OK, if everyone was OK.  I was relieved to hear everyone was, and could face what we needed to do next.  She was shaken and emotional.  Other than a small area on her arm, airbag burn, and a sore back, she's just fine.

Events like this make you think about how fragile life can be.  It only takes a split second for things to change drastically.  Thankfully, most of us get through each day without drastic things happening.  It makes me grateful for the good relationship we have.  Each of my family members hear every single day that they are loved by me/us.  Every single person gets a hug every single day.  And while we have imperfect relationships we're working on in our family, I'm grateful we're working towards making things better.  No regrets, people.


I have to share this too because I was so stunned when she came!  My friend Sharla called Friday to tell me she had something for me.  I assumed it was a bucket of paint!  When she got our of the car, she handed me a belated birthday cake.  She's so creative and artistic.  Check this out!  Edible succulent chocolate cake planters.  Oh.  My.  Heck!  Sharla, you totally made my day!  Thank you for thinking of me!

Faith vs. Fear

It's been such a weird week!  I've had a lot of anxiety because this is my anniversary week.  One year ago, I went to my oncologist to have her feel the lumps in my neck.  One year ago, I had the CT scan that got all this trauma started.  I've struggled with ticking my first year off, I'm hoping we've made the most of it.  I think we made the most of it?  There have been so many struggles, so much emotion, so many tears.  But there have been so many great things, so many blessings, so many miles traveled and memories made.  We've been deliberate in our travels and activities because of the cancer.

I've had so many questions.  "Why this?  Why now?  Why us?  What will happen to Mat and the kids?  How could it possibly my life's mission to die before they're grown?  Can I be a positive influence from the other side? and WHY does it have to be that way!  I want to be HERE with them!  How could I possibly leave Mat behind?!  Why does this have to be so hard?  It's so unfair."  This and so much more has been swirling through my mind.

Part of my struggle is that the chemo is catching up with me.  My life has been relatively easy since March-ish because the chemo changed and it was easier to manage.  But that "easy" chemo is taking a toll.  On Tuesday, I woke up with a shooting pain up my neck, like a pinched nerve or something.  I figured I slept funny and it would go away.  But it came about every 8-10 seconds for the next 24 hours.  I texted my massage therapist, Diane, she fit me in on Wednesday.  It was the most painful massage of my life - man she's strong!  While she worked out a lot of tense muscles, it didn't make the nerve pain go away.  So I went for another massage on Thursday.  She got deeper and made more progress, but still - nerve pain.  I determined that if she couldn't work it out after two massages on consecutive days, it must be related to chemo.  I still have shooting nerve pain (Saturday night), and don't know what to do about it.  You may see my face flinch and my head tilt slightly.  That's it.

About three days ago, this rash broke out on my arm.  It's comes and goes on my other arm and the back of my neck.  Last night I noticed spots just like this on my hip and knee. "So wait a minute," I say to myself.  "This has the potential to cover my entire body?!"  I can't scratch it because the skin just comes off.  I've been in contact with my nurse this week because I also had a reaction to the hormone shots last Friday.  One side looked and felt infected, but has mostly cleared up now.  She came to check on me during chemo this morning.  I showed her the rash and told her it appears to be popping up in other areas.  I told her how hard it is to sleep at night, even with Ambien.  She said I looked like I was about 2 seconds from tears.  I was.  She gave me some suggestions to deal with the rash, a steroid cream and OTC allergy meds.  Then she came and put her hands on my knees and said, "You are so brave."  I think these people who put so much into taking care of people like me are stumped sometimes.  They don't know what to tell me about how to deal with side effects that make me crazy, sometimes all they can do is show that they care and they've got your back.

Wednesday night I had a complete meltdown.  I cried and cried.  I felt so sorry for myself!  I needed to talk to someone who could help me work through all the scary thoughts I was having.  I needed someone who would listen and understand, and help me change my perspective while being patient with my irrationality.  I texted Cari because she's told me I could any time I needed anything.  I felt so guilty because she's so busy, but she responded and we talked for a good long time.

She helped me see that my entire focus this week has been FEAR-based.  My thoughts and torment stem from a need to control or dictate the outcome, that I know what's best, etc.

She reminded me that God has a plan for me.  He won't take me one day sooner than I'm meant to go.  He loves me so much, He knows me and has a perfect understanding of my mission and what I'm meant to accomplish on earth.  She reminded me of the good that has come from all of this.  The service that has been given to us in a million ways, the sub-for-Santa's, the Florida trip, the Sedona trip, our giant road trip--and most recently, getting into our house.

Friends, I started praying specifically for a house about 6 months ago.  I told HF that I felt I could live longer if I had a place to work outside (my therapy), that our family would be more comfortable with a little more space, that we needed to create a space where happy memories could be made, where the kids would want to bring their friends to hang out.  It's no coincidence that the entire process only took 3 weeks to happen.  It's no coincidence that this particular house went under contract while we were gone in July, but fell out of contract after we got back.  It's no coincidence that we had already lined up a buyer for our condo.  It's no coincidence that our offer was accepted before competing offers came in.  That the entire process only took 3 weeks, from the offer being accepted to picking up the keys??  Nothing short of a miracle that was gift wrapped by God, just for us.

So, just as quickly as I had worked myself into a hot mess, Cari helped me see the FAITH side of things.  I'll no doubt need more pep talks as time goes on, but I'm grateful for help in working through this crisis and seeing things more clearly.  We really have been blessed so much because of all of this.

House and Yard Renovations

I got my two once-a-month-peanut-butter-textured hormone shots in my bum cheeks yesterday.  It's always a painful experience, I never look forward to it.  The spots are so painful today, feels like I got shot with a giant paint ball gun.  Twice.  😕

My boss at J and J Nursery is amazing.  He checks up on me regularly to make sure I'm OK.  I don't have a set schedule.  I have complete flexibility about when I show up and when I leave.  I've been working as much as I can.  I did that voluntarily because our mortgage payment on our new house will be higher than we've ever paid for a mortgage.  I just want to help our budget more.  Mat does so much for us!  I feel bad because he works so many hours each week, way more than 40.  Yet meeting our month to month expenses can be difficult.  We've never NOT been able to pay everything we needed to - we've seen many miracles in our married life.  Things that seemed impossible to cover have always been covered.  For that, I'm very grateful.  I predict things will continue to work out for us.

I hit a breaking point when I realized my fever and chills tonight might be tied to heat exhaustion.  It's nearly impossible to stay hydrated in this heat, running around helping customers find what they want, or helping them figure out what they want.  I push myself too hard, don't take the breaks I need, and leave there physically drained and dehydrated.

I don't have an appetite for food, in general.  Even going out to eat is a trial!  I can't think of anything that sounds good.  Thai food always sounds good, but we don't have anything close (that tastes good to me).  I'm so exhausted when I get home that I have little energy to think about preparing anything.  I use shortcuts like buying Costco's big package of already removed from bones rotisserie chicken.  I can't stand to do that on my own.  All that chicken skin, tendons, fat, etc. is so disgusting to me.

Looks bigger with those awful cabinets gone!

Yesterday at 4:00 I got the key to the house.  It shouldn't surprise anyone that the first thing I did was pull our Honda Pilot onto the lawn, wrapped a big chain around the shrubs in the front yard, and yanked them out.  There are about 14 more that need to go - Monday's project will require removing chain link fencing to get the Pilot into the back yard.  😜  I already have most of the plants for the front of the house, and two great trees for the front (more to come!).  I was running on pure adrenaline!  It felt so good to do my normal thing.  I worked until I couldn't see anymore and was so pleased with what we accomplished!  My friends Sharla and Kevin came to help us for a while.  I couldn't have accomplished so much without them!  Meanwhile, Mat and Jared K. tore out the kitchen down to the sheetrock.


Sharla and Kevin came again today.  They removed so much wallpaper with a steamer, they worked for hours on it!  The duck border is disappearing.  I felt grateful for their help and friendship.  Sharla took a cute picture of McKinley carrying an armful of wallpaper to the trailer.  The kids have been a great help in all of this!  Jeff, a GREAT neighbor of ours, drove by and saw all the activity.  He stopped to see what he could do to help.  By the end of the day today, he and Mat had removed all of the sheetrock from the back wall.  So the studs are exposed and ready to be moved!  We're pushing the back of the kitchen out three feet into the living room, because knocking out an exterior wall and/or moving the stairway to the basement aren't options.  We have so many great people on our team.  I'm very grateful!

Chemo Fatigue

My most recent chemo was last Friday.  I went by myself because Mat was back at school and I never got organized enough to ask someone to come with me.  Sometimes I like going by myself because they give me Benadryl through the IV to help with the reaction I have to Perjeta.  I get loopy and tired real fast!  I feel bad zonking out on whoever is with me!  Before my chemo three weeks ago, Dr. Prystas suggested we cut out the Perjeta but I hesitated because what we're doing is working!  Everything is stable!  I didn't feel comfortable cutting one out, despite the constant itching.

Late last night I sent her a message telling her I couldn't handle the itching anymore.  I'm going crazy!  I've always tried to look at the itching as "better" than chronic pain, so I just tried to suck it up.  But I'm telling you, I can't do it anymore.  I talked to her today, she said we can expect similar results cutting out Perjeta and staying on just Herceptin.  Here's to hoping that's true!

I kind of sighed on Friday when they escorted me to my recliner ... again.  It gets old, ya know?  Knowing that chemo will, literally, never end for me.  I'm approaching the one year anniversary of my stage 4 diagnosis and that's a little unnerving too.  There's so much emotion tied to that day.   Being thrust into the flurry of diagnostic tests, the biopsy, scans, and waiting endlessly for results and a game plan.   My life will never be like it was before.  Even though it's almost been a year, I find myself having to "deal" with that sometimes.

First Day of 4th grade!

Little bit of Vent

I feel like such a klutz lately.  I drop things, I feel light-headed and dizzy, I miss steps and fall.  Tonight it was down our front steps outside.  I was holding my phone because Brooklyn needed to go babysit, so I was tracking her down.  I fell into the rocks on one side, my phone shattered on the rocks on the other side.  Bad Apple in Bountiful was still open, so it's repaired now.  This not functioning well is really bothering me.

I just pulled up side effects for all the drugs (over the counter or otherwise) I take.  All but one has possible side effects of dizziness, light headedness, drowsiness, feeling tired, vision problems . . . .  It's no wonder I can't function.

I'm trying several drugs to alleviate the itching all over my body.  The itching is an allergic reaction to Perjeta, one of my infusion drugs.  I look like a crazed person when I'm scratching my skin constantly, and I think I need to take something to help it, but at what cost??  I think I'm going to evaluate carefully what I'm taking and cut back as much as possible.  Itchiness be damned.

New house, new beginning!

It's really late at night, and I should NOT be on the computer writing about this, but I just can't get over how all of this happened.

I've wanted to get back into a house for a while now, especially since being diagnosed again and my focus changed from "let's simplify" to "let's find a place where Mom can do her therapy!"  When we moved into our condo just over two years ago, our/my priorities were totally different.  But since I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, my priorities changed.  I've been a gardener and a landscaper for the last 15 years.  And I'm good!  I can create beauty with perennials and grasses, trees and shrubs like few others I know.  I work at J&J Nursery in Layton as well, and some days were just depressing because I saw all this great stuff come in that I couldn't try out.

Months ago, I started talking to Mat about getting into a house again.  He felt content just staying where we are and letting someone else mow the lawn.  I promised him that I wouldn't let him mow the lawn if we moved to a house!  I get to mow the lawn!

I've had this inner struggle about selling the house in this neighborhood that we loved so much.  I've felt guilt over lost equity (it's not just a little bit--I am not being a drama queen!)  I've felt guilt over moving to Riverton and taking the kids out of the schools and environments they knew.  I've felt guilt over moving back to Bountiful ... and taking the kids out of the schools and environment that they knew.  I've mourned over these things for so many years, since 2013 when it all began by selling the house we loved.

I've justified in my prayers why HF should allow us to find another house, so I can do my therapy outside.  I prayed that this house could be on "this" street because of everything we'd sacrificed in losing (er, I mean selling) the house we loved.  I told Him I felt I might live longer if I had a garden to do my therapy in.  I pictured the house, a rambler on an average sized lot right on the street I wanted to live on.

Well, God answers prayers in mysterious ways.  In His own time and in His own way.  When we were still on vacation, a house came on the market in our neighborhood.  An offer came in right away, but as luck would have it, they ended up canceling the contract.

It's a rambler but on a corner lot.  I don't want a corner lot!  There's no privacy in the yard! (True)  And it's not on the street I wanted to live on.  But since my rockstar friend Cari was the listing agent, I went to see it.  I wasn't super impressed because the house needs a lot of work and the kitchen is TINY.  So I brushed it off and decided to keep looking.

On my birthday (8th) we were sitting in Cheesecake Factory.  I texted Cari to see if the house was still available because Mat wanted to walk through it.  Thursday morning (the 9th) we walked through the house again.  We talked about what we did like about it, which is pretty much everything else besides the corner lot, the tiny kitchen and (me) not being on the right street.  We felt pressured to hurry up and make a decision because in this housing market, there's no time to think about things.  You gotta jump high and fast.  Cari told us to go home and pray about it, and call her back, preferably within the hour.  😊

So we did.  We felt good about going for it!  Then the work really began because Cari had to move heaven and earth to get this deal to go through; for our buyer, for us, and for her seller.  She had to write up contracts on three fronts, help coordinate funding for our buyer, stay in communication with our seller who is living out of cell phone range in Wyoming, etc. etc.  At 11:00 p.m. Thursday night, she called to tell me he had accepted our offer and wasn't interested in looking at other offers that trickled in after that.  He'd heard our story and just wanted to get it done.  I was speechless, stunned!  I couldn't believe what she was telling me!  I'm telling you, for us to be able to get a house that wasn't in a multiple offer situation, is a miracle in and of itself.  We can't compete with the little guys, let alone the big guys!



God heard and answered our prayers.  Thursday morning we're casual lookers, Thursday night our offer is signed, with a three week close no less!  We should have this wrapped up by the end of August.  Unbelievable!  When we have the faith to take the first step into the darkness, God comes and snatches you up and answers your prayers in ways you never thought imaginable.  I couldn't have come up with a better ending than this, but God who knows all things for our good, opened this opportunity up for us. And with the help of a determined, hard-working realtor, everything has fallen into place just as it needed to.  For that, I'm very grateful.

#cancersucks

I had grand plans for today.  I had so much I wanted to accomplish!  But the best made plans ...

I've known that my friend Bonnie was prepping to leave on their own grand adventure.  They sold their house and got rid of (in one way or another) just about everything they own.  They bought a motorhome and will travel the country for the foreseeable future, from Alaska to Alabama!  I'm jealous!

I thought they might be gone by now, but when I saw on FB they hadn't left yet, I jumped at my chance to go talk to her one more time!  I met Bonnie many years ago at Wasatch Peak, our kids charter school.  We've been friends for at least 10 years, she's a dear friend.  We sat on her brothers front porch and talked for a while.  During our conversation, I got a phone call from what I knew was a number from Huntsman.  It was my oncologist.

I don't often hear from my oncologist, I usually talk to her nurse about scan results or questions.  So when it was her, I kind of panicked!  The news was good though, everything is stable or a tiny bit smaller.  So, the combination of chemo we're doing right now is doing it's job!  The infusion, the study drug, the hormone shots - all worth it.

After I hung up, I had to take a minute to get back to breathing.  I realized I was having a little "panic attack like" episode from talking to Dr. Prystas.  I was going to say "this cancer thing doesn't seem to affect me too much" until I remembered the constant itching on my arms, back, and neck.  And the hives I get from touching my skin.  It affects me, I'll definitely be brainstorming that when I have my appointment with her tomorrow!  Because it's "nerve" itching, I can scratch and scratch, but I've found that only aggravates it.  That just irritates the nerves, so I have to try not to scratch it.  "Try" being the operative word there.

The only thing I've found that helps with the itching is Gabapentin, the side effects of which are dizziness and blurry vision.  I take two at night (so I sleep through that) one at breakfast, and one at a time later in the day if needed.  The maximum dose is 3600 mg a day, I only take about 1200.  I can't imagine how anyone can function taking that much!  I'm grateful I have options.

I found out late last night that another dear friend, Ginger, just had brain surgery to remove a large tumor that was growing there.  Breast cancer will grow, remarkably, almost anywhere.  She's overcome so much in her life, she's been a powerful example and light to thousands of people through her Soul Survivor Conference (I went last fall).  Her positivity and powerful spirit will get her through whatever comes of this.  I love her so much.